Jesse

11: Joann of Arc

11: Joann of Arc

            The following morning was basically a rerun of yesterday, besides the different, little and far between conversations Ian and I had while he drove to the school. He had made the team! And first string too! Lucky him.    

            Him and Jena were officially dating now. Joy. I couldn't have been happier for him. I gave him a fake smile, but continued to let my eyes drift out of the passenger side window. Before we had approached the student parking lot, he told me he wouldn't be able to take me home again. And said I understood, that he didn't have to worry about it anymore. The bus was always there.

            He had football practice.

            We had a mutual understanding. We didn't have to say anything else.

            Ian parked his truck, and we got out. We began walking with a crowd toward the school, when there was a happy shout from behind.

            "Ian!"

            I knew that voice. My lip curled. I briefly glanced behind, and saw sure enough it was Jena with her tag-a-long girlfriend. Ian had slowed down, and I was still a few feet ahead. Now, she was all arms around him, and when they kissed, I turned around, and just walked away. I didn't care anymore.

            I felt Ian's stare on the back of my neck. I wished I knew what he was thinking then. That time, I didn't look back.

…

            Rejection. You were a liar if you said it didn't hurt. No matter who you were. No matter how tough you think you are. It still hurts.

            I wished more than anything, Ian would have told me to stay away from him, and be friends no more. But he never said that. He never did. There were still those glances that both hours and seconds at a time, but they were rare now. It was Wednesday now.

            Even if Ian didn't say it, even if he didn't mean it the way it came across, it was still there. He didn't want me around his friends. His buddies. When they appeared, and swarmed him. I faded. I became nothing again. Like a used-rain jacket. Who needed a rain jacket when there was no rain?

            Everything had seemed so sure. No, nothing was sure.

What kept me up every night, what made me an insomniac was the wondering what had changed in him. Did he finally see me as everyone else did? The Freak? Did he finally wake up? Or was I the one who had woke up?

            Dreams only last so long. Then they are gone. That morning you remember them vividly, sometimes. The next day, you can recall them, sometimes. But eventually, they begin to fade. A week’s time, it was gone forever.

            "Jesse? Hello? Anyone home?" a voice called, teasingly.

            I blinked, grimacing. It was Emily. I was sitting at our lunch table. Yes, it was our lunch table now. I no longer sat at the other one. As nice as she was, I wished Emily would leave me alone. But I couldn't bring myself to tell her that. "Oh, sorry," I said. Sometimes you just want to wallow in your self-pity alone. And complain about it to yourself about being alone. When somehow, crazily enough you want it that way to begin with. When you’re alone, no one can hurt you; but if you’re completely alone, no one can love you either.

            "You've been doing that a lot lately," she said with a strange sense of scrutiny.

            "Doing what?" I asked, oblivious. Intended.