Jesse

Memory: 7

   ………

            There is laughter. It breaks the darkness that jails me. Traps me up inside. Who's laughter is it? I haven't heard it in such a long time. I have forgotten it.

            I realize it's Dad's. Not' Harold's. But Dad's.

            I see it now. That time we went to Disney World. I am only five years old. But I'm not on the ground. Dad has lifted me onto his shoulders. I'm wearing one of those ridiculous Mickey Mouse hats. But I don’t care. I am a child. In the place of happiness. Where all dreams come true.

            Mom's there too.

            We are all walking the crowded way to see the castle, towering ahead in the Magic Kingdom. We are all smiling.

            We are having a good time. I see myself riding the rides with him. Soaring up in the air on the Dumbo the Flying Elephant. We're laughing together. This is a different man. He loves me. He would never hurt me. This is how I remember Dad. The way his eyes crinkle when he grins, it’s almost like Ian's.

            But suddenly one of the rides breaks down. While we are still on. Which is it? I can't remember. But I remember him telling me everything is going to be all right. They are fixing it now. Things will be alright. I'm scared. This is scary for a child.

            I’m afraid, but I know I’m safe though. Here with Dad.

            Then, like he said it would, the ride begins to move again. It's fixed. Abruptly, the memory blacks and we're on the beach together. I'm still really young, but older this time. What nine or ten? I'm making a sand castle, the biggest one all—It'll reach the sky this time! But I'm not alone. There's Mom…And there's also Dad. He goes to get water for the moat. He pours the water afterward. I watch it splash. See the sludgy mud and sand splurt upward. I feel the dampness of the wet sand and saltiness of the wind bite my face.

            He says the water won't last long. The sun will dry it up. So we do what we can, with what we have. The sun bakes. The sand irritates and the salt makes it sticky everywhere, and with crusted hand, and an hour later…We're finished. Dad says it looks fantastic. The best so far…We smile together. I love him.

            Sometime later…the ice cream man rolls by with his chilled cart. I want one of those push-up kinds. So we go, walk together…I see our footprints in the sand. Hear the seagulls call happily. Hungrily. He buys me the ice cream. Takes it, undoes the wrapper, and gives it to me. It's so good.

            That's how I remember Dad. The little things like that. That's how I always want to remember him. He's a good person…Not that I can see it now…But somewhere past the darkness, there is a light. There's the Dad I've always known…I just can't find him…He's there somewhere. He needs help…

            Before we leave the beach…We visit one last time. The sand castle is gone. I'm sad. Frowning. Dad says nothing, not even the most best sandcastle in the world, does…The water has washed it away. I ask him why couldn't it?

            What he says then I'll always remember, because it's true…Jesse if the sandcastle did stay forever, then where would be the joy in making another? The ocean will always wash it away, but you can always make another one no matter what…And it even may be better than the last. Who's to know?

            That makes me smile, and we walked away; and, as we did I start talking to him about how next year I would make an even better one.

            Then the memory fades, and the sunlight dims. I hear a voice now.

            It's not Mom. It's not Ian. Not even God.

            It's Dad.

            I love you Jesse…I'm so sorry. So, so sorry.

            It's okay…I love you too.

            But it's time to wake up now Jesse.

            But I don't want to wake up; I want to stay here with you. I don't want to go back. Please don't make me go back. I want to say here…Where it’s peaceful. Where I’m happy…Don't…Want to…