Jesse

35: From the ashes

Joann Brighton

35: From the ashes

            If I remembered anything from my childhood, it was watching old movies with my parents: sometimes they would let me stay up with them on weekends, if they were in a good mood. They said the old ones were the best, and now I have to say I agree, with all the crap that comes out of movie theatres nowadays. But anyways, one of my Mom's favorite actresses was Anne Baxter. I say all that to say this: she had a quote that went: "It's best to have failure happen early in life. It wakes up the Phoenix bird in you, so you rise from the ashes."

            And basically enough that was the quote of my life. Because my life had been and was one failure after another, beginning very early in my life. Being the girl, instead of the boy my Dad wanted first. Not ever doing anything right in their eyes, especially his eyes. I could never be good enough, or outshine perfect Joshua in any fucking way. I remember that day at the amusement park we went to. It was before my parents became who they were really around me now. So harsh. So cold. So unforgiving. Isn't family supposed to be the exact opposite?

            The sun had been so bright, and sweaty hot—that day, not a cloud in the sky. We were sitting on one of those benches—Josh and I—when I saw a drink stand, and felt my throat as dry as it was, and thought a cool, refreshing bottle of water would be good. And I had a little extra money in pocket then, from allowances. Not to mention that it looked that Mom and Daddy weren't coming back any time soon. We had been waiting on them, I forgot for what. And during any time like this, they both left me in charge of Josh, their wonderful prize. The child who could do wrong in their eyes. The child that did everything I was blamed for, most of the time. I was eleven then, and Josh eight.

            I told Josh to stay sitting where he was, and that I would be right back. Before I got up, I noticed a strange man standing a distance from us, leaning against the railing of a kiddie ride. He was wearing dark sunglasses and mix-match of clothing. He was staring directly at us. Or so I thought. Then he looked away, and I thought nothing of it. I couldn't tell you how many times, I wished, begged God, whoever was up there, to go back to that time—and stop myself for being so damn thirsty, for a fucking, damn water bottle—that meant nothing in the end. And my only real brother that did.

            I had had such poor, stupid sense of judgment. But I was a kid. As I walked to the stand, I couldn't help but glance occasionally back at Josh to make sure he was okay. And he was always just sitting there, okay. The image I'll always carry with me. Him, crossing his arms, kicking his legs—the long white shoe-strings of his dirty old tennis shoes flopping in the air. When I got to the stand, I turned my back, forked over the money, and got the water bottle. Just as I was about to head back, a bustling crowd of a billion people it seemed flooded through, blocking me. Eventually, I had to push my way through, and when I got through the other side, it was like I was trapped in a draining daze.

            I blinked rapidly. My mouth open, stunned. Josh was no longer sitting at the bench. He was nowhere in sight. What cuss words I knew then, all came right out, as I ran screaming his name over and over. Searching wildly for him. I had asked everyone, all of the families that had been standing by had they seen a small, brown-headed boy with blue eyes, wearing a red baseball cap and shirt. None of them said they had. Frantically, I also realized that odd-looking guy was also nowhere to be seen. Shit. Shit. Shit. I nearly vomited, I remember. I broke down crying at the bench. When Mom showed up, she was the first to ask what was wrong. And she was the first to get the terrifying answer: that still to this day sent chills and horror through my veins. Josh was missing…No, I knew more than anything that was a lie. Josh had been kidnapped…The amusement park police did what they could, but still no Josh.