Jesse

38: Absolution

Ian Greene

38: Absolution

         Drifting…Drifting in and out of consciousness…

         The first day passes by.

         Then the second.

         One endless day…One endless dark…One endless pain…

         Then the third day arrives. The day. The day I don't want to face. The day that has haunted for what feels like years. Dragging me down…Taking me under…Drowning me…with cold…unbearable hands…

         I can't breathe.

         I can't think.

         I'm alone.

         I can't see.

         I'm cold.

         I'm afraid.

         It hurts so much. I can't take it anymore.

         I'm alone…

         I can't eat. I'm losing weight. I don't care. I can barely sleep. When I do, out of over exhaustion I can only think about him, about Jesse. Without fail, my mind goes back to that exact moment, when the horrifying, crushing reality of it all hits me, hits straight in chest like speeding bullet, ripping through my body mercilessly.

         That night at the hospital, which seems now a lifetime ago. A nightmare that won't simply go away. That wakes me up in the middle of night screaming, soaking me through the bone with sweat, and tearing my teeth into my pillow.

         I'm alone.

         Jesse's dead. Jesse's gone. He's not coming back. I don't want to do this alone. I don't want to think about him. I want him to go away. But I can't help it. It all floods back, unstoppable…

         "Ian," I heard a soft voice break the darkness. Jesse, I thought? Was it him? No. It wasn't his voice; it sounded like it at first.

         "Ian," I heard my name called again: the voice changed. It was familiar. I knew who it was. "Get up, honey."

         "Mom?" I said as my eyes fluttered open. I was bleary-eyed. I was stiff. My neck hurt really badly; I squinted in the bright light as I saw her face hover over me, flustered, her eyes still the same. Watery. She had been crying. I realized where I was. I wasn't back home. Not with Jesse in my bed. Not like I wanted.

         I was still in this damn hospital. My eyes fell from her, and onto Jesse, who lay motionlessly—lifelessly—and I saw I was still holding onto his hand. His cold, unmoving hand. My hand begun to shake as my chest heaved. Slowly, tears streaking my face, I had to pry my hand free from Jesse's grip; I watched weakly as his hand limply lolled over as I let go.

         "Mom," I cried as I lifted my head up to her, my voice choking in my sobs. Her face crumpled, broke with the emotions spilling from within me, and she reached down; and, I felt her warm embrace around me, hug me, raise me up. My head was digging into the hollow of her shoulder as I moaned, shuddering, me gripping her tightly.

         "There, there," I heard her whisper, comfortably to me, but inside I was screaming. She shushed me, rocking me lovingly. "It'll—It'll be alright, you'll see…"