Jesse

41: Atonement

Author's note: This is the last chapter. The epilogue is only left.

41: Atonement

            "Ian," Joann panted, out of breath, from behind me, "you better have a good reason for bringing me up here…On Jesse's roof of all places…In the dark…God, knowing me I would have fallen and killed myself, if you hadn't helped me up…"

            I chuckled lightly as we sat down on the rough shingling, my eyes gazing up to the vast starry night sky above us. "Oh…I do, Joann," I said, assertively, beaming.

            "Stop calling me that, Ian," she said with a sigh. "Nobody calls me that. Since we're sort of friends now…Just call me Jo."

            I glanced at her, seeing her face shadowed by the bright moonlight, as she sat with her arms hugging around her knees. I was still grinning. "Okay, Jo." It felt somehow odd saying it like that. Maybe I would just have to get used to it.

            "Good," she said, returning the smile. "Now about that reason…?"

            I breathed in the cool, crisp night air, and lost my eyes within the sparkling stars, the swirling darkness stretching so high over us both. "It was Jesse's favorite place to be," I admitted softly. "He would come up here most nights, light a cigarette, and just sit here and smoke…He told me it was the closest to being home since…after well, his Mom died…Here he could be himself…And just be free for a little while, I guess."

            I could feel Joann's—Jo's—eyes as they lingered on me, and when I sought her eyes, she looked away. I had to blink back tears and even in the dimness, I could—and feel—she had to do the same. "Oh," she finally managed to say. "That would make sense then…" Her voice was now all choked up, as she wiped her eyes with a sleeve of her sweater.

            I swallowed, feeling the tears sting my eyes, as I tried to be strong. I wouldn't do this again. No more crying. "Yeah, that's why I wanted to bring you up here…To show you…" I wasn't really sure how to tell her what I wanted to, so I said something else: "Nice view isn't?"

            From the corner of my eye, I saw Jo shake her head in approval. "Yeah, it's so beautiful…The stars are so pretty from where we are…here."

            "Jesse always liked the view…It was his favorite spot…"

            We sat there a moment in an overtaking silence, as the memories of Jesse swept over me, breaking all of the dams I thought I had so durably put up. My breath shuddered, and I hugged my jacket-covered arms closer to my body. All my parents knew, was that I was with Jo, not that I was on the roof of our neighboring house…God…I missed him so much. I closed my eyes, my brow furrowing, and I felt the tears at last trickle down, across my face.

            "I—I miss him so much, Jo," I muttered, my voice gravelly.

            "Me too," she answered, hers just as emotional. Just then, I felt her hand extend, and caringly cover mine: the sudden warm sensation of skin. She gave me a light squeeze, and I looked into her eyes, glinting with tears.

            "Not a day has gone by that I haven't missed him: haven't thought about him," I told Jo hopelessly in tears by now. "But I'm afraid…When so many years face…I'll start to forget…What he looked like…All the little things: like his laugh…Like who he was…And the way he looked at me: his smile. Those are the things I don't ever want to forget…But I'm afraid, Jo one day I will…They'll start to fade…And I don't want Jesse to fade…I want to remember the good times we had…I don't want them to go away…"