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I lose control over my grip, the ball slamming against the table and reflecting back, almost hitting Jude in the process and crashing onto a near wall.
He glares at me. "So I'm assuming that's a yes?"
"No!" I blurt out. The paddle clatters on the table as I drop it. "I don't know."
I silently make my way to the couch. Not a second later, Jude drops next to me. Inches from me. Is it possible to be happy being close to someone and not glad at the same time? My nerves can't take a freakin' break.
"You fucking confuse me," he growls.
"I'm sorry, okay!" I snap at him. "I fucking confuse myself too!" We're caught in a dead stare, but I'm tired. I slump back. "I don't want to like him."
"Then don't."
"It's not as easy as it sounds."
He analyses me a for while, then puts an arm around the back of the couch, fully facing towards me. I suck in a deep breath, more tense than ever before. "Tell me."
I search his eyes. For trust.
So I tell him.
About how I've felt when I'm with Trey. This sense of familiarity that I don't want to let go of. The way I just want to be in his attention. How I want to be close, but how different it feels when he's with Justine. How I don't hate Justine at all, not one bit, and how that confuses me.
How when they're together, hopelessness seeps into my body, like I'm suddenly detached. Leaving me aching for Trey.
The whole time I'm talking, Jude has a permanent frown on his face. But it doesn't stop me. He's a good listener. I keep wanting to pause, afraid anger is going to come out of that expression, but he waves me on. I feel like a huge weight is lifted off of my shoulders, and that only Jude could make it all go away.
He's quiet for a long time though. And that's a scary thing to see — he's usually the first to say something, and it's loud, unfiltered and brutally honest. But he stares off into the distance.
I bite my lip.
"Jude?" My voice is vulnerable.
"Has it always been there?" he starts, his voice eerily calm. "Your feelings?"
"I'm not sure," I respond just as quietly. "I only realised that I might have feelings for him when Justine started getting close to him."
