The Flower of King and Knights

The Finer Points of Kingship

Sir Kay and Ector were astride their steeds, facing Sir Blamor and Bors on the other side an open field. Sir Kay and Ector were going over the finer points of the sport of jousting.

“All right then, if you’re going to be a king, then you’re going to need to learn how to joust, it’s kinda like the boxing of this time period.”

“Okay, sounds reasonable.”

“So then, let’s go over a few points before we have you do your first practice match, okay?”

“Right.”

“First, makes sure you keep your shield up, that takes most of the force from your opponent, and it keeps the other spear from entering your body.”

“Okay, that sounds good.”

“Second, when you aim the spear, you have to constantly be making adjustments. When this horse is at a full gallop, you have to be using all your muscles to aim that thing properly.”

“Makes sense.”

“Third, when you get this horse at a full gallop, let go of the reins and then aim for the opponent’s body.”

“Ri…what?”

“Let go of the reins and aim the…”

“No, no, no. The spear thing I got, I’m talking about the dropping of the reins.”

“Yeah, you have to drop the reins.”

“Why?”

“Because if you hold the reins, you’ll be sloshing at the horses’ mouth left and right, that’ll give the creature mixed messages and you’ll go off course. Or even fall off.”

“But this thing is going at a full gallop.”

“Yeah.”

“That’s really fast.”

“Yes it is.”

“And you don’t want me having some control of a creature, going at a full run, as I’m about to hit another guy, with a big fucking stick.”

“Yes, that’s the general idea.”

“Fuck this,” Ector then dropped the spear and unsheathed Caliburn “I’m using the sword.”

“No, you can’t do that.”

“Why not! It’s better than what you guys are doing.”

“Ector, you can’t just change the rules of the game. This isn’t football for God’s sake.”

“Yes I can, I’m the flipping king of England, I can do whatever I want.”

“Well for this one, you can’t.”

“Ah come on.”

“No, you have to live with this. And grab that spear, you can’t just go jousting with a sword”

“But this is like driving a car at full speed, aiming for other car, and not using the wheel to steer,” Ector said as he grabbed the spear.

“Well the horse isn’t going at a hundred miles an hour. It’s just going thirty.”

“Is that enough to kill me?”

“Depends.”

“Then it’s too fast.”

“Ector, please you shouldn’t be so obtuse about the whole situation.”

“Obtuse, obtuse? This isn’t me being obtuse, this is me not wanting to die in a horrible accident caused by letting of the God damn reins, of a God damn speeding horse, while at the same time, trying to knock a God damn man off of his God damn horse.”

“…You really need to watch the language, it’ll get you in trouble.”

“This sucks, so much right now.”

“Yeah, but you’ll at least get one practice run in today,” said Sir Kay as he smacked the rear end of the horse. Ector screaming as he charged towards Sir Blamore.

“So why exactly are we at this feast again Merlin?” asked Ector with a forboding look on his face.

“Because we need to make some allies if you are to have any real progress in becoming king.”

“But you know I hate parties.”

“Yes, but this is the way of things. Consider it like golfing, only for the Dark Ages.”

“I thought that was falconing, or jousting?”

“Of course not! Falconing is for lovers, and you can’t really discuss business when in the middle of a jousting contest. You should’ve learned that in your first lesson.”

“I learned that you guys have weird rules about that sport. And that it hurts like hell.”

“Oh don’t be so sensitive. Besides, you still knocked Blamore off his horse.”

“Yeah, after six attempts, and the first five I was the one on my ass.”

Merlin rubbed his head, “My boy, you are going to have a rough time here if you keep that attitude.”

“I’m a product of my times,” Ector said with a grin and a shrug.

“That you are, my lad, that you are.”

Ector noticed a woman walking by them, the two men nodded their heads politely, the young woman eyeing Ector as she walked away. “I think she likes me,” said Ector.

“She’s also married to a jealous lord,… my lord.”

“Oh, then I’ll be sure to keep that platonic.”

“For the best my king.”

Ector pointed to another woman, “What about her, is she married.”

“No, but she has a paramour.”

“Wait, a paramour?”

“Yes.”

“Like the punk band.”

“No you blithering idiot. That’s a term for a lover.”

“Oh…is that where…”

“If you mention the band again tonight, I will hurt you. Badly.”

“Right. So what that woman over there.”

“Married, and with a paramour.”

“Ah, faithful.”

“Not really, she has four other lords in her bed tonight.”

“Wow, energetic is she? What about that lady over there?”

Merlin turned to Ector, who looked innocently to the mage. “What?”

“Ector, please don’t use me like a Facebook account?”

“Hey, I’m just using the tools I have here, don’t judge me.”

“I’m not, I’m regetting taking you here.”

“Does that mean we can go home?”

“No, now eat your brain and kidney pie before the dog does.”

Ector looked at the food on his plate, and then to the dog who was looking at him the hopes of getting something to eat. He lifted the plate and placed in front of the dog. “Here ya go fido, you’ll enjoy better than me.”