Player of the Game

Nothing Really Matters (Mr. Probz)

Jhoana.

I was on my 27th or so lap. I lost count. The strain on my legs had begun to be noticeable.

I'm getting tired.

Huminga ako nang malalim. Pagod na ako pero ayoko pa tumigil. I don't want to stop and be alone with my thoughts. No. Not Again.

Umahon ako at nagpasyang mamahinga muna sa isa sa mga reclined chairs. Ako lang ang nasa pool area. Dinner time na rin kasi, malamang lahat ng tao ay nasa restaurant sa mga oras na 'to.

Inayos ko ang pagkakatali ng buhok ko. Damn it. Bakit ba naiwan ko pa kasi 'yung swim cap ko eh.

I grabbed my towel and wiped myself. The warm breeze of the summer started to touch my skin as I settle down slowly on one of the seats. Nonetheless, I still feel cold.

"I think you might be needing this." Someone draped a bathrobe over my shoulders. She was giving me my swimming cap.

"Bea." I looked at her not quite knowing what to do or say for the matter.

"They're all looking for you." She sat on the chair across mine. I didn't notice it at first but she's so well-dressed. She looks like she came out of a Valentino barbie scene.

"Oh, talaga?" I tried to act indifferent but to do that I have to look away. Hindi ko s'ya kaya tingnan. Not when I 'm like this. Not when I have a million confusing things on my mind right now.

"Go back with me." I shrugged my shoulders. I don't need to be chaperoned.

"Kaya ko sarili ko. I can go back there by myself."

"Everyone in the U23 team is invited to Mom's party. The rest would be going after dinner. The party starts at 9. Paalis na siguro sila by now." Hindi n'ya pinansin ang rude behavior ko. Instead, she just continued.

I just nodded with that Siguro napansin n'yang hindi pa rin ako magsasalita kaya dinugtungan n'ya. "You should get dressed. Ma-llate na tayo sa party."

"Invited ba ako?" I finally mustered up a little courage to look at her and dodge a sarcasm.

"I said 'everyone', 'di ba?" She countered.

"Pagod ako. I'll just stay here." I stood up and decided to go back to the pool. I need to start counting laps again. I need to get her off my mind.

But she grabbed me by the hand and face me to her. "Hey, look at me."

Ayoko. Hindi ko kaya, Bea, can't you see that?

Sinubukan kong pumiglas mula sa mga hawak n'ya but her grip just became more insistent.

"Bitawan mo ako. Umalis ka na. Ma-llate ka na, 'di ba?" I looked away. Kahit pinapaalis ko s'ya pero may parte ng pagkatao ko na hinihiling na sana mag-stay s'ya. Para saan? 'Yung ang hindi ko alam.

"Look at me, Jho. Look at me when I'm talking to you," she softly reprimands. And I did.

What I saw shocked me. Her eyes were full of pain- was she worried about me? But she was smiling. It was a painful site, I had to look away again.

"I know I hurt you when I didn't tell you about tonight. I know I made you feel like a left out."She closed her eyes and breathed soundly. "I'm sorry."

"You don't need to be. Sino lang naman kasi ako, 'di ba? You don't owe me anything. 'Wag ka mag-sorry." By this this time her hands had settled on my shoulders. Her eyes were distracted, she wanted to say something but I can't quite understand what is. And I doubt kahit s'ya.

"What are you saying, Jho? You're my friend. One of my best ones." She was trying to smile. Maybe she wants to encourage me. Sadly, I need more reasons to believe that, Bea.

"I wish I could believe that." I know it'd be hurtful for her to hear. I'm sorry but I, too, am pained. And I wanted her to see that because this is what we are- a cause and effect. This is what we have become and I believe she hasn't yet acknowledged that.

"Don't say that. Jho, just please."

"Masisi mo ba ako? Hindi ko na kasi maintindihan, Bea, eh. Bakit sa personal ang hirap hirap natin maging magkaibigan? Pero over the phone, okay naman tayo. Iaabot pa nga tayo ng umaga sa pag-uusap eh."

I finally face her and continued. "And to tell you the truth, I've been depending so much on that. On you. Minsan naiisip ko, mali ba 'ko to feel that among others, you understand me better. Every day, every after training, when all doubts have started parading, I have always trusted you to be there telling me nothing's actually going wrong my way. That at the end of the day, ando'n ka comforting me, bringing me my favorite dessert, sharing me your inner thoughts on the society, on humanity- even on corgis and rainbows."

I smiled at her. It was the most real that I could give her right now. "Pero bakit gano'n, sa tuwing susubukan kong maging kaibigan sa'yo, you'd go away. I just wanted to be your friend the same way that you are to me, Bea. It's not about Maddie and you being together. Or Jia and you being ex-lovers. For once, I just want us to deal with our own. Friendship goals, 'di ba? Eh, nasaan 'yon?"

She was looking with glassy eyes. I'm catching my breath. Sa dami-dami nang sinabi ko, bakit pakiramdam ko, kulang pa din 'yon?

"I'm sorry to hear that."

'Yun lang? Ang dami-dami no'n, Beatriz pero 'yun lang masasabi mo?

"Kung wala ka nang sasabihin, umalis ka na. Baka hinihintay ka na nila." I began to walk away. Her grip began to became loose and in a moment I was again in the waters doing my 1st lap for another round. When I my head was finally above the waters again, wala na s'ya sa lugar kung saan iniwan ko s'ya kanina.

I heard two pairs of footsteps approaching.

"Beh, ano nangyari? Bakit umalis si De Leon nang hindi ka kasama?" It was Ate Ella and Jia was beside her.

Hindi ko sila pinansin at nagpatuloy lang ako paglalangoy. Tuluy-tuloy lang ako hanggang hindi ko nararamdaman ang pagod, hindi ako tumigil. I don't want to stop and be alone with my thoughts. No. Not Again.

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AN: I literally just did this update to hear from you. Missed your comments, watties!