It was now decking two weeks away from Calvin's birthday. My mom was being moved to another hospital for better care, I'd seen her the day before the one I'm describing. My father and I had been completely ignoring eachother. I liked it that way. Kyla and I were sorta getting along. Ramón, well I'd been sorta avoiding him. But, I did message him. That's the only contact we had since the kiss. The guilt was eating me alive, and I'd been avoiding it.
U slidin through the house party tonite?
4:54PM
I don't have a choice. Calv's going right?
4:55PM
Idk man thas yo nigga Royce.
4:57PM
Aight bet.
4:58PM
"Rae, Jaymon and 'em goin' to this house party at Leo's. You comin' through?" Kyla asked.
"Probably, if Calv goes." I answered dryly.
"What's the scoops on y'all? You niggas argue more than a married couple."
"It's nathin' b. I swear."
Lie.
"You sure?"
"Yeah, girl."
Another lie.
"A'ight then."
"I'm inviting Mal and her nigga."
"I love Mal!"
I chuckled as my fingers flew across the screen to see if she could come with Aaron. Not even a full ten minutes later, did it result in her inviting John and Aaron. I hadn't spoken to John in months, and I knew he would probably be pissed that I haven't. The party started at eight until. I really didn't feel like going I remember. I didn't know what to where, I wasn't the most pleasant looking girl in the bunch. Eventually Kyla left because she was going to get some food with aunt Nicki. And an unwanted visitor popped up at the door. Can you take a guess who that was?
"Yes?" I answered the door.
"You comin' wit' me to that party. And you ain't goin' no where without me, hea' me? You stay wit' me." Calv said pushing past me into the apartment.
"I got other friends besides you. Mal and her nigga is comin' I'm chillin' wit' them." I said walking back into the room before being yanked backward my hair.
"You stayin' wit' me. I'on know where you thought you was goin'." He gripped my hair tighter.
"Calvin, get the fuck off me. This shit hurts!" I yelled trying to pry his hands off my hair, but that only made him grip tighter.
"Say sorry."
"Nigga for what?" I questioned.
He yanked my hair harsher and my neck bent back so far I thought it was gonna crack. I was so scared. I didn't know why he was doing this. My mom ain't raise no bitch, I'm supposed to stand my ground. But, in this moment it hurt too much.
"I'm-I'm sorry." I apologized and didn't know what for.
He let loose the grip on my plats, my stare at him was so furious and hurt. I was tired. Genuinely growing tired of the fighting, tired of the bullshit, tired of Calvin. I was completely loosing my feelings for him. Slowly, growing to dislike him more and more each and every time we fought. But, I stayed. At this point I was trapped. I was stuck in this relationship. At least that's how I felt.
I went to the bathroom, shutting and locking the door to shower. Turning the water on, I made sure it was the right temperature and pulled the lever for the shower to start. Stripping out of my clothing, I stared at myself and the bruises from his grips. The extremely pudgy stomach, and thick thighs. My reflection looked shattered. I was so broken, and so lost. At fourteen years old I never thought I could hate life so much. I never wanted to die so badly than that day in the bathroom. The depression running its course through my mind, I decided I was gonna do it. Going into the medicine cabinet of the bathroom, I took out eight pulls from whatever bottle I grasped. I bore my eyes at myself tilting my head back to through the pills into my mouth. That's when I realized what I was doing. Throwing the pills down, I teared up at my reflection hopping in the shower. I sat on the floor trembling and crying in fetal position. I started to see and hear things, making me scream so loud I thought all the air on my lungs escapes me. All of the sudden I was back at the scene of Austin's death. Closing my eyes, I willed it to stop. Holding the sides of my face. Once I opened my eyes, I was back in the shower. My trembling stopped, and I wiped away the tears I reluctantly let fall. I wasn't a bitch. I told myself that allot. I never was emotional. But, sometimes people cry not because they're weak, it's cause they've been too strong for too long.
Washing myself off, I dried off and went to get dress noticing that Calv left and Kyla was back. Now what do I wear to a party? I never been to a party before, so it's not like I know.
"I'ma help you hook it up Rae. The sweats and hoodie act ain't cuttin' shit for no party. You gotta look like a jawn, you gotta be valid like salad my nigga. You can't go lookin' like a dub. Fuck outta hea'." Kyla pulled me further into the room.
She ordered me to sit on the bed and I did. Rummaging through my clothes for a good ten minutes or so. Finally finding for me to wear. She pulled my red plaid flannel. My long sleeve all black shirt and these denim jeans that fit my booty all right. She let me borrow her studded timbs and made me get dressed. Moisturizing my body I got ready, she finally handing me my hoodie since it was chilly out tonight. It snowed a couple days ago and everything was clearing up.
"Damn cuzzo, you ova' there lookin' like a jawn and shit. Was' yo number?" She smiled jokingly.
"Stop, thank you. Forreal."
"A'ight now, let's go."
Grabbing our necessities, we headed out.
-
The party was jumping and I was making sure to stay away from everything illegal. I didn't sip any of the hard liquor they had or smoke any blunts, nor take any other drugs they had. I even went down to the bodega to get myself a drink. But I was naive. The one thing my mother told me not to do I did. So naive, I was oblivious because I was actually enjoying myself even with the likes of Calvin. My mom told me, if you put your drink down anywhere, you do not go back to your drink. Leave it. How stupid could I have been? I went back to my drink and kept sipping from my Pepsi. Not knowing until hours later, my drink had been spiked.
By the time I realized it too late.
I barely even remember the night I was so fucked up. I just remember being everywhere, on everyone. This was my first time having any form of narcotic and of course my drug virgin body was reacting out in the worst trip ever. What I do remember is after being all over some bitch, I was pulled out the house by none other than my boyfriend. I don't quite remember the conversation or the argument. But, I do remember him gripping my neck up. He was mad. But, I couldn't remember why I was too high. And the worst thing about it was since everyone was inside, no one was there to save me. After he let go of me I remember him going back inside, and Kyla coming out with Mal, and they decided to take me home.
I may not remember that night well, but this day has to be one of my lowest points. Please don't judge me. I know I was young and dumb.
