Two weeks later..
A couple weeks since the whole "I love you" you ordeal. I told Ramón I couldn't say it back. Because, I may've been naive and dumb. But, foolish I wasn't. I knew I didn't love Ramón. I had strong feelings for him. He respected my wishes.
I was watching how I ate and what I did since I was pregnant. Mal and I started kicking it more often. My mom was making miraculous progress. A complete turn around on her health. She was still doing bad, but she wasn't doing horrible. I was glad for that. Everything was kosher I'd say.
"Ms. Dane, may I see you after class?" My algebra teacher asked me.
"Sure."
We were doing some shit with the quadratic formula that I didn't understand. I was just ready for February recess. The milk dud was taking me up state to see my siblings. I hadn't seen them in almost four years, I was actually excited to visit them. Then Mal was taking me with her to Cincinnati when I came back to visit her family. I was ready to go.
The bell rung, and I approached Mr. Fitzhugh's desk. He was grading some tests.
"Raelynn, I'm concerned about your grades. Since the second semester started, your grades have been horrible. I know you're a smart girl. But, you're flunking this course. Your teachers and I have been talking, and you're endanger of failing ninth grade." He said.
"What?!"
He handed me a sheet of paper with my grades and stats on my tests for my core classes. I'd been doing under the level of satisfactory. I surely was failing. Lord knows I'd been trying, but was stressed out due to all the shit popping off in my life. This would only cause me to stress out.
"We're gonna work with you Raelynn. We need to talk with your parents and find a solution, besides summer school." Mr. Fitzhugh said.
I nodded my head, staring in bewilderment at this paper. I just couldn't believe it. This wasn't me. I was a smart girl. Hell, I was in gifted programs during junior high and elementary. There's no fucking way.
"Thanks Mr. F." I smiled weakly.
"No problem."
The day carried on as I stated to myself. Even at lunch I didn't talk to anyone, not even Ramón. I was just so fucked up. I knew this would trigger my depression to act out. I really didn't want that, but it's not like I could do anything to help it.
By the time I got home, I was in a complete rut. I knew Mr. Fitzhugh was gonna call my pops and Aunty. I wasn't worried about being grounded. I was worried about how I'm disappointing my mom. How I'm gonna start stressing out again which at that moment was really bad for my health. To take my mind off things, I called Mal and walked to the bodega to get some chopped cheese and an Arizona.
"Was' good?"
"Nathin' my nigga, just left prison. What about you?"
"Man, Aaron got me mad tight right now. He odee wildin' over some fuckin' cereal. He started shit wit' me over a box of fuckin' cereal my nigga. Fuck outta hea' he deadass about to get mollywhopped, on my life son."
"Damn, I'an know my guy was wildin' like that. My nigga deadass buggin' ova' some cereal. But, b it's brick as fuck out hea' son."
"This nigga got me dumb weak, talm 'bout he leavin' me over a box of cereal. A'ight bet. Be out my nigga. And I know, why you outside?"
"'Boudda cop some chop cheese nigga. It's lit my nigga."
"Word, so was' really good?"
Mal and I kept talking as I got my food from the bodega and left. Eventually she had to go, Aaron was tripping and she had to settle that shit. I got back home, and demolished that shit. I went to use the bathroom afterwards. When I went to wipe myself, I noticed blood in my underwear and on my tissue.
"Aunty!" I screamed.
-
"Ms. Dan-"
"I know!" I yelled.
The doctor looked at me with sympathy. I didn't want any of this shit. I was doing it right. I was doing everything right. I couldn't understand, why couldn't my baby stay with me? I just couldn't believe that I miscarried.
Honestly, this day out of all days of my life. Tops all worst days of my life. Reflecting on this almost four years later. This day, was the absolute worse day of my life. With all I've been through, including commodities before this book. This day was the fucking worst day of my life. I didn't care that I was only fourteen and pregnant. A baby is a baby. It's a serious situation. This child, my unborn child didn't ask to be here. But, I knew I just knew I was going to take pride in my baby. No matter who looked at me as promiscuous or any form of slandering way. I didn't care how people viewed me at that point. I was going to do all in my power to make sure the child that was growing in me had a life better than mine. Yet, my body turned on me instead of blessing me with this gift. Though, the child was a reminder of a very horrendous thing in my life, I felt that I had something to truly live for. I could put all my heart and love into ones soul who could do nothing but blindly and innocently love me. But, that chance was ripped away from me.
This was honestly the hardest chapter to write.
