To Be or Not to Be | hamilton

eighteen : john

{selfhate and anorexia}

As soon as the door shut, John turned to Peggy, feeling lighter. "Do you... like him?"

Peggy nodded. "So do you, now, apparently."

"No, Pegs. Do you... y'know... like, do you like like him?" Peggy blushed, and John gasped. "You do!"

Peggy grinned, so widely and so happily it was infectious. John couldn't help but smile as well. "You mustn't tell anyone, Mister Laurens," she said matter-of-factly. "That stays in this room."

John laughed, moving an imaginary zipper over his lips. "You have my word."

"You have to admit, he is pretty cute."

"He has nice hair...?"

"It's so curly! I love it! I bet it's super soft."

John smiled at his frie- Peggy. What was Peggy to him? He stopped laughing and frowned.

"What is it?" Peggy sounded concerned.

"Pegs..." John hesitated, suddenly feeling shy. "Are we... am I your friend?"

"Friends?" Peggy blinked with a smile. "Of course. Friends 'till the end."

"Friends 'till the end," John murmured after her.

He was happy.

}{

Peggy was proud of herself for being able to make John happy, he could tell. But instead of feeling like some sorry project like something like that normally would, it only made him feel better. Like he was making someone proud- like he was helping someone else, too.

Was that possible? For your saviour to be dependent on you like you were on them? John didn't know, but that was okay.

Okay, what an odd word. He only felt that with Alexander, and it was what people wanted him to be. But what if-

No. John had promised himself no philosophical thinking- the last times he had, the results weren't pretty.

He grabbed his phone as the sound of screaming reached his ears. He froze, listening to the people downstairs.

"Daddy-" Peggy.

"No! He's a guest, not family!" Mr. Schuyler. John felt ice go down his back in fear.

"Daddy, hear me out!"

"No!"

"Daddy, please, I'm helping him-"

"I have a meeting tomorrow! He can't be here!"

"I'm making him happy! Do you not care?!"

"I could lose my job!"

John felt a sinking feeling. He was just a burden. "He has nowhere else to go!"

"What about his dorm?"

"The term is out, Daddy!"

"So?"

"And it reminds him of his father!"

"Find him somewhere, Margarita Schuyler."

"Daddy, please-"

"I said no, miss!"

The screaming continued downstairs, but there was commotion outside his room. He pretended to be busy on his phone, opening up the Notes app and typing out his feelings. To the people looking at him, it'd look like texting.