To Be or Not to Be | hamilton

twenty-eight : third

{one more chapter ;-;}
{tw; funeral/death}

The funeral wasn't one John wanted to attend, but he knew he had to. As he dressed, he stared at himself blankly in the mirror, his skin one day unblemished.

He had lived twenty years with Alexander Hamilton in his life. Exactly one month ago, he turned twenty-one. But he didn't want to drink- he knew what it did to his boyfriend. He was twenty-one years old, and he no longer had his boyfriend. It was his fault- at least his mind told him as such.

Thomas, however, did want to go to the funeral. He had always admired the finality of funerals, how after the casket was closed one could walk away.

He wanted Peggy to be happy again. He wanted to be happy again. After Alexander died, one month ago to the day, it was as if their happiness had died with him. Thomas wanted it back, wanted Alexander back. It was his fault Alexander died, wasn't it?

Thomas never liked black. He changed his outfit with a sigh, wearing the magenta Alexander always hated on him, one last time.

Eliza knew what happened wasn't her fault, but she couldn't
help but blame herself. She made tea for her sisters early that morning, because she couldn't sleep anymore. She made breakfast too, but nobody seemed to be hungry.

As she dressed in a somber black, she thought of Alexander, what have been, and what could have been. A single tear fell onto her dress, blemishing the fine material. An imperfection, just like her life after Alexander.

Ariana Debose only knew Alexander because of John's father trial. She had saved him from an unjust arrest, and wanted to see the boy she saved one last time (and she could make a good article out of it). Ariana couldn't help but feel a tinge of guilt- she should have known Alexander better, not be attending his funeral. She didn't know him, and she was making an article about the effects of drugs on youth.

She stared at herself in the mirror, applying eyeliner with a sigh. John had invited her, and Ariana could only hope she wasn't called upon to speak.

}{

John arrived an hour early, which he liked. It gave him... quiet time for him and Alexander. Which he needed, very much so- he had... unspoken words to the man.

He had sworn to himself to not cry, and he managed to uphold that until the start of the funeral.

"Alexander," he began, his voice strong, "I love you. I can't say I loved you, because... y-you... you can't be in my past yet. I love you. I always will. I... they say you can't love another until you love yourself. But I don't think that's true. Neither of us love ourselves, but that's just the weird thing... with you, I love you but I feel like I can love myself too. And... I hope I do the same for you. You're my everything, all the things I never was and will never be. I love you. Alex... you were that missing piece in my life. You make me feel complete. You...," John ran out of things to say. "One last kiss." He bent down, kissing the top of the closed casket and pretending it was his boyfriend, before spending the remainder of that hour regretting not doing more with Alexander while he had the time.

Thomas and Peggy arrived fifteen minutes before. She hadn't worn makeup, and Thomas was taken aback by how beautiful she was without it.

He held her close as she began to sob again, and he swore to never let her go.

Eliza arrived there five minutes before the start of the funeral, and was shocked when she saw how filled the room was. She took one of the pamphlets and put it in her purse.

Eliza wondered if her speech would be acceptable, if she could get through it without crying. She hoped she could.

Ariana arrived as the funeral was starting, sliding in to a seat in the back and setting up her camera. She gave a small wave to John, who's eyes were red and puffy.

Reading the agenda, she grinned in relief. She wasn't called on to speak.

}{

John was to speak last, which he was grateful for.

Lafayette was speaking first. He told of the connection he felt he had with the other immigrant, the things they had told each other. His speech was emotional enough to move John to tears.

}{

Peggy was next to speak. Thomas squeezed her hand one last time, and she glided up to the podium with her usual grace.

"I... I was never close to Alexander, something I regret now," she began, and Thomas closed his eyes, holding back his tears. Mulligan and Madison had gone before her, making three wholesome speeches that made Thomas cry, every time. "In high school, there was a caste system of sorts, one that followed us into college." Thomas had his eyes closed, but he could tell Peggy was fighting tears. Her pain was in her shaky, choked voice. "Alexander always seemed to be above me. He was... a g-god, and I was... nobody. B-but," she hiccuped, "then he dated my sister. I saw... how h-human he was. He wasn't godly a-and perfect," she laughed. "He was j-just like us. B-but a little more b-broken, as I'd see at the trial. Alexander went through things nobody should have to face. I miss him," she whispered. "And I wish he could have had better.

"He was never religious, but when Alexander was dying he t-told me he'd be haunting me for the rest of my days. A- he... he told me God would send him down here to torment me. I laughed it off at the time," Peggy smiled, and Thomas knew she was wiping tears out of her eyes. "But now I want that. I miss you, Alexander. Thank you for caring about me."

}{

Aaron went next, but Eliza wasn't listening. She was trying to dry her tears, readying herself for her speech.

Eliza walked up shakily, pausing to touch Alexander's casket.

"I am the Schuyler sister Alexander dated," she began. "For a little. I'm sure he wouldn't care if I said this, so I will be honest. We broke up quickly because of the bad life decisions he was making. I couldn't- I can't- love a man addicted to drugs and sex, a gay man at that. At the time I thought it best. But now... I'd give anything to have that relationship back. To have him back." Eliza saw Ariana in the back, and she forgot her papers. She began to freestyle. "Most of you here knew him well. But for those of you who don't... Alexander would always work. He worked hard for what he had, but then he stopped. He stopped his work, and then he would have sex and get high. It was heartbreaking," Eliza whispered. "I watched him throw his life down the drain. I want him back. I want to do what he couldn't do. Starting now, I'm going to change the world. For Alexander Hamilton." Eliza continued to speak, but she was only half-aware of her words.

}{

Finally, it was John's turn. Ariana had, with permission, been taking notes if the other speeches, but she knew she needed to record this one. She set up her phone to record the audio and moved to her camera, preparing to take pictures.

"Alexander is, not was, my boyfriend. He is the love of the life and the love I can't give myself." John wanted to cry more, but he was so drained, he didn't have the energy. Ariana felt a surge of pity. "Alexander wants to change the world, but he got to change one man. I know this sounds selfish, but I guess that is changing the world- his world. And I will finish that for him, with Eliza." John went on to talk about some of Alexander's backstory and qualities, describing how he saved John many, many times, and how in turn he was going to save the world, before finishing it up with a heartfelt sentence so emotional it brought Ariana to tears: "I love you, Alexander."

She had her story.