| The Confessions of a cake shipper |

the ballad of me and my brain

I guess this could be a tad triggering maybe??? idk read at your own risk

this is just kind of a ramble thing about my head and it's probably not interesting but maybe someone will relate idk

right now I feel sad. and it's pretty common for me to say that, almost so it has no meaning anymore, but it hurts. just like every other time, it hurts.

I don't know how to describe what I'm feeling. partly because it's difficult to explain and put your finger on it, but also because I don't know how to tell people how I feel.

I try to, but it never feels like a good enough definition and I always end up being annoying and over-explaining (a habit I have been called out for).

but there's another reason I can't bring myself to do it and I don't know what it is.

usually when I'm explaining my sadness it's not too hard because, frankly: you can expect most people to be sympathetic/empathize with you and be super caring.

but I get afraid about telling people that their actions or words have hurt me. I worry and worry and try and type out a sentence to explain it to them, but I would never send it.

it's gotten to the point where if a friend upsets/angers me...I just repress it. I'm avoiding conflict and pain altogether.

if I end up having an argument with a friend I am always the first to apologize because I get so anxious about how mad they are at me and if they hate me and fear that I will lose them as a friend.

recently I read that this 'conflict phobia' is me suppressing my emotions to avoid conflict because I think that a relationship/friendship/whatever is not supposed to have any conflict at all.

I think this is a pretty good way to sum it up. I'm pretty idealistic when it comes to relationships (maybe that's why I can't make anyone die in a fanfic).

I've had pretty rough fights with some of my closest friends in the past, and those have made me cry and scared and my heart hurt more than anything else in the world. I literally would rather experience anything else rather than the pain of another bad fight.

I really hate that I do this but I don't know how to stop myself or my brain.

this was supposed to be about my mental health but I just rambled about me not being able to express my feelings to people wow good job jayden

if you're also having mental probs as well I am the best person to go to since I won't start fights w you apparently! (jk but seriously if you need to talk contact me anywhere)

what was this I don't know

-jayden, actual marshmallow