Hopelessly In Love

Jay

I am not good enough.

I was not good enough.

I will never be good enough.

These three sentences repeat in my head over the next five hours. Five hours is a long time to be alone with your thoughts. Especially when even a few words could make you completely explode.

As we flick through each movie I can't help but think, he liked me. He said he liked me. And god dammit, I like him back. So much. I'd never experienced love. This was as close as I'd ever gotten. I think of myself now as a hopelessly in love girl. That's all I was. Hopelessly in love.

Stephanie tries to make small talk throughout the time I'm there but I can only answer with simple yes', no's and occasional mhmms. She gives me occasional glances. Apologetic glances. She must've known about this girl. This girl that I knew absolutely nothing about. Nathan occasionally mentioned her. Only the little things. How she spoke, and how she smiled, how he liked her so much until he finally gained the confidence to ask her out. She said yes, obviously. He spoke of her so kindly and carefully. Her name was Jade. Or 'Jay' for short.

Over the next few days I heard everything. From her perky walk to her few piercings. Ears, eyebrow and tongue. Just if you were wondering. Nathan spoke so highly of her. He was so wrapped up in her that he never saw the occasional tear that'd slip for my eye when he'd talk about the shade of her eyes or the smell of her hair.

The night I was told about Jay I cried. I cried for so long. The only times I stopped were when I was sleeping or when Steph came over to comfort me. Even then there were occasional outbursts.

After a few weeks I'd had enough of crying. I decided that crying wouldn't do anything to help the situation. The only thing I could do now was get over it. Unfortunately. It really isn't that easy.

I'd visit Stephanie a lot more now. I didn't even mind when Nathan was there. I must say I did enjoy seeing him happy, but all he'd ever talk about was the same girl. The same girl that wasn't me.

Had he ever spoken to others about me like that?

Did Jay know my name?

Probably not. It's not the best idea to talk about the hearts you've broken to your current girlfriend. Beverly and I where now very much alike. We were such fools.

Nathan slowly lost interest in talking about her. Well, it wasn't that he lost interest it was more that he'd run out of things to tell. I probably knew her better than she knew herself. I knew her favorite color, her favorite bands, I even knew the story behind the small key chain that resembled grapes, attached to the zipper on Nathan's backpack. The story was not worth the time. I found that I didn't care what Nathan spoke about anymore. As long as I got to be around him I wasn't so angry or upset. Which is what I found weird.

How is it that the person who can make you the most unhappy person, also make you feel like you're on top of the world. 

Maybe that's what trust was. 

Trusting them to make you happy all the time because they could. And trusting them not to make you sad, because they didn't want to. That's what Nathan lost from me. My trust. And from him, I lost everything. 

Maybe i'm wrong.

In the end Nathan ended up sitting in his bedroom only giving me a nod when he saw me. He never turned to me anymore. And for some strange reason he decided I enjoyed being tormented. Tormented by the words that left his mouth. The words that represented one person, one of two people who I'd give anything to forget. Everything to forget. Jade. The girl who'd made Nathan's heart skip a beat and mine stop completely.

It was crazy to think that she'd ruined everything, and that she didn't even know it.

I'm not absolutely sure if that's luxury or not.

(Yes, this is short. Yes, it's shitty. Yes, it's confusing. Get the fuck over it.)