Facing my Demons

Chapter 7

Chi-Chi hummed quietly to herself as she and Bulma prepared lunch. She was feeling happy. She hadn't felt this much happiness in over eight years. It was before the Cell Games, those few days that Goku and Gohan were home after training in the Hyperbolic time chamber. This was very close to the happiness she had felt back then, however, she wishes it was exactly the same. She wishes a lot of the time that she could just turn back time and do things differently. Prevent Gohan from going to that battle, or maybe even Goku, or better yet, both of them, anything to just change the way things turned out. No, what she really needed was to slap her past self in the face and scream at her that her baby boy was hurting. In a way, this was partially her fault. If only she had given the boy the love and attention he needed, maybe, just maybe, he wouldn't have taken his own life and perhaps, Gohan wouldn't be so angry at Goku. At everyone. Yes, she should have been able to see her child's pain, I mean, it's a mother's duty, is it not?

Chi-Chi stopped what she was doing, absentmindedly staring at the wall, clutching a knife in her shaking hand. She should have seen it, she always acted as though she was the perfect parent, but look what happened. She had been so caught up in her own selfish desires that she neglected her son. Oh, God! Did he even eat right?! Was his hungry saiyan stomach at least full when he went to bed? She can't remember. She can't even remember if her own son ate properly. What the hell is wrong with her?! How could she? She can't even remember if he kept up with his studies! She had been so caught up preparing for Goten that she just can't seem to remember these things.

"Chi-Chi?" Bulma asked softly, noticing her friend's violent shaking.
"I can't even remember if he ate properly!" Chi-Chi cried, clutching the knife tightly before letting it fall, collapsing to her knees as she cried into her hands. The sudden movement of her friend collapsing scared Bulma for a moment, the blue haired woman rushing forward.
"Chi-Chi!" Bulma yelled, thinking something horrible has happened. Noticing the commotion, the Z warriors rushed to the entrance of the house.
"Chi-Chi! What-" Goku cut himself at the scene that greeted him. Bulma was hugging Chi-Chi, who was crying uncontrollably, her small form shaking.
"He was breaking apart and I can't even remember if he ate!!" Chi-Chi cried, mostly repeating her previous statement.

Chi-Chi's cries were heart wrenching, cutting into even Vegeta's heart. Pikkon and Olibu had rushed in right after Goku, having expected that the women were being attacked. Goku had always told them how strong Chi-Chi is and the two have noticed it in the little while they have personally known her, so to see this though, nearly unbreakable woman, crying and shaking, breaking before their very eyes, was quite a shocker.
"Chi-Chi," Goku spoke softly, taking Bulma's place in hugging his wife. He could understand her pain, he was sure nearly everyone could as no one had noticed the boy's troubles. It was silent as Chi-Chi cried into her husband's chest, clutching at his gi top with her small fists. Goten stood in front of Vegeta and Yamcha who stood in the doorway, not understanding why his mother was crying. He had seen her cry before, but not like this. It was almost frightening for the little boy, seeing his mother, the strongest person in the world, break down about something he can't understand. Who was she talking about? Was it Gohan?

A few minutes of crying, Chi-Chi pulled back from Goku, whiping away her tears, she took a deep breath before standing up, back to her normal self.
"Alright, out of my kitchen! Goku, go check on Gohan and see if he's still asleep, please? Lunch is almost ready," Chi-Chi said, a smile on her face. Goku frowned, but nodded and exited the kitchen walking towards the stairs. He didn't like it when Chi-Chi did that. He knew she never gave herself the time to heal and mourn. She was still mourning Gohan's suicide from over eight years ago, because she never allowed herself to cry and heal back then. She had ignored her own emotional pain and instantly went back to being strong. She needed to cry, to heal her old wounds. Her doing this, was a lot like Gohan hiding his pain and heartache from everyone and not allowing anyone in to help. Looks like he not only needed to talk to Gohan, but to Chi-Chi as well.

Opening Gohan's bedroom door, Goku stepped inside and walked towards where his son lay, still sleeping peacefully. His right arm under his head as he his left rested in front of his face, his knees drawn a little closer his chest. He had managed to kick his blankets from his body and was now relying on his body heat to keep himself warm. A sad smile crossed over Goku's face. He had forced Gohan to grow up to quickly and not only managed to hurt the boy, but Chi-Chi and himself. They never got to see Gohan do some of the things normal children did. He never played in the woods, he never came home dirty. Oh, how Goku wished he could turn back time and do things differently. If he could, he wouldn't have resorted to sacrificing himself to defeat Raditz, he would have found another way. Instead he would have trained Gohan himself, or perhaps not at all.

He sees it now, it's a little late, but he realizes that Gohan was never made to be a fighter, he was far to gentle. Goku, himself, was gentle as well, but knew when it was necessary to kill an enemy. Gohan used to believe that you could change someone with words alone. He even tried it against Cell, but it didn't work and the boy was forced to violently deal with an enemy, alone. Goku sat on his son's bed, smiling as Gohan shifted slightly before settling down again. Goku ran his fingers through the soft, pitch black hair, watching as it stubbornly kept falling into the teen's face. Gohan's brow furrowed at the annoying feeling, briefly swatting at his father's hand before settling down once more. Goku sighed quietly as he stood, covering Gohan with the blankets again. Hesitating, Goku bent over, placing a gentle kiss to Gohan's forehead before turning and leaving the room.

Once downstairs, Goku watched silently as Chi-Chi chopped things quickly, practically a master chef. Bulma would occasionally give her friend worried glancing before returning to her own thing.
"Gohan's still asleep, should we wait for him?" Goku asked as he stepped into the room completely.
"I think so, I don't believe he should be asleep for much longer. In the meantime, we can spend some time together outside," Chi-Chi said, turning and giving a small smile to Goku who returned the gesture, leaving the two women alone in the kitchen.
"Hey, Goku. How's Gohan?" Krillin asked once his best friend sat next to him on the blanket spread out across the grass.
"Still asleep," Goku answered as he lay back, arms behind his head as he stared at the clouds. It was so peaceful.

Gohan sat up once his father left the room. He had been awake for quite some time now, though he chose to just lay around and rest. He had heard his mother's cries, though felt it was a stupid thing for her to have worried about. Sighing, Gohan stood, walking to his dresser and pulling out one of his razor blades. Gohan walked back to his chair, which still stood in front of his window. He pulled back the curtains, squinting at the sunlight shining into his previously dark room. Sitting down, Gohan propped his feet up on the windowsill, his hands resting in his lap. No matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't get his mother's cries out of his head. The way she cried, Gohan doesn't remember a time he had ever heard the woman sound so heartbroken.

He wonders, does it really effect her as much as she leads on? No, his mother never was a person to cry or really do anything for sympathy or attention. She was strong and often chose not to show weakness like that, but recently her emotions were all over the place. And it was all thanks to him. Strange, he can't believe he actually broke the woman. She hasn't ever cried that much over one matter, not even when Goku died. Goku, his father acted strangely earlier when he came to check on Gohan. He had never before played with his hair nor did he kiss his forehead. Strange. Gohan looked down, not having noticed that he was slicing his wrists and arms the entire time he was lost in thought. Both his arms were covered in cuts and blood as well the floor, there was blood seemingly everywhere. Gohan didn't panic, though, the blood wasn't all that much more than it usually was. What he was worrying about though, was what he could sense outside. Not thinking clearly, Gohan sat up quickly, running out the door and down the stairs. This can't be happening, not now!