Life After Death

Chapter 21

I don't know how I managed for the next couple of weeks. It didn't feel like time passed, but I know it did.

The sky tilted to a lighter shade, a more vibrant shade. I waited in the cabin - in hopes that Roman would come back for me because, if I'm being honest, I needed him. I needed him more than I gave him credit for.

Kassima and Topher hadn't come back. And I couldn't be left in that cabin, I felt like I was slowly being drained of everything that made me alive - or dead, whatever. So the only thing that I thought would help me get out of this funk was to get up and get out. I knew Roman was never coming to get me so I might as well go.

That morning, as I walked down that deserted street I cried. I cried and cried and cried - well, heaved and heaved and heaved - until I was nothing but a floating soul. Until my throat felt raw and abused. The wind was gentle but ice cold. The snow was coming down in light wisps and it melted on my face. It acted as tears for me - since I couldnt cry. I wanted to cry though. I really did. I never knew I would have ever missed something so trivial. But I did. Being dead put a whole new perspective on life.

I came into town, trudging through dirty clumps of snow, with my hair hanging around my face. So I didn't notice the small change in the usually sleepy town of Hope. It was when someone walked through me like I was a fucking hologram that I stopped. The person I had walked through felt familiar. I saw short black hair raised in tufts and sort of frizzed. A round body covered in thick clothes. It was a girl, she whipped her round, red face to face me. Danielle Stilinski.

Gigi Rosalind would always tease Danielle because she was rather chubby and because of the raging acne that was spread across her face. Danielle was Danny Stilinski's younger sister.

Danielle looked like she had been crying. Her eyes were watery and red-rimmed and puffy. She looked like she hadn't been sleeping for days, maybe even weeks. Her black-dyed hair was oily and sticking up crazily.

Danielle was unintentionally looking straight at me. She even narrowed her eyes at me a bit. I was sure that she was looking at me. But I knew she couldn't - not unless she was a psychic or something.

Danielle sighed heavily, shakily, and turned around and began to walk toward a yellow Volkswagen Beetle.

I turned around to face the church building. People were streaming out in throngs. I noticed most of them as people from my school, some were older members of the community. Like Mrs Mersey the woman that owned a knitting store, Mr Brar that owned a clinic for animals - all these people were in church. Mr Brar was Hindu, that I knew. So why was he at church?

I hesitantly walked up the steps leading to the church and pushed past the people. Inside, the church was warm and smelt like wax because of the candles that were burning. Incense had been lit too. I looked at the altar and saw a massive portrait of Danny. And suddenly I felt numb. My legs gave way underneath me and I collapsed on the floor. The heaving started up again.

Danny Stilinski was dead.

I heard soft murmuring. In the corner of the church, on his knees, praying, was David. Tears were running down his face.

Standing on my wobbly legs, I staggered toward him, feeling the lump probe my throat in protest.

Danny was dead.

I sat down next to David, listening to him pray to a vacant god. I knew that he wasn't physically there. God was somewhere else. Somewhere far from here. I knew.

"I know you don't like me, for what I've done, for what I am," David prayed. "But taking another person I loved? First you take the one person that I loved, someone that understood me, and now you take away him. You take Danny? Why would you even -" David drew in a shaky breath. "Why didn't you stop him? Why couldn't I have been there to prevent him from - from killing himself?"

A gasp tore through my throat. Danny killed himself?

Danny was dead - because of me.

I felt dread and guilt and horror overwhelm me. I knew why Danny killed himself. But I wanted to know if it really was because of me.

"Danny was a good kid," David said. "He was my every thing... Danny, if you're up there if you can hear me please know that I love you and I will never, ever forget you. And if you can't hear this then whoever can - send him that message. Please."

I watched David make the sign of the cross after saying a curt, "Amen," and leaving.

I don't know how long I just sat there in that church, heaving. I have never felt this horrible before.

"You killed me!" I had yelled. What if that message got sent to Danny? What if he thinks he's at fault? I don't think I would be able to be alive or dead or whatever I am any more. Not with knowing what I did. Danny didn't deserve that.

Before I could stop myself I was standing in front of the portrait of Danny. My fingertips grazed his mop of brown hair and his cheeks spread in a wide smile, in the picture. "I'm sorry..." I whispered. Hoping the cool breeze that filtered in through the large colorful bay windows would carry my message toward him.

I turned around and walked out the church. As soon as I came out of the building, lightning struck and it began to rain.

I was going to go to Danny's wake. Maybe I'd see him there and deliver David's message.