Life After Death

Chapter 33

I was drowning all over again.

It felt as though everything was a big jumbled mess--I didn't know anything; the things I thought so much of: dying, the pizzeria for Lost Souls. I wanted the answers to all the questions that kept me up. I wanted to know the truth. I wanted to know everything. Then again, a part of me is so afraid of what I might encounter. I don't want to be anymore hurt than I already have been. I wanted to make things right. Not only with myself, but with those I wronged. I wanted things to work out, if not for me, then somebody else.

I felt hollow, though. I felt like I was looking at everything and everyone around me through a window, waiting for them to break me out of this dark place.

Before, I felt angry and just full of packed up rage about being dead--who's fault it was and why everything turned out the way they did.

Now, I just felt like giving up. I wanted to know the truth but I felt as though once it was all out and in the open, I would just move on. I wanted to. Or did I?

I wasn't even sure what I wanted! I was so confused and lost... and depressed.

I curled up in a ball and let the scent of Roman envelope around me. He smelt good--mint chocolate and sandalwood. The scent calmed me down somehow. I closed my eyes and focused on the scent of him and images flitted over my eyelids.

It was Roman. He was with Sylvia.

At first I thought they'd kiss but nothing happened. They were talking. Their voices were mumbled, but the more I focused, the clearer their voices became.

"What are you doing?" Sylvia asked Roman. He was paging through some notebook until he came to a scribbled on page. I couldn't make out what he said. "Clara?" Sylvia seemed worried. "You had another one of those dreams again?"

Roman looked at her. He seemed annoyed, pissed off, maybe. "What are you doing here anyway?"

"I came to see how you were doing. You never came to the control room."

Roman didn't say anything.

"Roman, what's going on?"

"I saw her," he said through gritted teeth. "But it wasn't her at the same time."

Clara Clarkson.

"Who was it then?" Sylvia frowned. "Reggie wants to know why you skipped out on control room meeting. You're always the first one there."

"She might die..."

"Who?"

Roman raised his t-shirt and read the name off his muscled abdomen. "Meredith Gray."

I coughed and sat up in the bed; the blankets were bunched up around me and I was breathing heavily.

Suddenly the door open, at first I thought it was Roman but it was Sylvia instead.

"Hey, I thought you'd get hungry," Sylvia said, closing the door behind me. "And don't worry it's soul food--literally." She handed me a takeout box.

I flipped the lid and was faced with breaded chicken.

"The cafeteria food here is surprisingly good," Sylvia added.

"Thanks. I was starving." I realized as the delicious scent of the food raced up my nose and hit a spot that made something in me curl up and want to scream and cry. Mom used to make breaded chicken like this.

"Hey, are you okay?"

"No," I muttered. "I'm not okay. I'm dead. I basically killed someone because of my jealousy--and he's somewhere here, I sort of need to talk to him--and things might never go back to the way they were." I looked at the food. "I'm sorry Sylvia but I can't eat. I--"

"Hey, you need to eat." Sylvia nodded toward the food. "If you don't, soon you'll be a pile of stardust in the atmosphere and Roman would be pissed off I let that happen."

"He doesn't even know you're feeding me right now."

"Yeah thats because he's a useless mother fuc--"

"Okay, I get it," I stopped her.

Sylvia let out a huff of annoyance and sighed. "Why are you here, Meredith? You can't be here, you know that right. You being here destroys the balance of, well, everything."

I poked the breaded chicken. It looked good. But how could I eat when people were suffering out there. And it was my fault. My family was falling apart, a kid killed himself, and David was all alone. God knows, what that kid is capable of when his going through a hard time--wait, yeah I do, he cheats on his significant other. I don't think I would ever get over that one.

"Meredith?" Sylvia insisted. "Talk to me. I want to help."

"What's the use? I mess everything up. God, I came this far. I almost fucking died for this shit. I almost made a deal with the--Fuck, what was I thinking?" I pushed the food away. I was shaking.

"Meredith, right now, you're really unstable and I honestly don't know how to deal with it. Will you talk to me?"

I didn't even know if I could trust her with this information. I needed to talk to Roman. Not her. She was nice and all. But suddenly, I felt super paranoid.

I bit down on my bottom lip and ignored the images that flashed through my mind as Sylvia clutched onto my forearm.

A blond girl crying in the corner of a room. A blond girl standing on a bridge. She jumps. Darkness, a black hole. Wandering among the dead. I open my eyes and Sylvia wrenches her arm from me.

She looked afraid. "Meredith?"

I curled into a ball.

Sighing, Sylvia got up from the bed and retreated toward the door.

"Wait," I said, calling out to her. She paused at the door. "Leave the chicken. I can never say no to chicken." Sylvia laughed and left the chicken on the desk and gave me this look I couldn't exactly decipher. And she left.

I had just seen how Sylvia killed herself. I saw parts of her life.

What's wrong with me? And what is this power that I contain?