Out Of Bounds

14| Unknown Intentions

Warning: Some may be triggered by the events that happen in this chapter, those who are depressed or suicidal should not continue reading chapter 14.

I pictured myself sitting in their black leathered driver's seat, hands on the steering wheel, music blaring from the radio like she always did. I pictured myself with my hands on the wheel, a wide grin on my face like she always had. I pictured myself looking through the windshield, ready to go home after my job at the bank, the same one she had.

I imagined myself getting hit in the side, and all the memories in my life flooding me before I take one final breath. The vivid scary imaginations ended there; I was being shaken over and over again.

"Stella," a deep voice said. "Stella, wake up."

I opened my eyes, but she never will. My vision was blurry at first, but it came into focus and saw a distraught Shawn. "What?" I observed my surroundings. The first thing I recognized was the front of his house. "Why am I here?"

"I had practice at school when Coach Fernie and some girls on the soccer team called me over. They said you were standing there in shock. You wouldn't talk or move. They couldn't get a hold of your mom, so they called me."

It came rushing back. I kicked the soccer ball at our goalie, Winona, during soccer practice. Rebecca told me her mom died in a car accident. Owen visited me at school to tell me something.

"She's gone, Shawn. The woman who was like a mother to me is cold and dead. She acted like my mom more than mine ever did and she vanished, poof, gone." I rested my arms on my legs in the passenger seat of his car and buried my head in my hands.

"I know it hurts Stella, but it happens to everyone. I know how much you're hurting, so just let it out okay? Just keep talking to me," Shawn said from the outside of the car. The passenger door was swung wide open. He was crouched near the floor as his hands rubbed my back while I cried.

"I am a very sad person, and she was a bright soul that did nothing but spread happiness. Life is unfair to those who deserve everything their heart desires. Why is that Shawn? Why do good people get shitty deals?" I lifted my head from my hands and looked him in the eyes. 

"I don't know," he whispered. He licked his lips and sighed, sitting down on the cement as he leaned against the car. He spoke, "you're a good person, and you don't deserve the shitty things I did to you. I believe what you said about Becca's mom, and I'm sure she doesn't deserve the fate she received. We're living in a twisted world where the good get bad, and the bad get good."

I closed my eyes and rested my head on the seat. I wondered where she was right now. What happens to the souls of the departed? Do they truly find peace or are they in more pain than they were in before? Wherever she is, I hope it's somewhere she can showcase that smile everyone who knew her loved.

"Stella?"

"Yeah," I whispered.

"I know you're going to get annoyed. But I'm going to give a terrible apology again because even if it is a bad apology, you're a good person who deserves to hear the word 'sorry' from someone terrible like me." He breathed in, "so here it goes. I'm sorry for messing up your life and making you think you're hard to love. I'm sorry for using you for my own purposes, and if it makes you feel better, I dumped Nikki because we both don't deserve to get what we want. But you do, you're the one who deserves to be happy."

I stared at him blankly, trying to uncover the lie in all this. But I didn't want to argue. I didn't want to exhaust myself for him. "Can you please drive me home?" I asked. He stood up from his spot on the ground and entered the car.

•••

He still remembered where I lived. He even opened the door for me and dropped me off at the front door. He's trying to compensate for what he did, trying to make himself feel better about it. No matter how much someone thinks they are doing a good deed for someone else, there's always a little something in it for themselves. Whether the reward is money or feeling like a good person. It is all the same.

"Is that your boyfriend?" My mother asked from the living room. She was home early.

"He was my boyfriend, but now we're broken up because he used me and cheated on me. That was a few days ago. Don't worry about it; stay focused on your job. It's the only thing you're good at anyway."

I was filled with rage, roaring with anger like a tsunami. I couldn't keep my emotions bottled up, from the little things such as getting laughed at for being quiet to the big things like dad leaving. Everything I was ever angry about is rushing out of me, and my poor absent mother will be the first victim of this tsunami.

"Baby, I know you're hurt about the breakup, but if he chose to cheat-"

"No!" I yelled. "It's not just the breakup. I'm hurt by Rebecca for keeping it a secret from me. I'm hurt that dad left and that was years ago. The worst of all, I'm hurt because you're my mother, yet you act like a stranger to me. I have to find other people who will listen to me and comfort me, I have to look for love that will replicate a mother's special way of loving their children. I have to try to fill in the gaps of losing two parents with boyfriends and friends. I am chasing love and approval from others, and all I'm getting is more disappointment. Now tell me that you know me and you understand when I barely hear a word from you."

She looked at me stunned. Her eyes were filled with a mixture of emotions, but she said nothing, like always. "Oh and the woman I treated like a mother, Laurie, Rebecca's mom is dead. Died in a car crash two days ago. Just wanted to let you know."

"Stella-"

"I'll be back by dinner, but I'm sure you won't mind what time I come home anyways," I took the car keys from the hook hanging by the closet and slammed the front door shut. I ran to our car and started it, driving away.

I imagined what it would feel like, to die in a car accident like Laurie, her pain must have disappeared in an instant. All of it is gone. I tried to clear my head so I could focus on the road and the oncoming traffic. My hands were shaky. I didn't know where to go. I shouldn't be driving anyways; I was angry, sad and all sorts of other emotions.

It wasn't safe.

I shouldn't be in the driver's seat. Perhaps she was in the same position I am in. Maybe she was angry, and couldn't think straight. Maybe she wasn't blaring her music or smiling. Maybe she was like I am right now: confused and only knew one thing for sure. She wanted to end the suffering.

So I stepped on the gas and closed my eyes.