Falling for a goodbye

Funeral

Chloe's POV

The funeral was set to be three weeks later, due to the cause of his injury and how highly decorated her was it was deemed he should have a military funeral, that was what caused the delay

Unfortunately a lot happened in those three weeks for me

I had to go to see the doctor, ally came with me, it's her brothers baby, I thought she might like to have something to do with it

She's been really supportive, I went straight out of the apartment because I just couldn't stand to be there, everything still smelt like him, everything reminded me of him and I couldn't be around that

The thing that was worst for me was that now I was showing

I don't want to go to his funeral when it was so obvious, everyone's going to know, I just wanted to blend into the shadows

I'm not at 15 weeks and it's hard, doing this on my own is awful, I want him to be able to be here for this, I want him to be here to help me through this, I mean don't get me wrong ally is taking great care of me but it's not the same

I've been crying a lot lately and sleeping s lot too, it just hurts too much

I've started feeling little flutters when the baby moves

He should be here for this

There are so many things he should be here for that he never will be

I've been staying with ally in Minnesota, I'm gonna find my own place out here soon, I've decided to stay out here, there's nothing left for me where I was, his family want to be as involved with the baby as I'll let them be and I'm happy to have all the help I can get

I woke up this morning having decided the night before I was ready but you know what? Fuck that, there's no way I'll ever be able to say goodbye to Ryan, I don't want to, I shouldn't have to, he was 23, that was the most unfair thing I could possibly imagine happening to me and a lot of shit has happened to me in my lifetime

I got up, did my daily round of sickness then cleaned myself up

I grabbed breakfast while ally was in the shower because I just couldn't see her until I had to, once I finished I hurried back to my room and stood before it, my dress, black and dull

I pulled on my dress, with some difficulty did it up and then stood in front of the mirror, it was a beautiful dress there was no debating that but it just felt so wrong and it made my bump too obvious

I decided that there was something that needed to go with it so I dug around my drawers until I found what I was looking for, the necklace and earrings Ryan gave me for my birthday

Once that was on I was ready

I left the room and found ally waiting for me

"You ready?" She asks me gently, I think they're all worried I'm just gonna snap and completely lose it because I haven't yet, not quite, but I don't have it in me right now, I don't feel anything, I'm just emotionless

"Yeah" I reply trying to sound like I am, I will honestly never be ready for this but whatever, I've just got to get through it

She and I headed out to where the car was waiting for us to take us to the church, where we sit through all the different speeches about him and then we'll go to the cemetery for all the military stuff and we can lay him to rest

Soon we arrive at the church and not long after the service begins, we go through all these beautiful speeches from his friends, family, ex navy buddies, the works, then it's supposed to be Alison's turn to speak