Falling for a goodbye

Tragic

Chloe's POV

I heard them pronounce him dead and that was it, I couldn't be in there anymore

I kissed him one final time, my own goodbye and then I ran out of the room, then the floor, I knew where I was running to, I knew what I needed, I got to the pharmacy, dried my eyes a little, tried to look presentable then went in and asked for what I needed

"Pregnancy test" I told the lady at the counter who looked at me with pity

She brought one back, I gave her the money for it and then hurried away with it to the toilets, I had to take it now, I had to know now

If it agreed with Ryan then I wouldn't need to take another but if not, I'd need at least 1 more to be sure

I went into the bathroom and found it empty, I went into the nearest cubicle and locked the door, i read the instructions as carefully as I could manage seeing as I was still shaking, my eyes were still watery meaning my vision was super blurry and my breathing was all over the place

I followed the instructions then set a timer on my phone

3 minutes and I'd have an answer

Time ticked by

2 minutes

A little more

1 minute

Then finally

The ding came, the one that would answer one of the worst questions I could've ever had to ask

Am I pregnant with my late fiancé' child?

I looked at it and began crying my eyes out again, I came out of the cubicle, threw the box in the bin angrily and then dropped to my knees, I fell back against the wall just behind me and pulled my knees tight to my chest

I'm crying so hard but then I hear someone running in so I hurriedly wipe my eyes until I see who it is and just give up again

"Chloe..." Alison starts but trails off, she kneels down beside me, looking at me worriedly, she deserves to know

I show her the test, the positive test

I'm pregnant, 12 weeks pregnant

That explains so much

Alison says nothing, she just slumps down beside me and I'm that moment we have an understanding, our pain and our grief have merged

"I'm so sorry" she whispers

I drop my head onto her shoulder and she drops her head onto mine and there we sit in silence

It just hasn't sunk in

He's gone

He's not coming back

I'm never going to be able to wake up beside him again

We're never going to be able to walk down the isle and get married

He's never going to get to see an ultrasound of his baby

He'll never get to go to a doctors appointment

There'll be no one there to help me through this pregnancy

No one for me to snuggle up to and remember why I want to have their child so badly

He'll never be there to see his child be born

He'll never be there to find out if he's got a son or daughter

He'll never do so many things with this baby

Or wth me

But he was right

This baby is part him and part me

This baby is the last living part of him and while this baby is alive he will never truly be gone

While I'm alive he'll never truly be gone, he'll always be with me

But why can't he be physically with me

Why can't my baby have a father?!

Ally takes my hand and then we just sit there in silence for a while, truly trying to feel and understand the profoundness off our loss

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Almost done, 2 final chapters tomorrow but until then just know I'm sorry 😂😭😂😭 xoxo