If I have to (bwwm)

43

Riding in the car I take a moment to collect my thoughts.
Looking out at the city I tried to make a home. Mountains stretch out in the distant. My emotions wishing they were that far away from my body.

James holds my hand. I give him a soft smile. Which he returns to me.
"Mind being a Dj?" He asked.

I grab my phone and agreed. Shuffling through my music. Looking for the perfect song. No one knows this, but I have a cheesy love song playlist for James. Filled with songs that remind me of him. Reasons by Khalid is my choice. The soft beat comes in and I smile.

James slightly nods his head as he decodes the lyrics. He smiles widely when it's done. So I play another and another. It's like the words say all the things that I can't. Angel by The Weeknd plays. Turning slightly I sing to him.

"Angel, oh-oh-oh-oh
Knew you were special from the moment I saw you
I said angel,
I feel you're closer every time I call you
I call you
Cause all I see are wings, I can see your wings
But I know what I am and the life I live, yeah, the life I live
And even though I sin, maybe we are born to live
But I know time will tell if we're meant for this
Yeah, if we're meant for this
And if we're not
I hope you find somebody
I hope you find somebody
I hope you find somebody
I hope you find somebody to love" my words come out like a plea. One that I pray he hears.

He then asked me to play a song.
My little solo wiped the smile off his face. I almost feel bad about it. James is like an Angel to me. His soul is gentle around me. Protecting me from the monster he is known to be.
I sometimes pity he ever fell for a woman like me.

I play his request. Finesse by Drake.
It's my first time hearing it. So I guess now it's time for me to decode.
The first line comes in. Taking some air out of my lungs.

"I want my baby to have your eyes
I'm going against my own advice."
I look at him immediately.
He returns a look. As if to say continue to listen.

"Can't be in a room with you and stand on different sides
One thing at a time
I have to learn to hide
One thing at a time
Emotions running high
I wish you felt alright
Just hitting my line
All the time, all the time, all the
You stay on my mind
All the time, all the time (yeah)
It takes some finesse
I seen you finesse

You and your sister
Too hot to handle
Things would get cancelled
I would make time for you
Commitment
Going the distance"

When the song is finished he tells me that we're here. He gets out to open my door. For the first time since I played that damn song. I breathe. The night hasn't even started yet.

Chloe texted me and said that they are inside already. So are Ali and Destiny.
I roll my eyes out of habit. The door open and James reaches for my hand. Walking into a bigger mansion than the last event.

Not to be dramatic but as soon as James and I enter. All eyes are on us. Every pair seems to stare at us. Some with admiration in their eyes. Other with jealousy and suspicion.

We walked around for a bit. Before stopping in what seems like the heart of the mansion.

James kicks the night off. A waiter offered us drinks. I declined he accepted. "Ladies and gentlemen I would love to start the night off with a toast."

I straighten my back as I prepare for what he is going to say.
His parents join the room. Along with Ali Destiny and Keith.

James notices them and clears his throat.
"Like I was saying. It always amazing
To see us come together as a company to be here. Some of you have been with us for a very long time. Some are new faces tonight. So if you see someone who you don't know. Walk up introduce yourself. Don't just fucking stare as if your Mother's haven't taught you better."

I watched the room go silent. But it's if they all silently agreed. James reached out for me. Who was a few feet away for his speech.

I take his hand as I join him center stage.
"This is Morgan. For those who attended my brothers birthday dinner. You may remember her as the woman that my mother disrespected. As her boyfriend, I would like to apologize on her behalf."

As someone who has had apologies from James, I'm not surprised by this. The people in this room however are. They gasped at the apology more than his cursing. His mother nods in agreement. As she gives me a small smile.

The best part of it all is that he never looked at them. He apologized to me. For me.

It's like he cleared out the room for just us. He kissed me on my forehead. Then lead me out of the room. He just drop a bomb in.

"I wanna show you something." He said

"Okay."

Leading up the stairs and down a very long hallway. He holds me closer. Making me thankful that no one can see us. Despite his very public announcement.

We stop at a door that he stands in front of. "Mory I wanna give you something."

I raise my brow in suspicion.
He smirks and unlocks the door.

My eyes light up at the sight. James stands off to the side taking in my reaction.
A smile plastered on our faces.

"Apparently some people just collect these for aesthetics." He said with sarcasm.
This has got to be the biggest home library I've ever seen.
Books stretched out onto every inch of the walls.

James walks over and grabs a book from the shelf. "Is this what you wanted to give me?" I try to hide my excitement but fail.

James hands me the book and then pulls it back. My face rises then falls.

"Kiss first?" He said smirking.
I kiss him without hesitation. Not just for the book but the apology too.

I let him catch his breath as I slip the book from his hands.

" A creole classic. The in's and out of learning Haitian Creole." I said.

He smiles at me blushing a little. Wow, I never saw him do that before.  I think my heart just skipped a beat.

"You learning creole?" I said unable to control my smile.

"Pa gen okenn mwen ap aprann ou."
"No, I'm learning you," James said proudly.

I'm not sure if James knows, but
I'm in love.
This just proves to my heart that it's not alone in the fight.

" Your gift is inside." He continued.

I look at him.

"James, I think I lo-

BANG! The sound of gunfire interrupts my confession.