If I have to (bwwm)

chapter 39

"Mmmh you smell so good," James said as his lips kissed my neck

I laughed at his honesty. I know Masia told me to stay away from him but I needed him here. He is the only person that I wanted near me.
Our energies collide in this oddly beautiful way. He makes me feel better about who I am and all the horrible things I've done. Despite him not knowing about all of those things.

It's been so long since I've loved someone. Since I've let somebody in but I know none of this matters to my sister.  What matters to her is that she gets her only piece of the family back. I'm beyond Stuck in between a rock and a hard place. I alone am at war with the loves of my life.

" So what you overthinking about mory"? James said.

"How do you know I'm overthinking ?" I responded.

"Your lips curl up and you narrow your eyes a bit." He said confidently.

"Oh really"

"Yeah but I know if you were really stressed out you wouldn't want me here," he said.

"You don't know that" I lied and said.

"Mory when you get stressed or frustrated you like to be alone."

I lye there in his arms quiet for a moment. Taking in all of his words.

"And when you can't get your mind off something that's where I come in." He joked

"Why must you be so cocky" I teased.

"You see cockiness I see honesty
I bet I'm the first person who got this close to you in a long time."

" Damn What is it honesty hour ?" I said trying to laugh the truth away. "Look it's just that
I'm picky about who allow in my life."

I get on top of him to get a better look at him. "Besides I can say the same thing about you, Mr. Gallo."

His hands rest on my ass.
"So you decided that I was a good choice? You know I'm not a nice man."

I looked him dead in the eyes and laughed.
He returned a puzzled look.
"James I knew from the moment I met you that you would never hurt me. You didn't scare me then and you can't scare me now."

"I don't scare you?" He said smirking

"I fear no man Mr.Gallo you couldn't scare me if you tried," I said returning a smirk

"You know what I love about you?" he asked

"what ?"

"You have the ability to be on the same level as someone. If someone is kind to you-you're sweetheart back. But if someone fucks with you; You give it right back to them. You stand up for yourself. I like how you don't live like you've been hurt before." James confessed. 

Scoffing humorously "You think so?" I asked 

 

I didn't expect that. I thought he would have said something more about my appearance. Or my cakes no pun intended. Just anything besides those words. Before I can find my own words to say he continues.

"I think that's why I so rude to you that night.
Your friends had told me about you before but I never got the chance to meet you.  So yeah that night when they said they would sleep here. I kind of made it a mission to come up and see you. You could have told me and Keith no don't come in or hell you could've called the cops on me. I don't know I guess what I'm trying to say is that I shouldn't have treated you like that.   I apologize again."

Hearing James feelings about me and that night touched me.  This what people don't understand about James.  He didn't scare me away because he is nothing to be afraid of. I've seen men become monsters in the rawest form. James will never scare me. I've defeated way too much for him to ever. Sometimes I wish he would've scared me off. It's easier to admit that than it is to express the same feelings back.  Maybe because I know now more than ever us being together is a struggle.
It feels like I'm losing everything for him. What hurts is that he shows his worth every time I question it.

"Mory I know I'm not some picture perfect nice guy.  Shit, I'm all the things that people warn their daughters about. I just know that I never felt this way about another woman. Beauty and the beast Morgan and her monster boyfriend."

"I like monsters they need to be loved in a way that most people will never understand.
Renmen ou pa ka fe'  pe' m' ase yo sispann." (Your love cannot scare me enough to stop)  I said in Creole.

A smile crept onto his face.
"It's crazy how I don't understand it, but feel everything that you just said."

My heart couldn't help but swell. He doesn't understand but he feels it.
" Se Paske lanmou se premye lang tout moun"
(that's because love is everyone's first language.)

"Man I gotta learn Creole."He said

"Why so we can talk about stuff without people knowing?" I said giggling remembering how me and sister learned the language.

"No so I can say I love you in another language
Plus I like that I will always be able to understand you." He said as he began to kiss me.

"Isn't it bad enough that you got the title of the only man in my bed," I said in fake annoyance.

"I want all the titles in your life." He said proudly
"Best friend kiss.Protector Kiss. Lover Kiss
Husband ."

I stop him before he can place his lips on me again. "You don't wanna marry me," I said very seriously.

"No, you don't want me to want to marry you. It's ok that's why they are my feelings. And I think you know you can't change them."

"James you're are talking about spending the rest of your life with me and expect me not to have speculations. That's forever." I said.

"Yeah I get where you're coming from it's a big topic but it' still doesn't change how I feel."
He laid back onto my bed and put his hand behind his head. He stared me in my eyes for a moment.

"Yes, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Wake up to you speak languages with you take you somewhere other than our apartments. Morgan, I want you and only you. So yeah even if you don't want what I want. It's important for you to know that I at least want it. I want us."

I watch James confess his love for me. My heart literally broke in two. I'm used to hearing about what people want. It just hardly ever includes me. I feel so small and big all at once. Blame it on the beautiful fool lying under me.

So I kiss James so passionately.  " I want you too " I whispered. For once I didn't have to lie to him. I wanted him more than I wanted anything or anyone else. That's the kind of truth that stings. Like top-shelf prize at the fair, all I want is him.

Without any hesitation, James flipped me onto the bed. Smiles crept onto our faces. Pushing away all our pain for now.

"I love you Morgan" he whispered.

"Show me" I challenged.