If I have to (bwwm)

42

" Don't stay in that cold ass water too long. We locked the door on our way out." My sister texted me.

Looking down at the screen. I smile at her knowledge of my ice baths. It's a bittersweet feeling.

" My water was a little hot." I texted back. I lied, but let's see if she believes me.

"Girl please I know you ran your bath with cold water only. Just like I know you would've got some ice from the kitchen  if we weren't there."

I'm slightly surprised that she suggested that. Only because I did get up to get some when they left.
I wanted to add some ice, but my reflection stopped me.

Looking at myself in the mirror I'm frozen.  I don't recognize myself.
Tips of long curls slightly damp from my bath. My milk chocolate skin seems different. Dull almost. I don't feel like my body is mine anymore. Like someone stole me from me.

I take out old pictures that I keep hidden in my closet. Robe around me sitting on the floor. My eyes watering at the only pictures from my youth.

Four of them. Almost all from that day, we moved into our new house. One of all of us. Standing proudly outside the castle of a home. 

A picture of Sia by her self in the garden. She looks so different. This is when Masia was unapologetically happy. She is so carefree in the photo. It all reminds me of a better time. Her soft features are now chiseled and sharp.

Daddy and mama's picture shuffle next in my hands. They look breathtaking. This has always been my favorite picture of them. Standing outside; the two of them hold each other.  They never looked at the camera. Just each other. As if the sparks in their eyes were camera flashes.

My hands shuffling to the next photo. I feel my heart cracking a little. It's a photo of me right before my fourteen birthday. That year had my most traumatizing yet.
It was a miracle that I was back home.

There I am sitting in the garden. A blanket on the grass in a yellow sundress. Under my favorite Magnolia tree. 

Mama was so excited. My hair had grown out enough for her to make finger waves. She moved all around the garden to get the perfect angle. 

"Mama can you just take the picture?"  I was a little agitated at her attempts.

"Ok pumpkin just give me some time. I need this to be perfect."

And as soon she said those words. A butterfly flew right onto my nose. For the first time in months, I smiled. The gentle creature felt like a friend who I needed to see.

My mama happen to get the moment. Smiling face a bright summer day. She snapped the perfect picture.  I mentally snapped a photo of her glowing face. Proud of the picture and proud of the moment.

I can't help but cry as I look at my photo now. At the time my confidence was so low. I was oblivious to why she tried so hard that day.  I had lost my picture from our first day in the garden. A matching one like Sia to complete the set.

When I was a kid I was obsessed with my picture. It was my favorite of mine and I wanted to carry it everywhere.  Mama, however, did not want me to. One day I decided I couldn't live without my picture another minute more.

So I snuck into my mama's closet to find my picture. I found my favorite photo. But a Monster found something even better. Something more valuable than what he originally came to steal.

My mama lost her only biological daughter that day. The only child she could ever physically bring into this world. A perfect combination of herself and the man she loves. Had been stolen from her in broad daylight.  Gone for nearly a year, that felt more like eternities.

"All for a photo that I don't have now," I whispered to myself.

Looking at all my pictures. Remembering how daddy gave me their picture. Since I left mine back in that hell hole.
They wanted me to have a new favorite photo. One that I now see completes the set. 

Drying my eyes I bow my head and say a prayer. For my pain and my past. My future and my family.  And to the girl that I used to be.

Getting up I take my photos with me. Now I can get ready.

I walked back into my bathroom. Grabbing a pair of scissors and began chopping. Curls falling one by one. With each snip, I feel freer.

Looking into the mirror. Smiling back at myself. Wow! Although I was just crying. My face has been replaced with life. Now I feel like Morgan.

Checking the time grabbing my things together. I styled my Hair. Follow by a little makeup. 

Looking at the dress and something feels off. I nearly don't want to wear it.
So I don't.
It's a feeling that I can't explain nor fight My hands lead me in another way.

Instead, I slip into my own dress.  A long red silk gown.  Looking at myself in the mirror. I prefer this over the white one.
Standing in the mirror. I admire my curves and how well this dress compliments them.

" I'm coming up."  Reading the text James just sent.

Grabbing my things. I responded. " I'm already down." 

Closing my apartment door. Heading to the lobby.  I stop and slip something under door three fifty-nine. Walking into the elevator. Never looking back.

James is already in the lobby waiting.
Doors open and there he is. My mind saving every image from his reaction.
He is literally speechless.  His eyes scan every inch of me. Head to toe and then back again. I walk up to him slowly. Words nowhere to be found on his lips.

"Well looks like I have your tongue and your attention," I said biting my lip a little. 

A smile warms onto our faces. The man hasn't said a word. I lean in to whisper in his ear.

"The way you're eye-fucking me right now. It is the very reason why I didn't let you meet me upstairs."

He smirked and put his hands my ass. Looking me in my eyes he said. "So damn it's almost like you knew. Mory If  we were upstairs we would be parents by the morning."

He squeezed my ass. Making me gasp a little. I indulge in PDA and kiss him.  I'm sure on the outside to others we look like Horny adults.
But in my head At your best by Aaliyah is playing.  Kissing him I know that tonight will be harder than I thought.

"We can't do that around people tonight,"  I said Snapping into reality.

"Morgan you're mine. And I will let the world know it." He kissed me again. Lips translating everything he just said. James and l left the lobby.  Opening my door allowing me in his Maybach.

"I know I'm a little late but you look Breathtaking. I love you." He kisses me again and closes the door. 

I got a feeling his breathing might be the steadiest part of the evening.