If I have to (bwwm)

41

"Girl, what's wrong with you? Come back down
I'm too much in my head, did you notice?
Girl, what's wrong with you? Come back down
My body's here on Earth, but I'm floating
Girl, what's wrong with you? Come back down
Disconnected, so sometimes, I feel frozen and alone"

I sang along as I clean my kitchen countertop. My entire apartment is clean. Top to bottom.
When I got home from shopping with James. The only thing that could combat my anxiety was cleaning.

Thinking of tonight is too nerve-racking. All I want to do is crawl in bed and hide from the world. Not even James would be allowed in.
To put it simply. I just want to be alone with my thoughts.

A nap was in my plans before my sister interrupted me. Chloe and Masia face time me to let me know they're on their way.

I've been low key for avoiding my sister. Not intentionally. It's just hard to enjoy her being here. Especially under the circumstances. Especially like this.

I feel bad for still seeing James after she told me not to. That's literally my one rule of orders. And yet I break it every chance I get.

I'm so torn about what's right and what feels right. Sometimes I wish I could just run away from all my feelings. Running away from my problems clearly doesn't work.

Maybe what I really wish is that I had a little more time to keep things so perfect.
As if living a lie wasn't killing me slowly. It feels like My biggest fears are slowly unraveling. And yet I still don't know if I'm falling back together or falling apart.

Twenty minutes go by. Still no Masia & Chloe here. So I take my chance for a nap and curl up on the couch.
A perfect place to rest my eyes.

It isn't long until I'm sleeping. Follow by a dream. That then turns into an awful nightmare.

It's worse than anyone I've EVER had. Violence pouring out before me. Aggressive rage being in the mix. My heart hurts.

Chloe and Masia rushed to me as they tried to wake me up.

Hysterically crying and constantly
Shaking. All while replaying it over and over in my head.

"Morgan you're Okay. It's okay I'm here" Masia said as she held me With her warm embrace.

Speaking too fast. I made the mistake of calling her the wrong person. For the second time this month might I add.

" James?"

Her eyes responded with disappointment.
Immediately aware of what I said. I get up ready to defend myself. Chloe takes for cover in the kitchen.

" You been seeing him still?" She asked in a hurt tone.

"Sia it's not what you think." I began.

" No Morgan you know what I told you. You know what's going to happen and yet you still entertain him."

I watched her as her rant increased.

" James Gallo is not the one for you. He is a manipulator. The apples do NOT fall too far from that tree.
Baby girl you are not stupid. I don't wanna have to be a guard when it comes to your heart but I will if need be ."

"Then don't be! I have been through hell and back alone. And now I see that it's neither your fault or mine." I said as I tell her everything on my mind.

"I just don't wanna see you get hurt." Her voice said cracking a little.

Tears spilled from my eyes. " Masia I've been hurt before. I know you carry guilt for what happened to me."

I watched the tears pool into her eyes.
We hold so much pain between us. It feels like it runs in our blood. That very pain boils down into strength. And now we're left with only each other.

"You can't go back Sia. It's done And it has made me into someone who I hide. But I can't let that fear stop me anymore. You being here is perfect timing. Because I won't go on living a lie. But tonight won't work if you're trying to be my mama instead of my sister."

Masia pondered her thoughts for a moment. " I'm sorry." Looking me in my eyes she continued. "You are my little sister and I love you. You're right I can't go back to the past. I can't undo the pain and sacrifices you've made. I'm proud of who you have become. My guilty heart hurts for everything that I put you through. Knowingly and unknowingly. Since that night I vowed to always protect you. It feels like I've been failing you ever since."
She confessed.

"You know what? You could've have done something Sia." I said crying a little more.

" I know it's just that I didn't know what to do. We were young. We had nothing and no one. God, what could I have done differently?" She pleaded

"You could've tried your very best! Every day you could have looked for me. Pick up the remainder of our lives. Remold it into something new and Stronger than before. You could've watched me from afar when you found out I was okay. You could have ensured I stay well off by leaving that trust fund. You could have mistakenly fallen for my only real friend in an effort to protect me. Masia you could have forbidden me from ever loving James.

I'm thankful for everything that wants to be the reason for how you're here. You stand In front of me feeling like you didn't do enough.

But you're here! You literally arose from the ashes of all our struggles. You did everything right. It took some time but you're here."

She pulled me in for a hug. A hug We waited years for. Peace wrapping around me. I can't remember the last time my family held me. My sister and I stay there for a moment.  And although our parents are gone. We feel the love in the places where they're bodies would stand.

"I'm glad I kept my promise to mama."
I said as I poured three glasses of white wine.  Standing outside on my balcony. My sister Chloe and I look out at the sunset.

"Did you think about keeping daddy's promise?" Masia asked slightly raising her brow.

"I never break a promise. Especially when it comes to my family."  Smiling slyly.

" A cheers! To family To love and to karma may she come when she's ready. Sneaky and slow.
May she be as mesmerizing as the fire.
Burning up everything that gets too fucking close. Repayment of the pain too irreversible. Here's to the blood that has spilled onto our ceilings. To the people in us that we can never get back. The best wishes to y'all motherfuckers who gonna wish y'all left us alone."

I finished my glass and pour another.  Walking to my bathroom to get ready. I run a bath and light some candles.  Stepping into the tub I let icy cold water cool me down.

As if it can somehow extinguish the rage blazing inside of me.