If I have to (bwwm)

chapter 37

Faster Morgan let's go only two more block's I  tell myself.  Sweat is drenching me as I increase my speed.      
Instead of my usual Sunday routine which includes brunch with my friends.  I decided to go for a run something I haven't done in a while. 

  Running used to be one of those things that made me feel in control.  Running gives clarity.   For the first time in months, I take a moment to review my life. 

Everything rushes onto me in the series of waves. Meeting James the way I did, and us falling for each other.   The constant up and down with my friends. Them currently hating My guts.   My night terrors being more aggressive. And let's not forget the letters that ignite my anxiety. 

These last eight months have been nothing but beautiful chaos. Like watching your favorite things burn but being too memorized by
the fire to save them. 

Before I know it my two blocks have turned into four." I should've stopped running" I  muttered.

  It's like those words hit me in the chest. Like someone turned on my reality switch. The truth in these words hurt.  "I should've stopped running! I should've stopped running  I should've stopped Fucking  running!"I screamed.

My chest heaved as I  ranted there on the sidewalk. A frustrated sweaty mess. Giving into my body's tantrum  I crash on the sidewalk.  Clutching my knees whispering "God why didn't you stop me from running. "

At this moment I want nothing more than James to pop out of nowhere and save me. He'd have some excuse like he went to my place to surprise me but I wasn't there. So that's when he drove around until he found me here.

Although I look a mess he'd compliment me. I'd somehow feel better. He'd carry to the car and never ask me what happened.  By now he knows its one of two options.

Something relating to my past. Or me just cracking under pressure from my life.  Either way, he wouldn't ask because he knows I wouldn't tell him.  It didn't take James long to learn that's it's better to be there with me than to hammer me with questions.

My tears fall harder as I soften my sobs. Finding the strength to get up seems impossible.  Face the facts Morgan, James isn't coming.  Your friends are no longer concerned.  The last person who genuinely cared for you is probably dead. 

"Morgan? Morgan is that you? Come on honey  get up."  A voice said to me.

Slowly I look for the voice. "C' mon Morgan let's get you home. "  It's a woman's voice. Warm and familiar yet I don't know who it is.

Teary vision led me to mistake the person for my mother.  So stupidly I call out for her. "Mama?" I forced my already hoarse throat to ask.

"No sweetie it's me, Masia.
C'mon on baby let's get you out of the road " she said. Her words filled with disappointment and fear.

I black out as someone moves my body. Too drained to open my eyes let alone walk. But I do hear everything around me.  My mind can't seem to focus. I think about seeing Ali and Destiny at the event.  Lord knows I don't want to see  James's mom again.  I'm so distracted by the thought of going to the banquet. I almost forgot that the woman driving said her name is Masia.

James pov

"Hey, sleepy ass I know that you are there in bed sleeping. And if I didn't have to take care of business I'd be there with you. I've been thinking that once this event is done we should plan a trip. I'll be there at 6 to" VOICEMAIL COMPLETE.

Well shit. I'll tell her later. Normally I wouldn't leave a voicemail.  I already know when she hears it she's going to call me. Probably protesting against the trip because of the short notice.

Which is pointless because I already know that she's going to go. The sad part is that I've planned it for weeks. But telling her then would have meant hearing about how we shouldn't go.

"What's an up little  brother?" Keith greets me.

"Hey, good morning assholes what's on the agenda for today?"  I  replied.  Eli flipped me the middle finger in response.

"Okay here's what going on the company meeting has been pushed back. " Keith said.

"How far, " I asked.

"Just until the weekend. Due to last minute shipments being made for the branches. "

"So now it's on Friday," Eli said.

"Exactly which means the dinner will be on Saturday.  So be sure to tell your plus ones."

"Yeah James you can tell Morgan I'll pick her up at five," Eli said.

I laugh at his joke because that's just what he is. Like he could ever get a woman like mory. Please, how can you pick her up? You can't even talk to without stuttering. "

Me and Keith laugh as Eli explains himself.  "That's was one-time shit she so damn fine that it caught me off guard. "

"Yeah whatever you say, Eli," said Keith.

"Hey um is Ali going? I asked my brother.

"Yeah, she doesn't want to because of mom. But her dad is in town and will be there."

"Right you know if Destiny coming?"

"Probably she did get an invite. You know Mom loves her. "

"Don't we know it. Your mom spent a year on trying to get one of you to be with her."  Eli said.  "Nobody's trying cuff that hoe."

"It's not that because let's face it we all love a freak hoe every now AND then.  The thing with Destiny is She so clingy.  The pussy ain't worth the stalking that's going to happen afterward."

I tune Keith and Eli conversation out as I think about Morgan.  She told me about the blowup with her friends.
I personally think that she shouldn't be friends with them. Chloe seems like the only friend that showed loyalty.    

Her toxic friends and the demanding job has her stressed out. A vacation is just what she needs. I  can't wait until she finds out where we are going.