Anything For Rachel

Calvin.

           

What have I done now?

I looked up, the events of the last three minutes and twenty eight seconds a total blur of black rage, and stared over at Octavia huddled on the floor before me holding tightly to Rachel at her side. Rachel was crying. Crying hard, and looking at me with her big wounded crystal blue eyes. There was something in them that I'd never seen before. She looked...frightened. Frighten of what? Me? What have I done?

I smell the strange scented blood in the room, and looking down I can see the wounds on my hands healing, and the memories come slowly flooding back into my fragile mind.

I've failed.

Lexton has been turned. She was jumped in a corridor. Here. Where I am supposed to be able to protect my people, but I failed at that too. Octavia said she was badly beaten first, and taken advantage of, before she was bitten. Her guards were ambushed like Cromley was, and then released afterwards. They went on to find Lexton in her coma state. Within a few hours she was awake and called for Octavia. The only thing I can even take relief in is that Lexton didn't tell any of her guards or anyone else what the rebels said, or why she was attacked in the first place. For now this is just a high scale crime, not treason. I need to be sure that I talk to her. She must be so frightened. The pain from turning is one of the most powerful memories I have. The flames of the change rip through your entire body before they pull you under and you sink into the abyss of darkness. Nothing but you and your thoughts. I remember fearing that something had gone wrong and that I had died, cursed to live in an eternal consciousness in nothingness.

I hate myself for all of this. If it weren't for me, Lexton wouldn't have ever been here, and she never could have been hurt by me, or these fiends.  Every bad thing that has ever happened to her has been entirely my own fault. I should have sent her away too. I should have never agreed to this competition. How many people have to suffer for my selfish needs of this human girl I love so much?

Rachel's face comes back into view, my thoughts running back into the back of my mind for now. I want to reach for her, pull her over to me. Why are we all on the floor? Why is she so upset? She couldn't possibly be this torn apart because of what happened to Lexton, and why is Octavia staring at me like that too? Like I'm a stranger she's never seen before.

The door opens and I hear the boy and Patrick enter, sharp gasps coming from their mouths, and the heart in the boy's chest hammers angrily against his ribcage. He's yelling at me. I can't remember what happened. Why can't I? I remember Octavia telling me about Lexton. I remember hitting the wall. After that though...it's a blurry mess.

Suddenly I feel like a white hot acid is lurching up my esophagus as the images break through. I yelled at her. I screamed. I threatened her. I watched her fall beneath me and I did nothing to stop it. I was the monster that lives within me. I let her see it. I showed it to her, and I let him scare her.

Looking at her now I can't fathom what she must be thinking. Even on her first night in this horrid place, filled to the brim with dangers, I never saw fear in her eyes. She showed strength, even in the face of death, but now...Now she looks more petrified than I ever imagined she could be of anything, especially me. The look in her eyes when she used to look at me was one of the things that gave me strength to do anything. She looked at me like I was someone, not just the monster I'd always believed myself to be. I could look at her looking at me, and believe that it was true. If this perfect creature can see something in me, then maybe there is hope for me after all. Now I see her looking at the monster.

Everyone was looking at me, but I couldn't look at them. I couldn't watch the way the boy ran to her rescue...her rescue from the monster before her. The monster that is me.