New School...New Crush?

What is wrong with me?

   So I had a thanksgiving play on Tuesday and Raymond came! He couldn't stay long after it was over but he came! Then after the play we had an alter call and he went up there with me to pray for this lady. I was like wow! He prays and he goes to church!? But then was like.... Wait a second. What if he is just messing with me? It was nice seeing him again. I have found that when I see him, or text him, I am instantly smiling and in a good mood....

     So, today is Sunday. It's been 5 days since I have gotten to see Raymond. We kept trying to meet up but, every time one of us wouldn't be able to make it. But we talk. He sends me good morning text, and tells me good night. He asks through out the day what I'm doing and at the end of the day, or if he can sense I'm irritated, he will ask how my day is going. He seems actually interested to hear about it as well and will give me feedback. Also every morning he ask if I had any dreams and we would talk about them or his.... It's pretty nice. I feel very close to him. Like I can trust him.

   We were talking last night and we somehow got to the topic of secrets. I felt like I could trust him so I told him my darkest secret. And then he told me his. It was like we are growing closer but not at the same time. I don't know what I'm trying to say. He is pretty cool and I feel that I can trust him with almost anything. Thought I feel as if something is wrong.

      Today is Monday. I have been feeling weird this weekend. I have found myself wanting to see Raymond. Like my stomach gets butterflies when I think about him. I have had to catch myself because I can't stop thinking about him. His smile, his pretty blue eyes, his accent. It's like he is in my mind and everywhere I look I hope he is there. It's like I long for him. How he talks I want to hear it more, his time I want to be with him, his touch I wanna hug him and never let go, his eyes I want to lose myself in them. What am I saying!? I mean it's crazy! Right?.. When I was laying down last night, I couldn't stop thinking about him. I couldn't sleep.

   He texted me when I got to school and we met up. When I looked up and saw him in the hall... my stomach dropped and my heart skipped a beat. I had to fight the urge to go running up to him and hold on. I successfully held back, but I'm not sure how much longer I can. As we talked I found myself losing thought in his soft blue eyes. I couldn't take myself away...

    After school he couldn't hang out until my bus came because he had to go to work so I walked with him to the end of school, where he has to turn to, and we talked. I again lost myself but was able to look away. When his buddy came to pick him up... Something strange happened. He turned to me like he was expecting something. His blue eyes were searching mine. He opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out. He stepped closer to hug me (we have been doing a side hug when we depart from talking lately) but then decided not too. I looked at him confused and he turned to look at me. I could see sadness in his eyes. Like he didn't want to but had to... it was strange.

  

    When my bus arrived I sat next to this girl. We talked and I found out that Raymond slept with a girl in October and then dumped her. It made me feel hurt. All these questions started filling up my mind.
Is he trying to lead me on?
Is he not the guy i thought he was?
Is he just trying to sleep with me?
Is he 2 faced when not around me?
Is he planning on breaking my heart?
Is he really really a bad person?

Doubt filled my mind and I couldn't bare it no longer. So, I texted my friend Robert from Skiatook. I asked him all those questions about Raymond and he reassured me that he isn't like that. At least not any more. In middle school he was but he knows what he wants in a girl and so he doesn't want to do that. That gave me some peace but I still feel hurt. I'm not sure what this feeling is actually. It's like pained but like I want to ask him something. Like.... I don't know. I just feel lost. I need.... something.

(Hey guys sorry for it being so long! Also sorry for such a slow update! And please can I have some advice. I don't know what to do.)