Goodbye Carter

p r o l o g u e

"Happy ending? There are no happy endings. Endings are just the saddest part. So just give me a happy middle. And a very happy start."

Unknown

May 28th, 2018

"WE NEED TO TALK." Those words. Those words that come quietly from his lips and into the world for me to hear. I had longed never to hear those words.

Those words scare me.

"What are you, pregnant?"

I attempt a joke. I'm good at lightening the mood. I was born naturally sarcastic, so why not use this self proclaimed 'talent' in every situation the world brings?

"I'm serious, Kennedy," he answers.

Those words scare me even more.

He didn't call me Tootsie, K, or Kends. He didn't retort back something so perfectly cheeky or flirtatious. Carter really wasn't joking this time.

"You knew this was coming." He says with a sigh.

I grab onto the cold, blue lockers that sat beside me, as I pleaded for my heart to stop beating so fucking fast.

"Kennedy-"

There it is again. My name.

"This in no way-"

"Carter, please... don't do this." I practically whimper, ignoring how vulnerable I sounded, "Carter, plea-"

"Don't-" his voice cracks as he grimaces and refuses to meet my eyes, "don't try and talk me out of this we said that we'd always support each other, and that after graduation we would... " he sighs and looks away, unable to finish his sentence.

I furrow my eyebrows, as I anxiously play with my fingers. I was never one for confrontation, "I know what we said Carter, I do. But I didn't think we'd do it like this, in an empty hallway right after graduation," I feel my anger grow.

Carter meets my eyes and gently grabs my hands, "I don't think I could bring myself to do it any other day."

I swallow down the lump in my throat, feeling sympathy even though I didn't want to understand, "I do support you, Carter, I do. But I can't- I can't just let you leave, I can't just let this be another random relationship that we won't remember- I want to remember you, Carter."

"Kennedy..." he sighs.

"Don't do this." I whisper, "not now- we have the whole summer."

He doesn't answer. He instead turns to meet my eyes,  practically pleading with those beautiful blue irises of his. I had always been a sucker for blue eyes, especially his.

"I was invited for an internship at the New York Times this summer. They said it would count toward my college credits and jump start my career... you have to understand, I want to spend the whole summer with you, I do. But-"

I interrupt him because I know what's coming, "but your career is more important."

"It's not that."

"Carter, it's okay, I understand but... I don't know I guess I just thought that at the end of the summer we'd decide what we wanted to do. And I had my mind set on long distance," I choke down a sob as I try to compose myself.

"There are so many things breaking us apart right now, Kennedy, you know that," Carter says as he runs his fingers through his hair messily.

"Maybe that just means we need to try harder-" I start.

"What if I don't want to try harder anymore," Carter interrupts, giving me a look of utter vulnerability and sadness.

I blink, my lips part, my breathing stops. I finally knew what a broken heart felt like, I finally understood what it felt like to feel completely broken and lost.

"You told me that you'd always be there for me... that you'd wait for me, however long it took," I whisper with a slight sob- covering my mouth and glancing behind me frantically, checking to make sure no one was witnessing our ordeal.

"Kennedy," his voice is soft and careful. His fingers reach for the corners of his eyes, brushing the tears away. I realize that I've never seen him cry before. He looks more handsome than I thought possible, even when he can't meet my eyes, " we need to experience life without each other."

"No... no, we love each other and that's all that matters, isn't it?"

Carter sighs, "I love you Kennedy, so so much. But we're in college next year, on different sides of the country, " he adds, "the fact is that we're going to break up eventually... and I think that this is the easiest way."

He was right, this was the easiest way.

Silence envelops us. I hated silence with him. Carter and I were always talking. From the beginning we could discuss everything and anything. I was so unfamiliar of silence with him.

"Do you love me?" I finally say, longing to hear him say it one last time.

He steps towards me, "of course I do, I love you more than anything else in the world."

Then why won't you fight for me?

A tear makes its way down my cheek. He softly brushes it away with the pads of his thumb. I automatically lean into his touch.

"You were my first love... no one can ever replace you." His eyes are sad and his expression is unfamiliar.

"Carter," I plead, "I love you."

"You'll be okay, you don't need me. I promise." He says.

"You will too," I answer.

He engulfs me in a hug.

It was warm and comforting. I could smell his familiar scent of sandlewood and pine. I took a deep breath as I prepared myself for the uncontrollable wet tears to start streaming down my cheeks.

He pulled away. He still held my shaking fingers, stroking my palms the way he knew I loved. Then he kissed me. The last kiss I guessed he would ever give me, even though I was covered in wet tears and he seemed to be crying too, it was the most passionate, heartwarming kiss that we had ever shared.

"I love you." he murmured, "and I'm going to miss you so damn much."

All I can muster is, "I love you too."

He strokes my hair, "we had a good run, and I'll always love you. And you know what? We'll always remember each other, even though we didn't end up together forever. Because every love story has to have an ending, and sometimes it can't be happily ever after, but that doesn't mean that the story along the way wasn't." He pushes a stray piece of hair behind my ear, kisses the tears away from my cheeks, and backs away. Almost as if he couldn't long to be close to me anymore.

"I will always love you Kennedy Summers," he says as he slowly turns, the look of pain on his face hurting me more than anything ever had before.

"Goodbye, Carter," I whisper.

That was the last time I saw Carter Thompson.