Taylor [Theo // Lost & Found Music Studios] ✓

Chapter 12: Brown

We both stared at each other in shock and surprise. I wasn't sure how I felt - it was no secret I liked Taylor. Even she knew this. So obviously, kissing her was supposed to be a good thing for me. It was supposed to make me happy, like it did the first time we kissed.

But it wasn't making me feel good. It was just confusing me. Did she like me, or didn't she?

I had no idea what inspired Taylor to kiss me. I had no idea what she was thinking, how she was feeling about it. I just didn't know anything.

I didn't have time to ask, though, because pushed past me and ran right out of the recording studio before I could say anything.

I ran out after her, calling her name, but she had disappeared by the time I got to Java Junction.

I found Luke sitting at a table by himself, smiling as he typed away at his phone. It was probably Leia.

I took a seat across from him. "Luke, I need your help," I said. 

Luke jumped in his seat, looking up at Theo with wide eyes. "Theo! Don't do that to me!" he exclaimed, dramatically.

I was in no mood for laughing. I was worried, scared. I just needed to find Taylor.

Luke must have understood the expression on my face because he placed his phone down, giving me his full attention, and asked, "What's wrong?"

I sighed and explained to him everything that happened. How we went bowling and things were great, and then they weren't. I told Luke every detail of my past week, including the kiss, and as I told him all these things I realised something that I was too scared to admit because I didn't want it to be true;

I wasn't in the wrong. Taylor had led me on, and then she left me. Again.

Luke sighed once I had finished and grabbed my hand. I knew whatever he said next was going to be hard for me to hear.

"Theo, look," he said, slowly and cautiously, as if he didn't know how to say it. "People like Taylor . . . They're unpredictable. They're inconsistent and they're destructive without meaning to be. It's just the way their minds are working at the time. All they want is to be okay, but . . . But she doesn't know how."

It took me a while to think over Luke's words. To realise what they meant, what he was hinting at.

"Taylor," I said, letting out a heavy breath. I wasn't sure whether I was going to cry or not. "She has . . . She's not okay. She's depressed."

I looked up at Luke who was nodding. He squeezed my hand. "I saw the same signs that I did in John's mother, in Taylor."

I was so mad. So mad. At Luke, especially. Why didn't he tell me? He obviously knew from the beginning that Taylor was not okay. Why didn't he just tell me? And I was mad at Taylor, too. Why would she be so sad when she was so perfect? She was beautiful, she was the most amazing person I had ever met in my whole entire life. And this was how she was feeling. 

I knew she got sad sometimes, but I never realised it was this. Constant. 

I had to leave. I got up and ran out of Java Junction.

+++

I ran to the only place I could think of. The recording studio.

Taylor and I had adopted this place as our own during this songwriting month. It was where we had shared many moments, bonded over our music - it was where we wrote our first ever song.

This place had easily become my sanctuary, because every time I was in here, I was with her.

But as I stood alone in the studio, there was only one thing I could think of; what had she been hiding from me this whole time?

I stared at the brown notebook that was still hanging out of her bag. I know you should never go through anyone's stuff, especially private journals or song books. But I just had to know. I needed to.

I picked up the book. It was heavier than I expected, but I think that could have just been the feeling of dread coming over me. I knew what I was about to do was wrong. I knew I wasn't going to like what I saw. But I needed to know. I needed confirmation.

Because I was in love with Taylor. And I wanted to help her. But I couldn't, if I didn't know.

I flipped the book open and read the first page. It was dated back to last year, before she even auditioned for Lost & Found. 

There's more pain than blood
Pumping through my heart.
I should turn the TV off
But then that would bring you up.

I wasn't sure whether this was about a boy, or Taylor's mother.

I'd rather slit my skin
Than remember you
I'd rather slit my skin
Than remember you.

The song continued on like that and then, at the very bottom of the page, it had For Dad; the words I'll never get to say to you.

I had never asked about her dad before. I figured family was a touchy subject and I couldn't ask about it, only listen when Taylor was willing to give me something. I had no idea this was how she felt about her dad.

I continued flipping through the book and I slowly began to tear up. With every song, came more tears building up until I couldn't handle it anymore. I shut the book, placing it back in Taylor's bag and dropped to the floor.

Every song was about hurting herself or wanting to die. And it hurt so much to think about a world where Taylor was gone, or a world where she wanted to be gone.

She didn't deserve this. Nobody deserved this.

"Theo?" I heard Eva call out, sounding desperate as she ran into the recording studio. I was still crying and I didn't want her to see me, so I tried to keep quiet. 

Eva turned on the lights and I knew I had been spotted.

"Theo, what's wrong?" Eva asked, her voice taking a turn. She had gone soft and worried. 

I looked up slowly, watching as Eva's worried face turned to larger concern once she saw me crying.

I sniffled. "Nothing," I lied. "What's up?"

Eva took a seat across from me, reaching out her hand to touch mine lightly, comforting me. "Theo, seriously, are you okay?" she asked.

I wiped my eyes and nodded, slowly pulling myself together. "Yeah," I said. "I'm fine now. Just needed time to cry." I began laughing, but I don't know why. "So, what's wrong? Why'd you need me?"

"Oh," Eva said, biting her lip. "It's Taylor. She's crying in the girl's bathroom and she won't come out."

A/N: Theo is being dramatic about Taylor's depression because he lived in a perfect world up until that moment.

Lmao I wrote Taylor's song in like ten seconds so I'm sorry. 

Question of the Chapter: what is your fave song atm? mine is probs Alright, Alright by Havelin (aka Alex Zaichkowski aka John lolll). That whole Alright, Alright, Okay. ep is fire tho you should all check it out.

Next chapter will be uploaded on Tuesday!

Ily,

-C xx