This Is Forever

Chapter 40

I wake up the next day to Chris' spot in the bed empty, then I realize he's at the studio again and sigh. Last night was fun, but it was one of the only nights I've had him in weeks.

I roll over and pull the covers over me and try to fall asleep, but a pang of anxiety hits my heart, hard. I clutch the blanket as I feel my heartbeat in my throat.

Not now. Don't do this to me when he's not here.

I try to focus on my breathing, but it's so rapid and it's unbearably hard to focus on anything that I rip the covers off of me and slide out of bed. I pace back and forth for a bit.

He's never here because he's sick of you. You finally annoyed him. You're not good enough for him, he wants something else now.

Have you put on weight? Is that why? Have you gotten uglier? You can't give him kids, that's probably why, and you're too scared to, he doesn't want someone like that.

I run my hands through my hair and lose my balance, sliding down against the wall and sobbing in to my hands. I know those thoughts aren't true, but they haunt me.

I have a hard time getting up, so I just curl into a ball on the floor.

You're so pathetic, you can't even handle your own anxiety.

After about an hour I finally calm down enough to stand up. My hands shake as I look for my phone, but I hear the garage door open. I fall on my knees again and hold my head in my hands. I sob uncontrollably for zero reason at all.

I hear the door open and close and Chris come up the stairs slowly, probably thinking I'm still asleep. I hear his footsteps stop halfway up, "Nicole?"

I can't even respond, my heart feels like it'll burst if I say a word, I just continue to cry. I hear his footsteps come faster up the stairs.

He runs in to the room and scoops me up. I wrap my arms around him and he shushes me, "Nicole, what happened? Are you hurt?"

I shake my head and bury my head in the crook of his neck. He sits on the bed and holds me. He rubs my back and shushes me, reassuring me that everything's okay until I finally calm down.

He lifts my face up and looks at me, wiping the tears off my face.

"What happened, my love?" He asks.

I shake my head, "Anxiety attack."

"What? Why? What happened?"

"I don't know, you weren't here and all these thoughts started racing through my head-"

"Baby, I just went to the studio."

"I know, but you're there so much it makes me feel like you don't want to be here with me-"

"Nicole, I love you with all of my heart, after God it's you. You're my priority, I'd never leave you, but I have to do my job."

"I just miss you, I felt like there was something wrong with me."

He strokes my cheek, "There's nothing wrong with you. You're perfect," he kisses my forehead, "Now, I have to go back to the studio, I forgot my laptop charger and had to come grab it, but I love you, okay?"

"Stay, please don't go again."

"Nikki, I have to."

"What if I get another anxiety attack?"

"Call me, I'll come right back home."

"I don't want to be alone again."

"You're not alone, you have Rocky."

"I miss my husband, Christian. I want my best friend back. I need you."

"Nicole, I really have to go and work, how else are we going to get money?"

"I know, I know you need to go back but can't you stay for a little bit?"

He shakes his head, "I had to be back about five minutes ago. You'll be fine."

"You're never home though!"

"Well, I'm sorry I actually work to keep you happy and spoil you and take care of you because I love you. Don't be so difficult."

He grabs his charger and leaves again. Difficult? Me having anxiety is difficult? Shouldn't have married me then.

I throw on a sweatshirt and do my morning routine, then pack some stuff like my toothbrush, toothpaste, some extra clothes, and blanket.

I call Kirsten, and he answers, "Hey girl, what's up?"

"I'm coming to stay with you for a while."

"Oh, okay. I got you, I'll get my guest room ready."

She hangs up and I grab Rocky and her things and put all my stuff in my car.

If I'm too difficult I might as well leave, right?