A Step in the Other Direction

~~Chapter 9~~

--Bowen's Point of View--

"Then I'll tell you," I said, instantly regretting the words. What the crap was I doing? I couldn't even explain to my sister what was going on. I couldn't even explain to myself...

I saw Cassidy's eyes widen at my words. She didn't expect me to say that. I didn't expect myself to say that. My head was spinning. What was I going to say? How was I going to play this down? I couldn't. I knew that. I knew Saige had explained what she knew to Cassidy. To be honest she didn't know much, just the little but I had told her and snippets of what she heard the doctor say.

"You don't have to Bowen," Cassidy said. I saw the nervousness in her eyes. It's surprising how clear they were in my dark room. Only a small lamp was on on the other side of the room. They shone with something I had never really noticed. They were nervous , but at the same time compassionate and caring. There was something that felt warm about the way she was looking at me.

I felt completely safe. The feeling of panic that had stayed with me for almost a week now disappeared. Those memories that plagued me completely fled my mind. I had never actually payed attention to appearances much, but I couldn't help it at this moment.

Her light brown hair fell around her face perfectly, one stray strand falling over her dark blue eyes. They were specked with brown flecks, making them even more vibrant. She quickly pushed the curly strand from her face, waiting for my response.

"I know. But I promised to tell you stuff eventually. I can at least get one part of the story done." I gave a small laugh, to quiet for her to hear it. The story was way to long for one night. I couldn't even go through it completely for myself.

She looked at me expectantly, taking two small steps to the edge of my bed where she sat down.

"A long time ago there was this big issue in my family. I can't really explain it but it was causing a lot of trouble. Then there was an accident and-" My voice cracked. All the pain of those moments rushed back up at me. My breath caught and I thought I was going to have another panic attack. I closed my eyes and took in a breath, feeling a hand grab my leg. I tried to regain myself and continued. "A-and I d-did s-some really st-stupid stuff. B-but the m-memories of what I did kept c-coming back a-at me." I felt the panic rising up. I couldn't do this. It hurt. Tears threatened to streak down my face, but I couldn't cry right now. I wasn't letting Cassidy see me cry. My voice squeaked and I stuttered as I said, "I w-was an i-idiot. I let a l-lot of s-stuff get to me. T-then these p-panic a-attack things s-started h-happening. At f-first it wasn't as b-bad but they got w-worse and worse and t-things got h-harder and h-harder." I stopped as the panic rose up and swallowed me whole. I felt myself shake as it took over everything in me.

It wouldn't stop. Why couldn't it just leave me alone? Why couldn't I just...

"Bowen?" I felt her hand against my face, trying to make me look at her. My breath was coming in raged gasp. I felt like I was being choked, and whoever was doing it wouldn't stop.

I opened my eyes finally, looking directly into Cassidy's eyes. They were shining with a light that honestly made me melt. I could breath right again, yet I was breathless. I felt my heart rate slow down as the panic subsided. 

I was safe.

"Sorry I'm fine now," I said. 

She looked at me, face filled with worry. "Are you sure? I can go get Mrs. Maggie or-"

"N-no," I said quickly, "It's just been crazy the last week. All this stuff..."

"It's got to be hard," Cassidy said, hardly audible. 

I laughed ruefully, not meaning to. I honestly think I was going delusional. My head was swimming and my vision was starting to go hazy. Sleep deprivation I thought. It had been a long couple of days. 

I saw my door open again and Saige walked in glancing over at me. She had paper towels in her hand. "Sorry," she said walking over to my side, "I couldn't find them. Had to go downstairs..." She trailed off as she gently grabbed my arm. I flinched as her hand ran over the mark on my arm. It had been hurting since the other morning. 

At the hospital they had wrapped some bandages around it to make me stop messing with it, but that didn't help. I couldn't stop tracing my fingers over it, feeling the pain radiate through me. 

Saige's eyes widened as she looked at me, waiting for me to tell her it was fine. I nodded. She continued to wrap it back up with some of the extra bandages that were in my room. It stung at first when she was cleaning the spot, but I stopped feeling it. She finished wrapping it up and set my arm back down. 

My head was spinning faster than before, but I quit noticing. I was exhausted. Every attack left me even more drained. I was starting to get really loopy. 

I felt Saige walk away from me, and I heard her say something. I couldn't make it out. My mind started to wander, yet the image of Cassidy' bright blue eyes penetrated my fuzzy thoughts. They were vibrant with the low light of the lamp in my room. I couldn't get them out of my head. It was like looking into the ocean at the beach. They were deep, with many levels of experience thought them. There was hidden pain, and there was open joy. 

My conscious cleared itself long enough for me to hear Saige say something. 

"We're gonna walk out. Are you good?" I looked up at her, my eyes refusing to focus. 

"Yea," I said.

"Ok." She gave me what I assumed to be a hug and walked out of the room with Cassidy. I saw her nod at me, the look in her eyes telling me everything she wanted to say. 

Everything is going to be fine. Stay safe Bowen.

I gave a smile, or something that could be counted as one. 

The door closed and almost immediately I drooped sideways, falling asleep. 

Right before I dozed off, I saw one thing. 

The blue of the ocean. 

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AHHHHH. OMG WOW HOW OMG CRYING WHAT NO. 

Now you know my reaction. What's yours? 

Lol I try right? So not much to say. Hope you've been enjoying this book as much as I have! 

So next update will be May 26th! Have a good week! 

And y'all I just left my schools honors day in a boom truck and we went to McDonalds afterwards and I had to get out in this dress and all I could think was...

"SHE'S ELEGANCE, SHE'S GRACE, SHE JUST GOT OUT OF A BOOM TRUCK IN A DRESS AND DID IT FLAWLESSLY."