A Step in the Other Direction

~~Chapter 15~~

--Bowen's Point of View--

I woke up early Sunday evening. It was probably about 5:30 or so.  My head was hazy from just waking up, but I could tell I was in my bed. I reached for my glasses, which would hopefully be sitting on my bed stand. There they were, like they normally were. 

Was today normal? My brain refused to wake up with the rest of my body, and I couldn't quite grasp the memory of today. I knew there was something that I wanted to remember, but I just couldn't. 

At least not until an hour later. Then I remembered. 

The memory of Cassidy pulling me up to that alter brought tears to my eyes. Out of all the emotions that were overwhelming me one stood out. The fact that she cared enough to do something that I couldn't bring my own self to do. Cassidy cared about me. 

I cared about her too. A lot. There was something there that I hadn't noticed through all the time I had known her. She had been a friend for so long now, and I think that blinded what I actually thought. 

Maybe I was wrong, and maybe it was just because we had spent a lot of time together lately. But I didn't think it was. There was something different about it this time. I had never know this feeling and there was something about it...

I enjoyed it. 

This was the first time I actually wanted to feel this way. 

"Cassidy..." I whispered. Her name felt good rolling across my lips. 

My thoughts turned to the events of today. I remembered what I had said. Did I really mean that? I had said that I wasn't worth it. I had asked what was wrong with me. When did I start thinking that? But the more I thought about it, I realized it had briefly crossed my mind. That was a long time ago...that was a time of pain and hurt. 

The only reason I got out of that situation was because I prayed my way out. I reached out to God and asked him to help me. Why didn't I do that this time? I knew that was the only way to go, yet I hadn't done it.

She helped me do it. She was the reason that I reached out. 

The words of her prayer sunk into my mind.

"...you let him know that he is worth it. He is worth much more than the world could ever tell him." 

Her words gave me a sense of believing that was true. I don't think I would have ever done anything if she hadn't have grabbed my arm and pulled me along with her. I had let myself slip back into a hole that I had spent a long time digging myself out of. 

That was a really deep hole. 

I looked over to the clock next to my bed. When I woke up it had been...5:38? It was 6:47 now. Had I been thinking that long? 

I stood up from my bed. My stomach was growling. I really needed some food. I slipped out of the church clothes I was still in and pulled on a baggy t-shirt and sweatpants. I opened my door and looked over the small ledge that overlooked a window. The sun was almost completely behind the trees. 

I walked halfway down the stairs and noticed that Saige and mom were sitting on the couch watching tv. Saige glanced up and saw me. She nudged my mom, whose eyes slowly drifted up until they landed on me. I could see how tired she was. I doubt she had had much good sleep for  a while. 

"Hey baby," she said as she stood up, walking over to the stairs, "Want to sit with me and Saige?" 

"Sure," I said as I walked down the last couple of steps. She wrapped her arm around my shoulder as we walked back to the couch. Saige scooted over and let me sit on the edge. My eyes glanced around the room. 

"Where's Jimmy," I asked. I saw Saige look away and mom didn't answer. "Mom?"

"He had to go to work," she said, her voice almost a whisper. 

It wasn't a rare occasion for Jimmy to run away for work. He would randomly get a call from his manager and be whisked away out of state. He worked for...actually I didn't know. I knew it had something to do with computers but that was it. The thing that made this weird was that he had previously been on a job for about two weeks. When he got back he was suppose to have a two week rest period, yet he was gone. 

"Ok." I dropped the subject. Mom was always upset about Jimmy's quick absences, and it never sat well with her. It was hard to trust after losing a husband and the other cheating on you. That's what Saige's dad did. It was only once, but mom knew he would do it again. Saige doesn't know. 

I lost my appetite. 

We sat and watched tv for a while until I noticed Saige nodding off. Soon she was out cold. Mom moved her head down onto the pillow and pulled a blanket over her. "Night Saige," she whispered. She sat back down next to me. It wasn't long before she spoke again. "I'm really proud of you Bowen." I gave her a questioning look. "You did something a lot of adults couldn't do today. You bypassed a fear and went up there. Lots of people don't have the courage for that."

I was silent for a moment, and she glanced over at me. "It wasn't really me." Her eyes showed her confusion. "I mean I didn't really go up there. I mean I went up there, I just- I didn't really make the choice- well I did but-" I sighed and leaned my head on the back of the couch. "It was mostly Cassidy." 

"Cassidy?"

"Yea," I closed my eyes, remembering the moment she pulled me up. "I-uh..." I took a breath, "I guess I started having a...you know...and she came up to me and I said something I didn't really mean but said anyway and she grabbed my arm and asked me to come up there with her. I followed her but...I didn't think that would happen. I...I never realized that I thought some of that stuff until then." 

"What kind of stuff?"

"Just that..." I clenched my jaw, feeling the hot tears about to flow down my face. I felt her arm go around my shoulders. "I asked her what was wrong with me." My voice cracked, "I don't know why I just did and then she said why do you think that and I just said...I w-wasn't w-worth i-it." 

"Bowen..." That's when the first tear ran down my face. She pulled me close as the torrent of salty tears flowed like a river that wouldn't go dry. How was it that after the amount of crying and tears that had escaped me did I still have even more of them? I couldn't do this much longer. "What did Cassidy say to you?"

I swallow back the tears, trying not to stutter over my words, "She r-reminded me of what I told her a l-long time ago. That when things got t-tough that you needed to p-pray. I thought about how I hadn't really been d-doing that. So she d-dragged me up there a-and...I don't really remember the rest. I remember hearing all the people around me and then f-falling backwards but that was it." A sob threatened to rack through my body, but I swallowed it back. "Mom I'm tired."

Her eyes shown with tears, but she never let one slip. She refused to. "Ok" was all she said. I stood up and grabbed her hand, pulling her up. 

I started going up the stairs, yet I hardly remember walking into my room and falling into my bed. I was out in a instant. 

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Hey guys!! Hope that you're having good week!! I know I have!! And please wish me luck I start my national competition tomorrow!! 

You know the drill, next update will be next Friday!! Have a great 4th!