A Step in the Other Direction

~~Chapter 13~~

--Bowen's Point of View--

(A/N: ok guys so just so you know this is a pentecostal church that they are in so there is stuff like raising hands and speaking in tongues.)

I really was sorry that I left Cassidy hanging, but I couldn't help it.

When she was walking over to Mrs. Kimmy's little boy, I felt another panic attack coming on. I couldn't have one right here, so I got up and went to the back door of the Sanctuary. I slipped out and saw Cassidy looking around, her eyes searching for me. I ran down the short hallway to the bathroom, locking myself in a stall. No one was in here. I pushed my back against the wall, taking deep breaths and trying to stay calm.

God please don't let me have a major panic attack. I kept taking deep breaths and the panic finally subsided. I could hear Pastor Marcus already talking on the stage. I walked out, washing my face in the cold water. I quickly walked out of the bathroom and walked to the front sanctuary door. I really didn't want to have people turn and look at me.

I pushed on the door just enough to where I could fit through. Only a little light sliped through and thankfully no one noticed.

Except Cassidy. Her head turned just slightly, and then she faced back at the stage. I walked to where my mom had saved me a seat. She looked over at me with concern when I sat down.

"Are you ok," she whispered in my ear.

It was then I noticed how rough my breaths were. They hurt coming out, but nevertheless I said, "I'm fine. I just had to go to the bathroom." She grabbed my hand in hers and I felt myself begin to relax. I focused on the sermon.

"We all wish for miracles, and God has a miracle in store for us," Pastor Marcus said, pointing his finger at the sky, "But for some of us we are wanting the miracle yet we do nothing to get it. Isn't that crazy? We want our lives to be changed but we prevent ourselves from getting them changed." His eyes lit up with a sudden burning. He stopped for a moment I knew he was hearing something. "Some of us are just waiting for that miracle. We aren't putting ourselves out there to get it. How many of you want that miracle?" He stepped away from his podium as some people in the room murmured. "If you want that miracle- like you really want it- and you are willing to put yourself out there to God so that he can give it too you, I want you to come to the alter. When I count to three, you can come." He nodded towards our music pastor, who walked up to the keyboard.

He turned back to us as a couple of the people on the praise team walked up and grabbed mics.

"One." I saw a couple people moving their stuff so that they could get up. "Two." My mom looked over at me. Her eyes asked the question. "Three. If you want a miracle then come."

My mom stood up. Her eyes burned into mine. I didn't think I could stand, and I think she understood that. She nodded and walked to the front with Saige trailing behind her. People began to flood the alter, and I was sitting there frozen. I noticed Cassidy's mom and dad at the front too, and I snuck a glance at her. Her head was bowed and I saw her lips moving. I was alone.

I had always been alone.

Stop.

My breath caught. I felt them becoming short and labored. I closed my eyes, trying to fight the thoughts away.

I will always be alone.

Stop it.

There wasn't a chance.

Stop it, stop it, stop it!!

I felt a hand on my shoulder. My eyes were still closed, but I knew it was Cassidy.

"Bowen," she said, "Bowen are you ok?"

"Y-yea. I j-just..." I forgot what I was saying. Cassidy walked around and sat in the chair next to me. Her eyes portrayed her worry.

"What's wrong?" Her voice was no more than a whisper in my ears. The sound of people praying and the music drowned her out. I couldn't answer her question. My voice was caught in my throat. "Bowen? You're really scaring me. Please answer me."

And in that moment I felt myself crack in half. Every thought I had ever had came back on me. I wasn't going to have a panic attack, I was just there.

Broken.

"What's wrong with me Cass?" Her eyes widened, and I felt her arms wrap around me. I was pulled into her hug and all I could do was let the hot tears stream down my face.

"Bowen," she whispered, "Why do you think something is wrong with you?"

"Because I'm not worth it." The words surprised me. Did I think that?

"That's the total opposite of the truth."

"How do you know?" It was the same question she had asked me centuries ago.

"Because I do. Look," she pulled on my arm for me to stand and follow her, "Come with me." I obeyed. My feet were a little shaky, but I made my way to where she was leading me. I couldn't really see out of my tear filled eyes. We stopped and I noticed we were at the front of the alter.

Cassidy turned back to face me. Her eyes burned with a fire I had never seen. "You have told me that when things got tough you needed to pray. I want you to pray Bowen. Pray to that man upstairs. Pray because you know it is the only thing that brings you closer to Him." Fresh tears brimmed my eyes as she spoke. Prayer was something that had saved me, and lately, I hadn't been doing much of it. It was a mistake, and I knew that. "Pray Bowen, and I'm going to pray with you."

I closed my eyes and felt Cassidy's hands grab mine. She opened her mouth and the words that poured out of her made me feel like I was crumbling down like an ancient civilization. I couldn't make much of them out but the few I heard bore into me.

"...you let him know that he is worth it. He is worth much more than the world could ever tell him."

I felt a hand grab my shoulder as her words continued. In that moment I was to lost to even comprehend words in my own thoughts.

Even thought the moment the bad thoughts tried to fight in. They-no, he wanted to destroy me. He wanted me to not be able to make it though my life. To quote practically any pastor, 'the devil is a liar.' The devil wasn't going to get me this time. Thats when I decided to fight back.

There were a lot more people around me now. I felt hands on my arms, back, and stomach. One pair of hands were laid on the side of my head. The voices were everywhere, but one voice broke through.

"Come on Bowen, reach for him. Raise your hands. Reach for the Father because the Father is reaching for you." I had no physical energy to do much, but I lifted my hands to chest-level. There were sobs wracking my body.

The sounds around me were a mix of music, people singing, people speaking in tongues, and people praying out loud. The sounds were being drowned out by one thing. There was the feeling of calm that I hadn't felt in the longest time. It spread through my body until I couldn't feel anything at all. I was lost in a feeling I couldn't explain. I laughed at the feeling.

I remembered my knees giving out and sinking down, Cassidy following me down. She never left my side.

The last thing I remembered was falling backwards into a pair of arms.

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Hey guys!! Sorry for the sorta late update I've been at church camp all week!! Just saying we were super lit for Jesus! Next update will be Friday (hopefully I have to pack and go BACK to the same camp I just left to be a leader)!! 

Have a good week!!!