Love Is Blind [boyxboy love story]

[Final Part] Chapter Thirty-Two: Decidophobia - Fear of Making Decisions

Final: To be Fearless

I’m so tired of playing hide and seek with love
I won’t close my eyes and count again to 10
Sick and tired of playing hide and seek with love
This time I’m going to hide my heart
Where you will never find it.

- Janet Devlin: Hide and Seek

Chapter Thirty-Two: Decidophobia - Fear of Making Decisions

♪Adam’s POV ♥

            "I'm sorry," he kept repeating over and over.  But by the end of his talk, the word became nothing.  Like a word that didn't even mean anything true, or real, anymore.  It was just crap, absolutely nothing to the soul.  Life suddenly went cruel and like a knife, it was found in my back, grinding against my spine.  It was so cruel, hating, biting into my very being.

            I blinked and bit into my lip, drawing blood.  I looked down and felt broken.  Words echoed within my skull, like my bones were mountains that soared high.  "I've been lying, I've been lying so much.  And I hate myself."

            Why? I felt naked, and I was... but it's different.  Because it was the kind of naked, where I stripped to the bone, to my core.  And my heart was ripped open, my skin laying on the ground like a costume, my lungs cold and restricted.   "Because I've been lying, because I'm lying to you."

            What were you lying about?  My blood was still pulsing, but it was shooting into the air, evaporating.  My nails were clawing to the sheets.  "About us."

            What about 'us'?  If silence is our enemy, what is our friend?  Screaming, crying?  Ironic, isn't it.  Because it I could say anything about, I'd say that silence was my friend, because ignorance is bliss.  Because if he just stayed quiet, I think I'd be okay.  I'd be okay to never know.

            Adrian? "Yes?"

            What about us?

            "There is no us."

            At first, I didn't understand.  I wish I didn't understand, I wished I never understood any of it.  That it was all fake and it turns out I'll wake up in the morning, Adrian's arm around me, him actually being my caring boyfriend.

            "Why?" I mumbled.  The words seemed to sting, to burn my dry live and rip them from the roots.  I don't know what hurt less, that he lied or that the lie wasn't the truth.  And I almost wanted to say it hurt that he told me in the first place.

            "Sorry..."

            "Sorry..."

            "Sorry..."

            Tormented, it seemed.

            "Adrian, why?"

            "I'm sorry."

            I looked at him, naked, still gleaming in sex and sweat.  I couldn't help but want to put my fingers on his spine and feel his muscles, cramping and squeezing.  I wanted to ask more than why but words couldn't do that.  That's where words were incapable.

            "Sorry."

            I stood up, naked, still sore.  I slid out of his sheets and into the living room, calmly, quietly.  I grabbed my clothes and slid them on in complete silence.