Diary of a Desperate Wife and Mother - aged 35...and a half

I Really Need To Stop Crying

Friday

The jury is still out on my vagina...there are two different types and neither Paul nor I can 100% say which one it is! I am leaning towards Ms Barbie, but Paul suggested that I might be Ms Puffs. He did offer to 'take another look' when the alarm went off, an offer I declined. He did at least contain his happiness at his continuing good week from the kids at breakfast.

I drop Finn at school and see a notice asking for donations of books and comics to encourage the children to read a variety of materials. Finn has lots of books and comics and his room is overdue for a good tidy and sort so I make a mental note to bring some in next week. I say as much to Finn and he nods before explaining that the day before Mrs Forbes asked the children in class to bring some in if they could.

At work I am still preoccupied with choices of Barbie or Puffs when a couple approach my desk and they put my vagina 'problems' into perspective. They explain what they want in terms of a holiday and we chat. They are about forty and she says they met at school making me think of Steven briefly. The man looks tired and older than his years, certainly older than his wife. I find a few different holidays, one hotel I have been too and suggest that one for later in the year though. They look at each other and hold hands, both looking emotional. He then explains that they can't wait as he has been battling cancer for about 18 months and there is no more they can do for him, that he is dying and wants to holiday with his wife and children one last time so that they will all have wonderful memories of him and their life together after he's gone. They have children of a similar age to my own and that only makes me sadder at their situation. The lady begins to dab her eyes and her husband hugs her tightly before telling her she'll be fine, she's strong and he knows she will be there for the children. By the time they look back at me they both look aghast to find me sobbing, with proper ugly crying. I am moved by their obvious love and the awful situation they find themselves in. I then allow myself to put myself in their shoes and the idea of having to tell my children that their father is dying cripples me, making me cry even more. I offer my sympathy and condolences between snotty bouts of crying. They are actually comforting me as I try and manage, a little too well to imagine how I would feel knowing that Paul was dying and that he wouldn't be in my life any longer. The thought of him leaving me alone causes me crying. I apologise for my emotions that really have no place here and with a hug from her and sympathetic looks from him I am embarrassed by and for myself. I manage to pull myself together in order to book them their holiday with yet more apologies and once they leave, having checked that I am ok I contact the holiday company and hotel who upon hearing their story through yet more of my tears again agree to upgrade everything which makes me cry again, happy tears.

I feel emotionally wrung out by the time I have walked the dog and done the ironing so I make a cup of tea and sit down with my younger self's diary to revisit the time when my mother imposed her Steven ban because of my love bite.

Victoria's Diary aged 13 and a half (except I was probably 14 and a half)

My Mum still insists that I can't see Steven, except for school which is better than it had been last night when she was moving me to another school. I am actually heartbroken and haven't eaten breakfast. I explain to Steven what happened and he looks sad and shocked that she would really ban me from seeing him. She might calm down with me, she is still really, really angry but I have no clue how I will convince her to let me see him again. As I left my breakfast she lectured me again on the love bite and even told me it was because she cared that she disapproved of them. She told me they can kill you, I think she believes it but I don't think they can, can they?

Steven and I meet in the drama room before home time and he kisses me, we kiss each other and agree that we haven't split up, that my Mum just needs to believe we have, so we'll need to be careful for a while and Gemma has agreed to help me to meet Steven in secret and hopefully my Mum will never find out. We kiss again before leaving the drama room and walk away separately, pretending there is nothing between us anymore, but there is. I smile for the first time since my Mum saw that love bite and then my smile disappears when I see Melissa Matthews appear from nowhere and seeing we are not together she gives me a dead smarmy smile and then runs after Steven and pushes her arm in his as she walks with him. I can feel I am going to cry, but I don't want that slag Melissa to see so I let them get further away before I go and find Gemma and go home where I will go to bed and cry alone.

Victoria's Diary aged 35 and a half

My mind is still preoccupied by the couple at work as I make the short trip to the school. They made me realise just how much I love Paul, how much I would miss him and how hard I would find my life without him in it. Whilst I stand waiting for Finn I text Paul to tell him that I have had a shitty day and that I love him, a lot, more than a lot. He replies quite sedately which is a surprise because he usually seizes upon my 'I love you' texts which are few and far between, although he is 4 for 4 this week in terms of 'my love' so maybe he'd like a full night's sleep too. I can feel tears and emotions threatening to overtake me again and have to have a stern word with myself before my son sees me and becomes concerned for me. Honestly, I am concerned for me because I do not do emotional outbursts like this.

The classroom door opens and I notice most of the parents are around me. Mrs Forbes calls everyone's child out before mine and then she calls me over, calls me in for 'a word'. Her word relates to the appeal for donations of reading materials which confuses me as I don't know why she is telling me personally. I assure her that I will sort out some books, comics and magazines and then it all becomes clear as she hands me several books and a couple of magazines it seems Finn had already tried to donate. He has taken my well-thumbed copy of 50 Shades and a similar book along with the magazines Gemma gave me, with one open on the 5 types of vagina article, the same article Paul had actually made notes on last night. I laughed as he made jottings last night but I am not laughing now. Now I am hoping a hole will open and swallow my very red and embarrassed self. I can't get out of there quick enough and although I am mortified I don't doubt Paul will be amused by it more than anything. I try not to shout at Finn, but do tell him that he shouldn't give other people's belongings away and also remind him that they things in my room are private.

I think I might cry again, but have no clue why or who for.