Diary of a Desperate Wife and Mother - aged 35...and a half

Happy Birthday Finn

Friday

Today is my youngest son's birthday, my baby and he is six, God I feel old and redundant somehow. I know that Finn is still a child, still needs me and yet with every passing day, week, month and year he needs me less. Maybe we should have another baby, if I am not ready not to be needed yet? I don't think Paul would have an issue with that, he has always said that how many kids we have is down to me as I carry them and am their primary carer. My house is covered in birthday banners, balloons, gifts and cards. I am putting candles into a superhero birthday cake ready for Finn to appear and as it's 6 a.m.it could be any time now.

I am avoiding picking up my phone and pushing all thoughts of friend requests from my mind because the only man who should be on my mind today is Finn and I intend to keep it that way. Paul is still in the dog house after his drunken return home with his brother. He brought flowers home yesterday, flowers and chocolates that I am now eating during the early hours of the morning and it's neither Easter nor my birthday. Paul appears just as I have inserted a praline truffle in my mouth whole. With a grin and a sarcastic 'breakfast'? He is filling the kettle before kissing my neck whilst asking me 'who'd have thought our baby would get to 6 so soon'. His question is the same one I asked myself and yet I can feel tears threatening as Paul asks it, but as I consider suggesting another baby Finn bounds down the stairs screaming, 'it's here, my birthday'.

Finn is meticulous in his opening of presents, so much so that me, Paul and our older children are encouraging him 'to just open them'. He moves a little more quickly and is thrilled with everything the opened paper reveals, although the revelation of new clothes is not exactly received with excitement, unlike the DVDs, super hero figures, games and toys...he hasn't even got his new bike yet!

Once he has finished opening his presents and my living room looks like the local branch of Toys R Us has been looted I set about making breakfast before we introduce Finn to his new bike and take it out for a test drive.

Finn's birthday is not until Saturday and as excited as was about that his new bike has trumped everything else. We have a big country park not too far from our house and this is where we take our son to christen his bike. As it's his birthday Paul and I are not working and we all go together including the dog who loves the freedom of running free and the lake that he has already ended up in more than once.

The older children wouldn't normally be into a family day like this but they know today is about Finn, and there is a coffee shop that does milkshakes to die for so it has its benefits. Paul and I are back on better terms but I can feel something between us, weighing us both down and unlike my husband I know what that think is, Steven and his friend request. I couldn't resist checking it and was more surprised than I should have been really when I saw it was from him. I have no clue what to do now because I don't see how we can simply like each other's posts and send annual Christmas and birthday wishes, not like I do with other old school friends because he is not like others, we have a history, a messy one that it will be impossible not to address and the truth is that I have tried to bury it away in mind and don't think it's healthy to unearth it.

The dog is diving into the lake after the ducks again, making the older children laugh as Paul takes my hand in his to pull me close enough to kiss my head and yet again apologises for his night out with his brother making me feel like a bitch because I am not annoyed about that anymore. I wave off his apology and vow, if only to myself to stop these thoughts of 'being friends' with Steven. Today is for my family, my son's birthday and tomorrow too, but after that I will message Steven and tell him I don't want to be his friend, that he was never my friend, he was my boyfriend and now I have enough friends so don't need any more and as far as boyfriends, well I don't want one of those either because I have something better, a husband, the father of my children, Paul.

My thoughts are scrambled when the dog appears to catch a bloody duck, fortunately only briefly as Finn heads towards him hands free. Paul runs towards them both and I am unsure which one he should grab first and then from the corner of my eye I see a familiar face, a still attractive face smiling at me, Father Joe. Maybe he will walk on, in the opposite direction to me. Apparently not it appears when he heads straight for me.

Once he reaches me he sees our wet dog who is now chasing Finn who after a quick word from his father has both hands back on the steering wheel and he lets out a short chuckle. We chat, aimlessly for a few seconds before I ask how long he is going to be visiting our church and am stunned to discover that he is our new permanent priest. I think he sees my panic because he puts a reassuring arm around my shoulder before reminding me that our past, his knowledge of my past is confidential. I am relieved to hear Paul join us, even if he does that by telling Father Joe it's a sin to covet his ox, me being the ox. They both laugh but I am still unsure how I feel about being an ox and having my family priest knowing my deepest secrets. Paul suggests we all go to the tearoom and I know he is aware of my worry and in truth my shame because apart from Father Joe only Paul is privy to that part of my past.

Victoria's Diary aged 15 and a half

I can't believe what Gemma told me today. She has a boyfriend, Dane and well they have actually done it! They have been together a couple of months and me and Steven have been together so much longer, but we haven't. Gem said she just wanted to get it over with...she is a bit older than me, she's already 16 and she says that's what most girls do, wait til they're 16, plus she just needed to do it, not to be a virgin any more. She also said that Dane had told her was going to pack her in if she didn't, so she did and now I feel a bit sad for her, not because she's done it but because she kind of felt like she had to so she could keep hold of Dane. I don't really like him, he has loads of girlfriends and I think Gem really likes him. When I was speaking to Steven today he asked if I had started taking my pill yet, I haven't, but he was ok about it and said I didn't have to if I didn't want to, he'd wait for me. I love him so much and I really do want to do it with him, but like Gemma I am going to wait until after I turn 16, when we go to France if we can but I am kind of scared.

Gemma said that Dane really hurt her and that it felt nice after but that it was all really quick. She thought it was going to be better than it was...they haven't done it again and Gem says she isn't really bothered about it but will do it if Dane wants to. When Steven and I talk about it I know we both want it to be special, not like Gemma and Dane, they did it in the alley the back of the church youth club which has to be a sin I am sure. I need to stop thinking of sex and sin together or I will never do it...I am sure I will face hell's fire and damnation, and it gets worse every time I think of anyone finding out.

My Mum is calling me for tea. Steven is coming over for tea, she is kind of ok with him, kind of and he is helping out at the church with me...I still help with the dancing and Steven comes with me, to set up and tidy away at the end. Father Joe sorted it, he likes him, although it is a bit weird to see them together, my boyfriend and my priest, especially when I look at them both and think they are well fit. My Mum is now screaming my name up the stairs making me think of hell's fire and damnation again...I have to go!