Diary of a Desperate Wife and Mother - aged 35...and a half

The Monday to End All Mondays - Part II

Monday cont'd

Victoria's Diary Aged 35 and a Half

I can't believe I am here and doing this. I am trembling, I can feel myself shaking but get a few seconds to gather myself before Steven turns and sees me. In a few strides he is in front of me and hugging me. It is really strange because despite the years that have passed it feels familiar and yet alien at the same time. We remain in a hug for a while and then after almost getting knocked over by people trying to get to the bar we separate and I allow Steven to lead me to a table.

It's really strange to be here because apart from anything else he looks the same, kind of, a little older, slightly greyer and a little fuller around the middle. I have a very large glass of wine that I am making very short work of as we each bring the other up to speed. When we discuss my family Steven says that Paul looks familiar and the nods when I remind him that he worked for my Dad and Steven met him a couple of times when he came to meet me after work. He asks about my kids but in honesty he seems disinterested. The biggest shock is when I ask about his wife and family and he reveals that he and his wife have separated, his third wife. I heard he had married an air hostess, he confirms that, in fact all of his wives were air hostesses. So much for that being our dream I think and then figure I would have been the first one he divorced which makes me feel sad, sad and a bit stupid that I pinned so much on those ideals and dreams we developed together and somehow it feels as though he didn't value them as much as I did.

I ask him about children and he pulls a face, a face like the one when we had discussed the girl at school when she'd gotten pregnant. It turns out that he has a son and a daughter. The son was born after a 'fling' with a model he met on a tropical island when he was doing a stopover.

His daughter was born after another fling when he was 18...the fling that came after me...I feel absolutely sick to my stomach at that, but I feel even worse when he explains that he has no contact with his children and he is ok with that and he says it's for the best because the drama with their mothers was too much.

We have another drink, although I move onto soft drinks as I am driving and we rehash the past and it's nice we laugh, a lot. He remembers things I didn't and I am truly touched just how much he does remember. He is staying in town and tells me which hotel, it's a good one but it's not until I make noises about leaving that he suggests me going back to his hotel, an offer I don't consider for a second which shocks him I think.

I need to leave, I need to go home to my husband, where I belong but I haven't told him what happened after he left and the truth is he doesn't need to know because it won't make any difference to him or me and honestly I can see this, me and Steven is in the past.

Steven walks me to my car and strangely I have parked next to him, my very family friendly 4-wheel drive next to his top of the range sports car, how different we really are, maybe my Mum was right and we always were. I allow myself a final hug and a chaste kiss on his cheek as I inhale his scent that is exactly the same as it was when we were 15.

He tells me at that point that he loved me, truly loved me and I kind of want to cry, but I don't, however I do tell him that I loved him too and get into my car thinking that I should have done this years ago and put the past behind rather than glorifying what my life might have been because I think with Steven my life would have been a single, divorced parent and I can think of nothing worse. As I am about to pull away I open my window and call to him and ask him the most ridiculous question ever, I ask him if he has a conservatory. He laughs and shakes his head and tells me he lives in an apartment. Bloody hell, how stupid have I been to hang on to everything I planned at 15, except I do have a conservatory and a husband and 3 happy healthy children and a cat and a dog...I have everything I ever wanted.