Diary of a Desperate Wife and Mother - aged 35...and a half

Why Would Anyone Want To Swim On A Sunday?

Sunday

I wake up to the sound of squealing downstairs, Finn. Squealing and barking, Oscar, the dog, Finn doesn't bark, not often anyway. It is barely 7 o'clock on a Sunday and although I debate rolling over and going back to sleep I know I won't, once I am awake I am awake and lying here will only give me an achy back when I do finally remove it from the mattress. Once I am upright I realise that I might be slightly hung over as the red wine came out last night, a drink I claim not to like, but Paul assured me it was a nice smooth one...smooth enough that I recall emptying the bottle. I worry I am becoming a lush...at least I didn't have sex, although I think that was only because I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow...I can't maintain sex virtually every night of the week, no matter how much I enjoy it or how wonderful my husband has been that day...I just can't and it is unfair to lull Paul into thinking that I can! He was very sweet though yesterday; we stashed Finn's presents, then before we collected him Paul gave me a gift bag...he hadn't needed to find a toilet before we left the shopping centre, he had dashed back to the jewellers to buy me a bracelet, like a bangle with a charm on, a diary charm, I almost cried when I saw it, I almost shagged him when I saw it, but we collected Finn instead. Another squeal from downstairs jolts me into throwing on my pyjamas.

The scene that greets me downstairs is of Finn in just his pants eating a bowl of cereal whilst watching Power Rangers and Paul in a pair of track bottoms, naked from the waist up drinking tea. They both turn to face me and smile, although Oscar is probably happiest to see me...nobody will ever be as happy as a dog to see you. Paul immediately gets me a cup of tea and as I stand moving my head round in an attempt to ease the ache and tension in it he comes behind me and begins to rub my neck which really does feel nice. My appreciative groans confirm that until he digs a finger in a little too firmly causing me to wince and whine. I am so preoccupied with my pain that I miss whatever Finn says, as does Paul who is more gently rubbing my neck and before I know it we, Paul has just agreed to take our son swimming and then with a pleading expression he says, 'and you Mummy'. Unbelievable! I am going swimming on a Sunday morning with a hangover, a stiff neck and a very excited 6 year old, oh and a very excited 39 year old and I will clearly need to wear swimwear in public, near my home.

When we arrive at the pool Paul takes Finn into the male changing room allowing me to change in peace. I managed to quickly shave my legs and underarms before leaving home and all of the nicks and cuts on my legs support that, as does the attractive and irritated razor rash that is currently adorning my armpits. I briefly wonder if chlorine is likely to kill or cure but the sight of me in a swimming costume in the mirror distracts me. My figure looks a little bigger than I like, but I do smile as I scrutinise my boobs that still sit relatively high on my chest and my bum that doesn't hang too far down my legs, not really, but I really need to do something about the podge of my belly and the spare tyre above it, but as I hear kids squealing I decide that swimming on a Sunday morning with a hangover will not feature on any fitness regime. I do a few final adjustments to how my swim suit is sitting and wonder just how painful a bikini wax would be or if they'd give me a general anaesthetic.

As I venture out poolside, holding my breath and my stomach in as much as I can I am appalled to see the sheer number of children in the water, they're bloody everywhere and they're splashing. I hate splashing and whilst my own kids know that splashing will result in a very irritated mother other people's kids don't and Paul assures me every time we are in the pool on holiday that you can't threaten other people's children for splashing near you, apparently it is socially unacceptable and could end up getting you into a fight or handcuffs. I am momentarily relieved to be in the water, mainly because once I am submerged I can breathe out but it's short lived when I realise I really need a wee but have heard stories of things being put in the water so that it changes colour when urine appears in the water so settle in a corner and wait until I get out. Finn is having a whale of a time with Paul who is chasing our son around the pool and even dips underwater, re-emerging right next to him making Finn giggle loudly which makes the thumping in my head that is echoing around the pool worthwhile, almost.

I go to bed at 2 in the afternoon, just for an hour, but it turns into 2 hours and once I wake up I decide to come to for a few minutes before risking going back downstairs because truth be told my head is still a little thick and fuzzy. Sitting up I reach over into the drawer of my bedside table and retrieve on of my old diaries and with a smile see that the entry I am on is my reunion with Steven after my visit to the priest, Father Joe.

Victoria's Diary aged 14 and a half

Melissa bloody Matthews greets me when I arrive at school and tells me that her Mum knows Steven's Mum, they go to the same hairdressers in town and she had been invited to go to the pictures with Steven and his parents. I want to punch her, but if I do that I will be excluded and when my Mum is told that she will no doubt blame Steven and with or without Father Flynn's support she will make the ban on Steven permanent and irrevocable so I don't punch her, in fact I don't do anything beyond asking her, loudly so that the people around us can hear if she managed to find the head lice treatment in the chemist on Saturday. Obviously I didn't see her on Saturday, in the chemist or anywhere else, but the more she claimed not to have nits to everyone around her the more they disbelieve her and scratch their own heads making me feel satisfied as I saunter into school, to find my boyfriend!

School is boring and I don't have many lessons with Steven and the ones we do share he is sat away from me which is really annoying, especially as I haven't had chance to speak to him about Melissa. As the day goes on I get more and more annoyed that he might be looking forward to a trip to the pictures with Melissa. I speak to Gemma who reassures me that Melissa is just winding me up but I can't help thinking that maybe her Mum and Steven's will win in the end. Gemma does tell me that if Steven is willing to go anywhere with Melissa when he is supposed to be going out with me then I am better off without him, but I am not, I can't be. I will do anything to keep Steven, I love him, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Gemma and I are great friends, but different because she is really popular with boys, she has had loads of boyfriends but when they make her angry she shouts and swears and is then single until she gets a new boyfriend, which isn't usually long whereas I am scared of boys, kind of and Steven is my first proper boyfriend and I don't want to break up, I love him and I don't think that Gemma has ever really been in love like I am.

By the time home time comes I am really bothered by Melissa and Steven and I can't get them out of my head. What if he does like her? And if their mums are involved they could force them to see each other especially as my Mum doesn't really want me to see Steven. I am still thinking about Melissa and Steven when I am walking home, alone. Gemma has a detention and I didn't wait for Steven because, well just because. He catches up with me half way down the school drive and throws an arm around me and pulls me in for a kiss, but I pull away. He asks what's wrong but before I answer he asks if it's my Mum. I shout at him that it is him and Melissa and their mums, for once it isn't my Mum. I can feel that I am going to cry so storm off and I know that loads of people are watching us, watching me. Some of them stare and others just laugh...this is the worst day ever, I will be the talk of school tomorrow because of Melissa bloody Matthews! I hate her like I have never hated anyone.

Steven chases me and once he catches up we are out of school by the local doctor's surgery. He grabs my arm and makes me look at him and I am crying now as I shout at Steven telling him about Melissa, what she said. He doesn't say anything until I finish shouting. I have got tears on my face and I think snot too and then Steven shakes his head and says one word, my name, 'Tori' and then he kisses me, a bit hard, but I kiss him back anyway and it turns into a proper snog with tongues and he puts his arm around me and feels my bum...I believe Steven isn't interested in Melissa. This is the best day ever.