Diary of a Desperate Wife and Mother - aged 35...and a half

Looks Like Date Night Got Cancelled

Wednesday

Scarlett remains in bed rather than going to the seaside for the day. Paul and I both have to work but my parents are going to pop in, much to Scarlett's disgust, after all she considers herself a fully-fledged adult and whilst she is capable of remaining at home for a few hours I would rather know she is checked on and I can't take any more time off at the moment.

Work was pretty uneventful but because of that time dragged meaning it felt like forever before I was returning home. Scarlett seemed a little brighter and was lying on the sofa watching old episodes of Dance Moms with not one but both of my parents who are unlikely to have ever seen an episode before but they appear to be into it now. My Mum is even asking which channel they're watching it on while my Dad is more interested in knowing how much these parents must be paying for these dance lessons. I make us all some tea and offer my Dad the biscuits before my Mum reminds him of his diet then join my parents and daughter as the titles roll up the screen. My parents stay for about another hour and after checking on Finn's birthday plans they leave me with Scarlett who is just falling back to sleep with her head in my lap. I think of a million different jobs I could be doing, some I probably should be doing, but I don't. Instead I sit there and stroke my daughter's hair and face like I did when she was a baby and a little girl so many times before. I find the whole experience sweet and cathartic for me but also emotional as I allow myself to consider that these moments, where Scarlett permits me to love her as my child will become less and less likely as the days, weeks, months and years pass by. As if on cue she actually lets out a strange little yawn and rolls into my body more tightly, just as she did when she was little. Maybe I should have had more children, another daughter and although I know I am still young enough to add to our family I am unsure if I want to or if it's just grief at the 'loss' of my almost grown daughter.

By the time Paul comes home Scarlett is awake and even more like herself, so much so that she goes upstairs to text Luke. Once alone Paul informs me that with our date night cancelled he has arranged to meet his brother, in the pub! I am slightly annoyed by that because I would have appreciated some help sorting and wrapping Finn's birthday presents, plus which I know that if Paul and Greg are going to the pub it will be late when he returns and he will definitely be drunk, they both will be! What makes my mood worsen is the fact that Paul shrugs at my objections and points out that there is no need for us both to waste a child free evening and when I point out that we're not child free my husband tells me that Scarlett doesn't need us both to 'miss out' and then has the audacity to offer me a cup of tea. I refuse, as a point of principal and grab the dog's lead to walk him if only to have a sulk to myself.

Once I reach the park I let Oscar off his lead and allow him to run and rummage in the bushes and trees while I continue to stew over Paul's night out. I don't mind him going out and he doesn't go out regularly, neither of us do. It is the fact that he has done what he always has been able to do, something I never have been. He has made his plans with no thought for me, Scarlett or anything beyond himself, his brother and beer, lots of beer. He didn't even think to drop me a text, not to ask permission, but to check that I hadn't made plans for us both and Scarlett.

Oscar is more than happy to wander around the park as I walk off my irritation and the more I walk the more I struggle to remember the real reason for my agitation and feeling of unease. When I walk back home I see Gemma putting out her recycling which reminds me that if I don't put ours out it won't get put out at all because Paul does the bins last thing and tonight he will be incapable of guiding himself up the path and getting his key in the door never mind emptying bins and placing them in the exact location as dictated by the bin men and the local authority. I can feel my annoyance resurfacing as I wonder why we, the council tax payers have so many rules imposed on us in terms of what can be put in the bin, where the bin has to be placed and the position it has to be placed in and yet when the bin has been emptied it simply gets abandoned on the kerbside or in the road, usually blocking a car, a driveway, a pavement or my personal favourite, a garden gate! I need to focus on something that isn't the bin or else I will be going home and rowing with my husband because of bins instead of simply counting to ten and sending him on his way with a genuine smile on my face rather than a snarl.

I give Gemma a brief breakdown of the last couple of days and she suggests a bottle of wine and a catch up as her eldest daughter, who is 17 is in to watch her other children. Immediately I agree to her plan and am able to return home with a genuine smile on my face to cook tea before Paul goes out and Gemma comes over which will thrill Scarlett who loves Auntie Gem popping over for a chat and a giggle with a bottle of wine.

My friend and I have almost finished the first bottle of wine when somehow the conversation turns to beauty treatments and Gemma announces her recent bikini wax that has left her bare. I am agog and do swear at her several times in disbelief that she has no hair 'there'. Scarlett is fascinated by the whole bikini wax thing and after laughing at Gemma's description of just how red her skin is capable of turning my daughter turns her attention to me and asks if I wax 'there'. I don't and have no issue admitting that. I am more of a shave, trim and tidy the lady garden kind of girl. Scarlett has been with me to the salon for eyebrow threading, massages, facials and nail treatments, but no waxing. I have had my legs and underarms waxed but it is usually quicker to just run a razor over them in the shower which is mainly what Scarlett does after using an epilator once and vowing never again! Gemma won't let my bikini waxing virginity go and with my daughter insisting that I should try it and then quickly adding that she thinks she'll wax 'there' in the future, which is easy to say when you're not the one being pressured to have a bikini wax by your best friend and daughter whilst under the influence of a very nice bottle of white wine. Gemma is actually opening a second bottle and filling our glasses when I find myself agreeing to go with her for a bikini wax, a bikini wax we are now discussing in detail, much to my daughter's combined horror, disgust and amusement. I had no clue that when you have this procedure carried out they actually wax your bum too and they get really close and make you get into strange positions so they can get into all of your nooks and crannies. With a long slurp of wine I am claiming that it can't hurt that much or nobody would ever have it done more than once. Scarlett is shaking her head disbelievingly at my stupidity, naivety, whatever it is I am displaying and Gemma is openly laughing at me and then telling me she'll book me in and come along with my.

Even as I nod my agreement I am wondering why I drink, ever because I make really bad choices when I drink and as I imagine having my delicate hair pulled out at the root I think this one might be the worst ever.