Diary of a Desperate Wife and Mother - aged 35...and a half

It's Kind Of Like A Date

Saturday

My usual Saturday routine has gone out of the window this weekend as it is Finn's birthday in a couple of weeks, and Easter so Paul and I are going shopping together to the local shopping centre. We are going to have lunch and I quote 'make a day of it'. I know it's not exactly date night, but we rarely spend a day together with no kids. I really need to get ready to drop Finn off with Paul's parents, the older two will do their own thing with friends and they both have phones so can call if they have a problem. I am still wrapped in a towel as Paul enters the bedroom to find me essentially naked and his face is clearly thinking about revising Finn's drop off time until shouting from downstairs about Scarlett being spiteful, Finn being a stupid and Martin being disgusting forces my husband to go back to referee.

Once we are finally child free and have found a parking space, albeit about 3 miles from the shops, ok that might be a slight exaggeration, but it feels like 3 miles but we finally hit the shops. I have this mum default thing whereby I only ever see things for the kids when I shop and today is no different.

We have a shopping list for Finn's birthday but so far I have bought 4 things that aren't on the list, a new computer game for Martin and a couple of new tops for Scarlett. Paul has tried several times to get me to have something for myself, but I have resisted, even when we looked in the window of the jewellers who stock a lovely range in charm bracelets.

When we stop for lunch Paul chooses to sit next to me rather than opposite me, which is unusual but there is normally a child next to me so I think he is seizing the opportunity. He drapes an arm around me and for a few minutes the conversation is a little strained because we are both avoiding our go to topic of conversation, the kids, however a few minutes in and he is telling me about some awkward customer they are currently building for and makes me laugh as he retells the story of her trying it on with my Dad who has apparently been traumatised by the whole experience.

Lunch is strange, not bad strange, just strange because there are no interruptions and uninterrupted meals are a distant memory between babies that cry or need changing, toddlers that need feeding, older children that always need a poo mid meal and the same older children who always manage to forget to wash their hands so need to be sent back right up to the teenagers I now have who argue between mouthfuls. Paul had actually referred to lunch as a date when we'd sat down together with our food on plastic trays. I am slightly concerned that he considers a tray full of fast food from the food court a date, maybe we should date more, remind us both what a date is, it has, after all been a very long time since we went on an actual date.

After lunch we hit the shops again, strolling from shop to shop holding hands like love struck teenagers, like Steven and I used to, like Paul and I used to, like Paul and I apparently still do.

We get most of Finn's presents and before leaving pop into the supermarket. Paul is a nightmare in the supermarket, he buys too much and most of it is crap. He piles biscuits, chocolate and cakes in, along with a power tool and a tarpaulin! I stock up on sanitary products and pain killers as both Scarlett and I have periods due, mine are not too bad but my poor daughter really does suffer. We have talked, a couple of times, in principle about visiting the doctor, but I know he will put her on the pill and Paul has reservations. I make a mental note to discuss it again with Scarlett if she has a rough time this month, she can't just keep plodding on and I know that ultimately Paul will go along with what is best for our daughter, I just think he worries that when she gets a serious boyfriend being on the pill might allow her to take the step to have sex sooner than she might without knowing she'd be protected from pregnancy.

I watch a couple of women looking at Paul as he stocks up on condoms to go with his new router, the tarpaulin and huge box of Jaffa cakes! They clearly enjoy the sight of my husband's arse in his well fitted jeans. I actually laugh at his lack of awareness as they move their glance to his well-built arms and chest before dropping back to his behind. As I join him and he asks if I fancy some added stimulation as he holds the ribbed variety up to show me they actually glare at me before leaving. I laugh confusing him and then laugh again at his confused expression and then laugh even louder when he throws the ribbed condoms into the trolley along with some kind of lubrication gel that he reckons will make me tingle! The ease with which my husband and I shop for contraception makes me remember my first experience with buying contraception and the disaster that was.

Paul rushes of to the toilet before we leave and as I consider that I have enjoyed the day spent with my husband and no children I decide that it was a date...there might not have been drinking, dancing or snogging, but it was definitely a date, a grown-up married date. We do need a drinking, dancing and snogging date though, soon.

Victoria's Diary aged 14 and a half

My Mum is still really angry about Steven, well about my love bite so has insisted that I should talk to the priest! I am mortified but she has agreed that if I can get the priest's blessing to continue to see Steven then she will allow me to. My brother told me that it was our Dad who told her she couldn't and shouldn't stop me seeing Steven, he also brought God into it and that is how she came up with me seeing the priest. I am going to church tonight, after school, she has even told him I will help to tidy the church while I am there, I mean why? Because she hates me, that's why...although I do know that she loves me really. She is worried that I am going to get pregnant and end up as a single mother. I do know that her biggest issue with that would be the neighbours, her friends, the church, what would they all say? They would say, or at least they would in my mother's mind, they would say that I am a tart, and she is to blame in some way, that she didn't bring me up properly, especially her church friends, imagine the scandal! Anyway I won't get pregnant, I am not having sex, have no plans to, not yet, not for ages. Steven and I have only kissed and kind of touched, no more and it's enough...I think sex is scary, although I will obviously do it one day, just not yet, not for ages and I don't want children, not until I am like 30 or something. I want my career and holidays and a house and then children, maybe 2, one boy and one girl, but no more than that. My Mum is calling to remind me that I have to go to see the priest, as if I could forget!

I went to church after school to see Father Flynn, well that didn't quite happen. He is on a sabbatical, whatever that means, especially for a priest! There is a relief priest, or a locum, stand in, whatever they're called. Anyway, the idea of telling Father Flynn that I have a boyfriend who has given me a love bite was bad enough, but the reality of telling Father Joe, yes he uses his first name, well it was much worse. He is old still, about 30 but that's young for a priest and he is really good looking and he didn't wear his vestment or dog collar or anything, haha, he wore clothes, obviously, but he wore jeans and a Rolling Stones t-shirt, he's kind of cool and if I didn't love Steven I could get a crush on him. Imagine if that happened and all because my Mum disapproved of Steven, I think that's what they call irony. So Father Joe, after I told him that Steven and I kissed and hugged and held hands, talked about sin and the importance of sex within a marriage, although I wasn't convinced he believed what he was saying, he smiled too much. I was so embarrassed to tell him and I kind of didn't tell him that we touched...Oh God I am going to hell I lied to a priest I kind of fancy...straight to hell, there will be no purgatory for me. Father Joe says that attraction is natural between a man and a woman but that we shouldn't give in to temptation. He was really nice though and offered to talk to me anytime I want or need to talk which was nice of him. He didn't make me clean up around the church either. My Mum met me at the church and Father Joe told her that it was good for me to encounter temptation and resist, which I had done and that he thought seeing Steven was good for me. She wasn't thrilled by that, I could tell by her sucking lemons face and then he told my Mum I was a good girl and she should be proud. As we left, when my Mum turned to leave Father Joe winked at me and smiled at me. I officially have a crush on a priest and a boyfriend because my Mum agreed that if the priest agreed...