Diary of a Desperate Wife and Mother - aged 35...and a half

Leader Or Lost Puppy?

Tuesday

I have accepted the promotion at work and everyone there seemed to be really pleased for me and several told me that I deserved more in terms of payback for the years of hard work I have put in, which was nice to hear. What wasn't so nice to hear was the news that I would be responsible for the rota which is a minefield in terms of keeping everyone happy. Fortunately I have set hours, have done ever since returning from maternity leave after having Finn.

When I get home I find my Dad who is looking after Finn today playing snakes and ladders. I make some tea and find a packet of chocolate digestives when I hear Finn, clearly having just landed on a snake curse to the words, 'bloody snakes'. My Dad who has clearly had a similar experience laughs but tries to cover up for my son and himself. Once my Dad leaves Finn suggests a game of chess, but as I can't play he settles for draughts. He is very excited as he is going to the seaside the following day and it's his birthday at the end of the week and then his party is at the weekend. I love seeing him happy and excited but I can't deny how relieved I am when Paul comes home and takes a turn at listening to everything he has planned.

When I am cooking tea Paul appears in the kitchen and seems genuinely pleased that I have accepted the work promotion. I don't really know why it matters to him because whatever I earn is my own money to with as I want so it won't make any difference to him, neither will my working hours as they'll remain unchanged, but as I say he seems pleased, maybe he just wants me to feel useful and fulfilled.

Before I even consider pursuing his pleasure at my new role Scarlett bursts in with Luke in toe. He's a nice boy; pleasant, polite and nice looking too, I can see why a teenage girl would be attracted to him. Scarlett is in full flow about some new TV show she needs to catch up on and that is when she ages my poor husband in 6 words: 'Me and Luke are going upstairs'. I can feel Paul's eyes on me, even before he sidles up beside me and discreetly implores me to intervene in a single whisper of my name, 'Vic'. Not only doesn't Paul not want the kids going upstairs in mixed combinations for fear of the seclusion and hormones leading to under age sex he is paranoid about teenage pregnancy. I know that poor Martin endures the 'don't get knocking her up' conversation every time my poor boy mentions a girl by name which is frequently. I call after Scarlett and suggest they go into the front room to watch TV. She glares across at me and her father, especially her father because she knows that this is his objection really, although I don't want to encourage my 14 year old daughter to have sex any time soon. I know the fact that she is on the pill makes it even worse for my husband. Scarlett opens her mouth and is clearly about to object to my suggestion when Paul interrupts with a flat, but serious, 'Don't do it Scarlett, don't embarrass yourself or Luke'. She knows that he is being deadly serious and if she pushes things now it is all going to blow up in her face. Wisely she simply huffs and stomps off into the front room with Luke dutifully following behind. Paul laughs once they've gone and passes a comment about Luke being some kind of lost puppy but having watched them too I realise I was Luke, I was Steven's lost puppy and I am yet again reminded of that friend request.

Victoria's Diary - Aged 15 and a half

I can't believe I am doing this. I am sure this is how someone on the run must feel. Everyone is looking at me, I can feel it, even if my eyes are fixed to the blue carpet beneath my feet. Maybe this is wrong, maybe I shouldn't be here, what if this is God making me feel this way so that I won't go through with it...it's too late to back out now I realise when I hear a man's voice call 'Victoria Smith'. I look up and see a younger doctor than I was expecting and quite good looking. This is going to be more awkward than I thought. I follow him down a corridor into his room and hope nobody I know, nobody who knows my Mum sees me.

He offers me a seat and I just sit there, not sure what to say for a couple of minutes and then I manage to speak. I ask him if he is allowed to tell my Mum what I say, he says he doesn't so I continue to speak and say, 'I have a boyfriend' and the doctor seems to understand. This might be the most embarrassing moment of my whole life. I want to go on the pill. The trip to France is in a couple of months and Steven and I have decided that we are ready, that we are going to do it, but I can't get pregnant. We haven't done it yet. We still kiss, a lot and touch, but we haven't gone any further, we're not quite ready, I'm not, it scares me, but I want to and I want to do it with Steven. I want him to be my first. I know if he is my first he will be last, my only, I love him more than anything in the world and he loves me the same. We know we are meant to be and will never be apart but I CAN'T get pregnant, my Mum would kill me...maybe not actually kill me dead but she would go berserk. We all know that illegitimate children are a no-no and I know what she thinks about girls that get pregnant, girls that have sex, oh shit, she means girls like me.

The doctor thinks I am pregnant when I tell him I have a boyfriend, but as soon as I say I haven't done it he nods and gets me. He tells me not to rush into things, not to feel pressured and talks about condoms and disease but once he realises I am serious he gives me a prescription for the pill. My period isn't due for a few weeks but I will take it in time to be safe for France.

Victoria's Diary – Aged 35 and a half

I am putting my younger self's diary away and considering the enormity of that day and that decision in the doctor's when Paul appears wearing just a white towel around his freshly showered body meaning any chance of checking my friend request has gone. I feel guilty of my past as I watch the rivulets of water running down Paul's chest and think that I should just delete the friend request if not the app itself, it's too dangerous and volatile. My Dad's words about appreciating what I have, healthy and happy children, a nice home, a good and loving husband. I need to be up early tomorrow because the kids are all going with Paul's parents for the day so will be picked up before 7. Then I have work, date night and an empty house as the kids will stay over with my in-laws and yet even before sits down on the bed next to me I know I am going to have sex, guilty sex, guilty for thoughts of Steven, what we did and just how badly I have negatively compared my husband to Steven, something I need to stop doing, especially the negative thing because Paul is kind, loving, generous and a wonderful father. If anyone should have been doing the comparisons it was Paul and had he ever compared me to the wife he could have had he would have found me wanting.

As I reach for my husband to kiss him we hear movement on the other side of the door and then hear someone being sick. I go and check only to find that the sickness bug both Finn and I have suffered has now made its way to Scarlett meaning she won't be going out with her brothers and grandparents and date night is unlikely to happen. I lower myself to the bathroom floor and as my poor daughter expels the contents of her stomach I hold her hair and stroke her back.