Diary of a Desperate Wife and Mother - aged 35...and a half

Do I Even Want To Be Friends?

Wednesday

I return home with news to find my Dad playing Mario Kart with Finn. Finn is and I quote, 'whooping Grandad's butt', a claim not even Grandad attempts to dispute as he ends up getting knocked off the road and comes in dead last. I put the kettle on and am making tea when my Dad joins me in the kitchen while Finn takes the dog into the back garden to play. He chats about the kids and then asks if I am ok, and I am. I assure him and then tell him my news...I have been offered a promotion at work. My Dad is thrilled, but can see I am less enthralled. We talk it through and I reveal that it isn't what I had planned. I didn't want to be a customer service advisor in a travel agents, although I now have the opportunity to be a deputy manager in the same travel agents. I am sulking, I can feel the sulk on my face and that is when my Dad takes the bull by the horns and points out that I am not and am unlikely to ever be cabin crew. He goes on to remind me that I am almost 15 years into a marriage with a man who loves me, adores me and that with 3 happy and healthy children I am in a position that hundreds of others would envy. I tell him that I know all of that and that I love Paul too, but...clearly I add one but too many because that is when my Dad tells me a few more home truths, starting with the fact that I am being childish and selfish in my refusal to let go of my past and the life I once dreamt of. It is usually my Mum that is the straight shooter, my Dad tends to be quieter and refrains from getting drawn into these things, but today he is on a roll because he is going for it again when he asks me if I could go back and have that life, the one I planned with Steven, would I? Would I give up what I actually have in favour of what I once wanted? Before I can answer beyond a shake of my head because I love my family, my husband and my children, more than anything, but I loved Steven and the life we planned together too, but my Dad isn't waiting for any more words from me, he has more of his own. He asks where Steven is, what he is doing and even goes as far as to suggest that the wonderful life I envisaged with Steven, my dream, might just have turned into my biggest nightmare. I have nothing to say, I am clueless what he wants me to say, so I say nothing leaving him with the chance to end the conversation once and for all when he asks if I have any cake because my Mum has put him on a diet and has banished all sweet treats from the house. I laugh at his horrified expression before he informs me that she has gone so far as to threaten to enrol him in a slimming club if the cake ban doesn't work, but am already getting a chocolate covered log from the cupboard and passing him a plate and knife. He then reminds me that my Mum will be expecting me to go to church with her as it's Easter at the weekend as he adds a second wedge of cake onto his plate.

I end up walking Oscar late, after Paul returns from work and am just about to enter the park when Gemma calls to me. Much to the dog's annoyance I wait for my friend to catch up, delaying his off the lead time. It doesn't even enter my head to ask why she is in the park alone as I assume one of her kids is driving her crazy and she has left one of her older ones watching the younger ones. Oscar is on his third poo bag by the time Gemma herself opens discussion on her joining me in the park. We are sitting on a bench throwing a ball for the dog when she asks if I have checked my Facebook lately. I haven't, I only joined to keep tabs on Scarlett when she first joined. I don't really get it...why would I want to share a picture of my breakfast with people I haven't seen for years and not been arsed enough to keep in touch with, plus I don't like the bragging element of it; look at my perfect house and beautiful husband, my perfect children and top of the range car...it's not me. Gemma looks nervous as she suggests that I should because she received a friend request that afternoon from Steven Pallister...holy fucking shit balls....what do I do? Check Facebook and potentially open a can of worms if he has sent me a request or have him break my heart a little more if he hasn't?

Victoria's Diary – Aged 14 and a half

I am going to France. My Dad has signed the consent slip and paid the deposit, so is Steven...I can't wait. Tonight, after school I am going to Steven's house, my Mum isn't thrilled about it but I think my Dad talked her round, he's good like that, he knows how to get the best from everyone.

Gemma walks home part of the way with me and Steven and a couple of other people. She does German not French so she can't go on the trip, unlike Melissa Matthews, she really winds me up, but she can and is going...maybe she'll be struck down with something before we go. I briefly wonder if I could slip something in her lunch, not like poison, I'd never get away with that, but a laxative or something, just enough to stop her from travelling. I really am becoming a bitch I think but then decide that I'm not really because I'm not actually going to put stuff in her food, no matter how funny that would be! I really am going to hell. My Grandma says this thing about the church roof caving in on my Dad because he is so ungodly and rarely goes to church. I go more often than him but may be even more ungodly than he is so the church may just spontaneously combust and burn to the ground with me in it!

When we get to Steven's I am shocked to find nobody is home and am unsure how my parents would feel about this, although I know exactly how my Mum would feel. We have some biscuits and pop while we watch TV and then Steven invites me upstairs. I have been upstairs at Steven's before, up to his bedroom, not that my Mum knows that, nor my Dad, but that has been while his parents were at home, it feels a bit weird, but I know nothing will happen, not like that so I go up with him. We sit on the bed and listen to music and then we kiss. I love how Steven kisses me, how it feels, and the way he puts his arms around me and holds me. He always puts one arm around me so that he touches my back and neck and then his other arm comes round my front so that he can stroke my arm or face or put it under my shirt which is what he is doing now. It makes me hot and tingly when he does this, especially when he touches my boobs...my breathing also goes weird, but so does his. I actually feel him through his trousers, hard and digging in me. It scares me, I'm not quite sure what to do and am relieved when the front door closes and then Steven's Mum calls up to us meaning we stop kissing. I tidy my clothes and Steven gets changed and before we go back downstairs he grins at me, he has the best smile ever with perfect teeth that are really white and now I'm not scared anymore and then he kisses me one last time and I think I might feel a bit scared again, just a little.

Victoria's Diary – Aged 35 and a half

When I return home I am preoccupied with thoughts of Facebook and Steven, but stop myself from logging in and I certainly don't mention it to Paul. Judging by the hilarity that has ensued in my absence everyone is having fun and then the source of the amusement and laughter becomes apparent, Paul. The kids are beyond impressed by their father on a regular basis but tonight he is a Prince, no a King amongst men and why, because of his prowess in the wind department. I sounds as though we have all of the sounds of a farm yard between them and their burping and farting, even Scarlett is joining in and giving the boys a run for their money! Upon my return they have one last round of who can burp the loudest and once Finn has his turn the dog, who has wolfed his dinner down in the blink of an eye actually trumps them all with a burp that echoes around the whole house making us all laugh.

Finn insists on reading his school reading book before bed as he is going back to school tomorrow. I can't say that I have missed these characters while he's been poorly but I brace myself for the onslaught as I tuck my boy in. This one is all about one of the children in it keeping a diary which if I am honest is a clear ploy to get the kids to read the days of the week. Finn reads most of the words in the book but needs a bit of help with the trickier days like Wednesday and Thursday, which is understandable. He tells me that Ned can read the months of the year too. I immaturely mutter 'bully for bloody Ned' just as Paul walks in and Finn announces that he has invited Ned to his birthday party and he can't wait. Paul smirks at my horrified expression at the thought of having to spend a couple of hours with Monique and possibly her celebrity husband, Mr Monique. I wonder just how many pounds I could shed in just over a week, not enough to compete with perfect Monique I decide as Paul leans down to kiss Finn goodnight while I get up and consider googling 'how to lose a stone in a week' on my phone but seeing the Facebook icon I forget weight loss and remember friend requests and no longer wanting to deal with either I turn it off.