Diary of a Desperate Wife and Mother - aged 35...and a half

The Monday to End All Mondays - Part I

Monday

Victoria's Diary Aged 35 and a Half

I am beyond uncomfortable as I do the school run with Finn and it's not just the remnants of my bikini wax that's causing my discomfort, it's Monique who is standing alone in the playground looking beyond awkward and embarrassed. The other parents are avoiding her, it's quite obvious. Her 'perfect friends' have their back to her and are clearly talking about her, specifically her marital issues. The other parents aren't really doing anything different, they're in their own groups and ignoring her. Ned is oblivious to anything going on as he moves from one boy to another before finally landing next to me and Finn. Finn, as is typical for Finn is friendly and welcoming and begins a game that involves chasing, meaning he is likely to end up sprawled on the playground floor before school starts. I mutter to Gemma that I can't leave her on her own looking as though she's going to cry and with that I am striding towards Monique who looks even closer to tears the closer I get. I think she is expecting me to say something bitchy or snide, I don't, wouldn't, even if she might if the positions were reversed.

Once she has got over the shock of me being there I tell her that I am sorry that her life is being subjected to such scrutiny and offer to have Ned over for tea one night if he'd like to, if it would help. I think she really is going to cry at that offer alone and informs me that he tends not to get invited to people's homes. I remember his behaviour at Finn's party and can kind of understand why he might not be at the top of people's guests lists, but he's a kid, no more so reaffirm my invitation. We chat, normal chat about the weather, how fast the year is going and how quickly our boys are growing-up. I have just offered her a friendly ear, should she need it and my mobile number when Finn skids into a full sprawl across the gravel path and for the first time ever Monique extends empathy and concern to my son explaining that she was clumsy until she started wearing glasses, although she now wears contact lenses.

By the time I get to work I am preoccupied with thoughts of Steven...of how the hell I am going to face him, cope with seeing him again and I can't even begin to imagine telling him what I need to tell him.

There's a woman at work who is in a bit of a state about her daughter. Her daughter is older than Scarlett and has a boyfriend, but they're a bit on and off and he daughter is determined to go to the same university as her boyfriend and her mother is understandably concerned that if it fizzles out she will be stranded with him. I can understand her worries and her worries actually help me to see my own mother's worries almost 20 years before. I tell my colleague about me and Steven, but am unsure if I settle her mind or increase her worry and I didn't tell her the really scary stuff.

I told her that for over a year Steven and I managed to remain together, albeit apart. That we wrote and phoned and met up every few months. She was horrified to think her daughter might carry on for the next year or more before ending up with a broken heart. I explain to her that although I was broken hearted when Steven left me and ended things it allowed me to meet Paul and make the life I am still living. I missed out the massive fallout that occurred between Steven and Paul.

I see Monique again on the school run at the end of the day and by then I have seen that days revelations, today from the 'dancer' who is claiming to have been having an affair with Mr Monique for over a year and went into detail about what his preferences were, and honestly, if she is telling the truth then Monique might feel somehow grateful that she wasn't subjected to that, assuming she's not into the same things this dancer claims he was. It would appear that the dancer was living in a very luxurious flat that was being paid for by Mr Monique...he has been silent and invisible leaving the dancer to make a killing on the kiss and tell and Monique to fend off the press, some of whom were hanging around by the school gates.

Paul feeds the kids while I get ready to go out...it's a bit awkward really to know what I should wear, after all it's not a date and I don't want to mislead Steven in any way, but more than that I don't want to mislead my husband. I am still standing in pants and a t-shirt when Paul appears behind me and tells me that I don't have to do anything I don't want to do, nothing I am uncomfortable with. I assure him that I have to meet Steven and deal with our past and then follow his advice, settling on a pair of jeans, knee length boots and a long sweater. I ask Paul how he thinks I should tell Steven, how he would want to be told and he shrugs before asking if I wrote it down in my diary, which I did, then he shrugs as if to say, 'there you go'.

Entering the pub I feel nervous, my heart is hammering and my palms are sweaty because I have no clue how this is going to go down. I pat my handbag as if to confirm the location of my diary and then I see him, Steven Pallister, tall, broad and devilishly handsome. My stomach is full of butterflies and I hope to God that this isn't the worst mistake of my life!