The Storm In Their Hearts - Aching Hearts Series #3

Live till you can

CHAPTER 26 - LIVE TILL YOU CAN

REBECCA'S POV

I didn't want to wake up, I didn't want to open my eyes, and, I'll surprise you, but it wasn't entirely because then I'd have to face the awkwardness of my confessions last night ... it was mostly because I didn't want to move from that comfortable position.

Especially not when I felt arms pulling me closer, letting me bury my face into a fairly but not overly muscled chest I know all too well by now, especially not when those arms snaked around me, embracing me completely, and especially not when a pair of delectable soft lips placed an as much soft kiss on my hair, which had a light humming sound escape mine before I could prevent it.

Lying there, with Will's arms around me, him engulfing me in such a tight and even affectionate hug, it felt too amazing to have enough words to describe it. It was familiar yet new. Familiar because it reminded me of the one person that used to embrace me like that, making me feel safe and as happy as I could ever be, new because there was something added to it that I couldn't quite pinpoint.

This week I've been ignoring Will, and it was a horrible decision, because even though he's a great pretender, I could spot the glimmer of hurt flashing through his eyes every time I either pretended he wasn't even there or I just fled from him, even though he concealed it, I could perfectly see that my attitude towards him pained him, and last night he confirmed with words what I already suspected.

Of course he would think I fled because of his story, of course he would think I was overwhelmed by his horrible past. And he was partly right, I was indeed overwhelmed, but not by the story.

I was overwhelmed because all of a sudden everything came onto the surface, everything unraveled inside me, and I realized what was happening, what I was doing ... it was too much, absolutely too much to take. That's why I chose the coward route.

Ever since I've known what love was, I've been connecting it to Tom and Tom only, because it was him to teach me the real meaning of it, and now having my heart go astray and link that word to someone else, it was too much at once.

I cannot fall in love. Never again. And it's not because I fear getting hurt again, which might be reasonable, no, it's because I cannot associate such feeling, such emotion, to someone that wasn't my one and only. I cannot betray his memory like that.

Until it's just satisfying my needs, it means nothing, sex is meaningless when you feel nothing for the other person, that's why it was fine with me, I could sleep with the guys without so much of a fuss, needing to take back my freedom after years of repression, due to that horrible family of mine. Sex is one thing, feelings are a whole different one.

Falling in love with someone else, finding love in someone that isn't Tom, it means betraying his memory, breaking the promise I made to him of never forgetting. Live our life. He told me in that dream. Our. Not mine, our.

How can I move on after he sacrificed for me? Hadn't he waited for me, he'd have left that place of despair since long. Hadn't he wanted to take me away from that Hell, he wouldn't have fled in the middle of the night, he wouldn't have been running without paying attention, hadn't he thought of me before himself, that stupid truck wouldn't have hit him.

If only Tom had been even only a tad bit more focused on himself, other than on me, he would still be here. Because that damn truck was supposed to hit me, not him, but it killed him because he was silly enough to push me away to save me. How can I soil his memory like that? Tom gave his life for me, the least I can do is live mine in his memory. Forever.

That's why I cannot embrace these feelings, and that's why I fled from Will this past week. Every time I looked at him, I felt this churning in my stomach that wanted to push me into his arms, this need to hug him tightly, squeeze the living daylights out of him, simply ... be in his arms like I was now.