Palas 3

Part Two - "I'll never disappoint you."

The man that died turns out to be the father of the woman I saved and grandfather of the little girl. The rest of the people in the water were part of the family as well. They were saved by Elias and Gael and other surfers and bystanders. Without them I'm sure all of them would have died so I try to think about that. About the good of people helping and only losing one life eventhough that is one too many. 

The woman who was running around all the victims going from fear to hope to happiness back to grief, is the mother of the little girl and sister of the woman I helped being brought back from the dead. She lost her father, but all of it so full of emotions that I don't even think she's realizing how much pain it will cause her. After her little girl is wheeled in the ambulance, she takes a moment to thank me. She hopes that I never have to go through losing a parent. I don't have the power in me to tell her I went through it already, twice. Instead I nod my head and wish her luck with everything going on in her life which is a lot.

I'm left speechless, finishing off my worst shift ever with the new trainee next to me. Thomas turned out to be extremely helpful and I'm surprised he has no background in healthcare or lifeguarding at all. He's just a good person, I can tell by the way he looks out of his eyes and the way he carries himself. 

"Are you okay?" He asks as I stare ahead of me. Even after five ambulances and three police cars arriving at the scene and one man being carried off the beach underneath white sheets, there's still people in the waters risking their lives. 

"Yeah," I say, "well not really, but okay enough. You?"

"I don't know. Okay too, I think. I'm just hoping not everyday is like this."

I laugh at that and shake my head. "I wouldn't still be here if that was the case."

"No I guess not. That would be awful. I'm wondering right now if I made the right decision."

"Of course you did. You acted the way you should. Trust me, most of the time it is just fun to do. Why did you join anyway?"

"I just need a change of scenery every once in awhile. I mean, I love my family, but ever since my mother died home has felt a bit different. So I like to travel and to combine it with work for a couple of months is just awesome. I'd be an idiot not to try out."

He speaks so freely, I notice that about him immediately. The way he says his mother died without hesitation is something I envy. 

"How about you?" He asks and I turn to look at him. 

This is a moment to tell him that I lost both my parents and totally understand what he means. To shine like him and show him how friendly and interested I am in another human being. That I'm not selfish and keep important things to myself because they hurt too much to think or speak about. I'm not like him, I can tell that by one look on him so I keep quiet, turning the conversation from open to awkward and closed off.

"I mean," he says, recovering from my silence, "how did you turn up here?"

Another wrong question, I try to warn him in my head. "Just a turn of events, I guess."

"Okay, cool," he mumbles, looking at me for a moment and it seems that he's getting the message that I rather not talk about it. "I thought you were incredible today," he then adds. 

For some reason unknown, he makes me blush by complimenting me and I take my eyes of him. Maybe because I deep down know that, but also feel guilty for missing so many things at once. It feels like utter shit to lose someone on the beach. Surreal to bring people back from the death. Just like the woman who lost her father this morning and almost her daughter and sister, I felt all the emotions. Emotions are something I rather not show because I don't like to cry. I've felt too much pain in my life already and I rather feel like I'm not apart of my own body and be a bystander of life than feel pain ever again. But usually that means that I feel nothing at all. Happiness, love or like I feel now which I can't quite explain.