Palas 3

Part Five - "You're a selfish bitch, and I'm done."

Harry 

It has been a while since she'd crossed my mind, but it's happening now. In front of me is a girl that looks so much like her, that I can't do anything else but think about the woman I left behind. Her hair has the same dirty blonde colour. A smile across her lips like I have seen so many times except for that last day we spent together. In my mind everyone with blonde hair and the same body build, looks like her. This girl wears glasses and a dress Alex would never wear, but I'm still reminded of her and everything we shared. Which is overwhelming every time. 

I haven't found anyone like her. Someone I can be myself with and not have to act like I have to do back here in Brighton. Sure, my first year back in England was spent in London where I could be his true self maybe, which is the dickieist and selfish version there is of me. Kind off how I left Palas, only thinking about myself and my own freedom. For a while I had felt suppressed in Palas, tattooing the same thing after another and my relationship with Alex only seemed to go downhill. Talking to her was a nightmare that always ended in fighting or tears. That's probably why we both stopped trying. Not to mention that her pain over losing her parents only made me realize I still have parents left with one of them barely surviving cancer.

I was trying to find an escape, something painless, like moving back for work. So when Pascal offered just that, I didn't even think about it twice but took the opportunity hoping it wouldn't upset Alex and only bring us closer together. The thought of that makes me laugh now making my company look up. Softly I shake my head to shut her up and go back to my daydream of how things should have gone.

Leaving should have made us both realize what we mean for each other, that we can't be apart. It sure did for me, but by the time I saw her that night after packing her bag too, she had made up her mind. Alex let me go without hesitation and I can't help but cringe when I think back to that moment and how I could have handled it differently. The guilt of that is still so painful and breathtaking that I need to think about something else soon or I'll start smashing things.

As Blair, the girl I'm seeing from time to time at the moment, types away on her phone, I can't help but scroll through the secret folder of screenshots of my texts to Alex after I left. They never reached her, I found out later, since she changed her number before I even landed in London. I don't think about her often now that I have been back in England for two years, but when I do it's bound to make me feel like shit. If only I had stopped myself in time, pushed my body against her and kissed her even if it was for one last time. Now I can't even remember when we touched for the last time ever.

"Do you want another round?" Blair asks, waking me up from my daydream and rapidly closing the folder on my phone.

"Uh," I eye the clock realizing I need to be back in the office in ten minutes, "I'm sorry, babe. I have to get going."

"That's okay," she says slowly pushing out her lips to show what needs to be done. I lean in for a second, placing a soft peck on her mouth before I get up and throw a fifty on the table.

"This one's on me," I say and I half expects her to throw a fit, but she only nods and smiles as I push on my sunglasses.

"Thanks, love. When will I see you again this week?"

My stomach clenches, realizing I was mistaking her for Alex, something I do often when I am reminded of her.

"I'll give you a call," I answer and starts to walk away leaving Blair rather abruptly, but she must be used to it by now.

We met at one of the fundraisers for cancer my father threw three months ago. Having just called things off with another girl named Lia because I couldn't return her 'I love you's' or any other sentimental thing she threw my way, Blair seemed like a good escape. But now three months later we're at the same point in the relationship that I've been running away from since I broke things off with Alex. I can't even call her my girlfriend or think of her as one. It's like all I'm capable of is playing pretend.