Unconditional (Sequel to Senior Year - jb)

30. I'm fine

~

That night I had nightmares of losing my baby and they felt so real. I remember gasping for air as I woke up from those horrendous dreams. But when I looked around, I was in my own bedroom with Justin sleeping next to me. I had to pat down my stomach to make sure I was still carrying our baby. Somehow, knowing that your own family didn't support your decision to start a family, made me super insecure about everything. I knew what Abbie said wasn't a lie. I knew I didn't have my shit together but I was just playing it cool so that no one was going to question my decisions.

Everyday I felt weaker and weaker and the feeling of having control of everything was almost gone. And that scared the shit out of me.

What if I was going to be a terrible mother? What if I couldn't take care of my own baby? What if I failed, badly?

I stayed awake, just listening to the late night sounds of New York. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't move. Only a few tears raced down my temples.

Something wasn't right, and I knew it.

-

"Ah, Ava, pregnancy looks so good on you." Laura gasped as we embraced each other.

I hadn't seen her in months. She had been in Canada doing a short internship and turns out she found herself a new boyfriend while staying there. That didn't surprise me.

"Thanks, babe." I flashed a small smile.

We sat down on a Central Park bench as the autumn breeze flew by us. There were some men playing football and families throwing frisbees. They all looked so happy.

I wish I could be that happy too.

"So how's life?" Laura sighed as she dug her teeth into a Subway sandwich.

Not good, actually.

"Good." I shrugged my shoulders.

"Everything okay with Justin?"

"Yup, everything's fine."

She didn't know about the cheating. I never told her about it. I don't like telling other people about my private life too much.

"And he must be excited for the baby too? You didn't plan on having a baby, right?" Laura turned to look at me.

Well that was an odd question. Was she doubting my decision too?

"Yeah, he's... excited." I nodded.

Then there was silence.

The only thing we heard was the happy screams those men and families let out. I longed for that kind of happiness.

Ever since Justin... cheated on me, I hadn't felt happiness at all. Not even a single glimpse. Of course when I decided to keep my baby I was happy, but that feeling was now replaced with worry and anxiety. Nothing was safe anymore.

"Okay, what's going on? I have never seen you this quiet before and I know something's not right." Laura put her hand on my shoulder, obviously wanting me to look at her but I just looked down at my sweaty hands on my lap, "Is he... hitting you or something?"