Million Reasons

Chapter Eleven: Human

But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down

Christina Perri - Human

It broke Al's heart although he would never admit it outside of these four walls. The others in his team knew the truth about him but that was allowed, outside of Meredith and Lexi they were his family. He liked to pretend on the surface that the job didn't bother him anymore, that he could just go home and decompress like a normal person but that was far from the truth. All those lives that he'd had, all the roles and the identities, they stuck with you. You couldn't forget the things you'd seen or the way you responded. You told yourself you were playing a part, you had become your character but the truth was every job you took made you lose a tiny piece of yourself. Sometimes you got it back and others...

There were just some things that you couldn't hold onto anymore and letting go was the only way to survive. Everyone thought getting out was easy, you could just revert back to your old life and become that person you had been before you'd put your life on hold. It was never that simple, if it was there wouldn't be so many cops eating their own guns further on down the line.

Over the years he'd found ways to compartmentalize, it was a coping mechanism you had to learn otherwise you'd lose yourself entirely. Sometimes it wasn't that easy. On the long cases, the ones that stretched out from a couple of months to years it had a tendency to sneak up on you. You became your role, you lived and breathed their life until it became your own. It could mess with your head, it had messed with his once upon a time and he knew it had messed with Antonio's in his final undercover assignment for Vice. He'd almost gone down the tubes before Al had managed to pull him. It was one of the reasons he had vouched for the other man when Voight had been setting himself up in Intelligence. Antonio was a good cop with an affinity for undercover work, they needed someone like that on their team and Antonio had needed the support. He'd lost Maggie to Regan's case and Al knew it had screwed with the other man's head. You relied on your partner when you were undercover, you had to trust they had your back no matter what the circumstance and Antonio had with Maggie. Al had seen the files and heard the debriefs from Maggie himself when he checked in on her, the two of them were a solid team.

Then it had gone to hell. Maggie had walked away and that trust was broken, Antonio had ridden solo for a while at his own behest and that had been his downfall. Al had made sure that hadn't happened again since the transfer to Intelligence. Their team was tight knit, he made it his personal mission to make sure that nobody slipped through the cracks and with a steady team at his back Antonio had excelled despite the odds being stacked against him. Al didn't worry about him anymore, the other man had come into his own and Al was happy to see it. If Ruzek could take a page out of his book then his professional life would be just peachy.

He turned his attention back to his newest problem, the one sitting alone in the guest chair of Voight's office trying so valiantly to clutch onto every aspect of her self-control. What had happened to Maggie was horrible and it would only get worse before it got better. He'd gotten word from a friend in the Ivory Tower that Regan was on the warpath. Al was sure that the Superintendent would be making an appearance any minute now and he couldn't have Maggie in this wretched state. She needed to appear strong and decisive in the face of this adversity otherwise Regan would back her into a corner even Voight wouldn't be able to get her out of.

Al watched her from his position in the open doorway of Voight's office, he'd been leaning on the door frame for a while now and she hadn't registered his presence. She was falling apart deep inside and it broke Al's heart into a million pieces. Knowing that you were safe and feeling it were two very different things and the fact she had come here showed him she knew that she would be secure here. However it hadn't sunk into her mind yet and he got that. Undercover work was isolating and it could take a long time for the barriers you had spent so much time erecting to eventually break down. Her fingertips were massaging the sore spot in the center of her forehead trying to relieve the tension there. Everything she had witnessed over the past two years, every decision she made and every single thing she'd seen would be playing through her head. She was reliving those moments all over again and Al knew from experiencing how lonely and harrowing that could be.

He closed the door lightly behind him. If she heard it Maggie took no notice. Her eyes were closed when he moved around to her side of the chair, he was careful not to touch her as he crouched down in front of her so that he was eye level, his hands coming to rest on the arms of the chair as he took in her worn features.

"Mags." he said softly, his use of the old nickname was deliberate. It was one from her childhood, one he used to call her when he dropped in to check on her and her brother after Bart had died.

Her blue eyes opened, her gaze was apprehensive as she looked back at him. He could see the vulnerability there underneath the surface. The fierceness he was used to seeing was gone and it took him back all those years ago to when she had been a young girl sitting at the kitchen table hearing him break the news of her father's death. She had been Lexi's age then. There was such sorrow buried deep inside of her, he could see the way it weighted on her and he wanted to strip it all away. He couldn't do that, not right away. There was too much damage here to fix at once but little by little he could help make the load lighter.

"Hey kid, you back with me?" he asked her with a tenderness he reserved only for his daughter.

She nodded slowly, swallowing hard. She didn't trust herself to speak right now, he could see that. Her eyes were shining as she glanced away from him, the back of her hand pressed to her mouth. She was trying to choke it all down but the pill was far too bitter to swallow. She had to let it out otherwise those feelings would just bottle up and become toxic, they'd eat her from the inside out and he wouldn't let Maggie go down that road. He couldn't entertain the thought of attending her funeral. He wouldn't fail her that way.

"Come on kid, talk to me." he urged her. "Let it out. Scream, cry, punch me if that's what you need to get past this. Just let it out."

Maggie shook her head. There were large tears leaking down from her eyes, trailing down the apple of her cheeks as she choked out a sob. The sound was horrific, Al felt it stabbing at his heart as he rose up onto his knees reaching for her. Her shoulders were quivering, her whole body starting to quake as he wrapped his arms around her vulnerable form and cradled her close. Her delicate hands gripped his shirt tightly, the material bunching as she buried her face into his left shoulder.

"I know." He muttered, pressing his rough cheek to the top of her head. His large hand rubbed a soothing circle on her back as she clutched onto him for dear life. "I know kid, just let it all out."