Million Reasons

Chapter Sixteen: Gabriel

Cause when you've given up.
When no matter what you do it's never good enough.
When you never thought that it could ever get this tough,
That's when you feel my kind of love.

Emili Sande - My Kinda Love

St Luke's was a tall beautiful redbrick church in the old Irish neighborhood that Maggie had raised in. She'd spent ten minutes walking around before ending up here sucking in the essence of her childhood. The house that she had grown up with was just around the corner, her brother and herself had sold it after their parents had died. Gabriel had been entering the clergy after obtaining his degree in child education so it had made sense at the time for the two of them to divide the asset especially since Maggie had needed money for night school in order to obtain her qualification in accounting. There had been a lot of good memories created there and it warmed her heart just a little to see that the current owners were keeping it in good condition.

Maggie paused for a moment as she walked up the narrow pathway leading to St Luke's, her fingertips gently brushing along the silky petals of a tall ivory rose that was flourishing in the modest garden. Her pert pink lips twitched into a small smile. They had been her mother's favorite flower when she had been alive and Maggie was happy that her brother continued to honor her in that way. Him and his troupe of volunteers had worked wonders on this little garden and she was fiercely proud of Gabriel for finding a way to serve his community on his own terms. Their father had always tried to push his oldest son to become a cop but it had never stuck. Gabe had never had the same drive to serve and protect and he was a pacifist at heart. He had always wanted to fix the root of a problem instead of merely containing the symptoms. Becoming a member of the Catholic church was his way of doing that, she had lost track of the amount of community programs that were now available to both children and adults because of him. She wondered sometimes how he worked so tirelessly, how he stayed strong in the face of adversity when it wore her down little by little every single day.

Maggie rearranged the strap of her battered, brown leather satchel across her chest before swallowing hard against the lump in her throat. It felt so hard for her to step into this building. She couldn't say how much she missed her brother during her time undercover. In the past he'd always been on the other end of the phone if she needed him, he had always been her rock, his guidance insightful and wise and then she'd isolated herself. At the time she knew that Gabe would disapprove of what was happening between her and Antonio and she'd gotten lost in the shame of that. Gabe had always been able to read her like a book so she hadn't called and she hadn't visited and when it had become too much for her to bear, instead of turning to him for support she'd stepped right out of her life and into a new one.

Maggie dipped her fingertips into the marble font of holy water, making the sign of the cross before stepping over the threshold of the foyer into the church itself. Her vivid blue eyes scanned along the pews, seeking out her brother among the patrons. She couldn't see him there but that wasn't unusual. She glanced at the confessional booth before heading towards it instinctively. It seemed ironic in a way that they would meet like this. She sat upon the uncomfortable door, closing the door behind of her. She could see the profile of his sharp features on the other side of the privacy screen, so similar to her own.

"Bless me Father for I have sinned. It has been almost three years since my last confession." Maggie uttered, her elbows resting on her knees as she clasped her hands together as if in prayer.

"Speak my child for you will be heard." Her brother's throaty tones spoke through the screen. His voice was compassionate and professional, Maggie felt like she didn't deserve that compassionate. It must have hurt her brother terribly when she'd left.

"Father, I made a mistake a few years ago." Maggie said, her head bowed as she looked at her dainty hands. "I hurt my brother when I walked out of his life and I have no idea how to fix it."

"Maggie?" His voice faltered as he said her name, making her heart bleed just a little. It reminded her of cool nights outside in their back garden down the street, camping out in a tent their father had set up for them and telling ghost stories.

"Gabe..." she said affectionately.

The mahogany door banged on the opposite side of the confessional booth and Maggie found herself stepping out of her side before she was swooped up in the biggest bear hug she had ever experienced. Her feet left the floor as Gabe picked her up, clutching her as close as he possible could. He placed her back down again, his black cassock billowed out around him as he held her at arms length, his familial blue eyes studying every inch of her.

"Antonio told me that you were ok but I have to see with my own eyes." he told her, his eyes lingering on the pale green scarf at her throat. Maggie fussed with it self consciously. It didn't surprise her that Antonio had been in contact with her brother. It had come out last night on the way home that her ex partner had been attending Sunday services here at the church so he could let Gabe know how she was doing. She appreciated that more than she cared to admit. When she had left she hadn't thought of the worry it would cause him.

"Yea." Maggie remarked as Gabe took her hands in his and let her to the first row of pews so the two of them could sit down. "He's good like that."

"He is a good man." Gabe said purposely. "He was then and he is now."

Maggie sighed before casting her gaze away so that it came to rest on the large flickering candles on either side of the alter. She had left a mess to clean up and it appeared that Antonio had taken care of the hard part for her. She hadn't realised that he was still watching out for her back then.

"He told you." Maggie said gravely, staring into the heart of the flames.

"A couple of weeks after you left he came to see me. I couldn't make sense of what would have made you leave. I thought it was something I had done or said..." Gabe told her, his arm coming to rest along the back of the pew as Maggie's raked her fingers through her hair as if she was trying to shake loose the guilt that was resting on her shoulders. "...And instead you'd fallen in love."

"With a married man." Maggie finished, taking care to look her brother straight in the eye.

"You thought I would judge you." he said simply, staring back at her.

"You and the man upstairs." Maggie uttered pointing her finger up towards the ceiling.

"You never did anything about it." Gabe reminded her, his hand resting reassuringly on his sister's arm.

"I wanted to." Maggie whispered, her gaze cast downward. "Every day it was getting harder and harder to be around him and I knew he felt the same so I bailed before anything could happen."

"You never did do well with spiritual conflict. Everything is black and white for you." Gabe told her, squeezing her arm to empathize his understanding of the situation. He didn't blame her, that much was apparent and she thanked God for that. "You planning on sticking around for a little while?"

Maggie nodded her response, following Gabe's lead when he rose from the pew and spoke.

"Let's go grab a coffee and you can tell me all about what happens next."