Baby on Board

My Effed Up Family

I always knew my father's family were fucked up but being in the same room as them all, seeing first hand what they're like, I've realised that they are fucked up beyond what is considered normal. 

We were nearing the end of the party but so much has already happened that I'm starting to develop a headache from trying to keep up with everything. I wasn't involved in any of the disagreements that were going on because let's face it, I'm only seventeen and the most messed up thing I've done is give my ex-boyfriend a blowjob on the morning of his grandmother's funeral, so I was quite happy to sit back and watch as my family showcased their insanity.

It all started when Dad's grandfather arrived at the house. He'd been away for the past few days without giving anyone a valid reason but when he rocked up, a strange woman on his arm, Gran rolled back her shoulders and waited to hear the reason that we'd all been summoned. Of course, before they got down to the nitty-gritty, Gran and Stephanie- who I've taken to calling Satanie behind her back- were fawning over my great-grandfather, jostling to be his favourite daughter-in-law. 

Once Gran had gained the upper hand over Satanie, Archie dropped a massive bombshell that had everyone spitting their champagne over the poor unfortunate soul that was stood opposite them. Thankfully, I was out of the firing line because I'd spent most of the pre-dinner drinks hiding in the corner observing these weirdoes, but everyone else was hit and it was hilarious. Almost as funny as the news Archie himself delivered.

"I'm married!" He'd announced in his thick Scottish accent. That was when all the champagne sprayed across the room and all hell broke loose. Ignoring all the protests, Archie turned to the slight woman at his side and introduced her to us. "Everyone, this is Lorna MacInnes. Or rather, Lorna Fletcher, as she'll now be known as."

The blonde woman at Archie's side beamed up at him. I think I'd have a grin that wide if I was thirty-something and managed to bag a rich eighty-something-year-old. Hell, it'd be like all my Christmases had come at once. The longer I watched the newlyweds in front of me, the more I thought that it looked suspiciously like Hugh Heffner and a Playboy Bunny and I suddenly burst out laughing. 

Dad glared at me, mouthing at me to shut up. Only, that was easier said than done. The more Archie and Lorna cuddled up, whispering sweet nothings to each other, the more I wanted to laugh. It was just comedy gold. 

"What do you mean, you're married?" Satanie demanded. From the way her face went rouge all over, it didn't take a genius to see that she was furious. The fact that her face now matched the colour scheme of her hometown- Hell- made me giggle even more. This did not go down well with Satanie. At all. "Isaac, tell your bastard child to be quiet."

"Hey!" I snapped at Satanie. Allowing a smirk to play its way onto my lips, I send her a death glare. "That's Miss Bastard Child to you, Great Aunt Satanie. Oh, oops, did I say that out loud? My bad."

Despite the proud look bestowed upon me by my father's immediate family, Dad swiftly into parents mode, dragging me from the party to yell at me. "How many times must I tell you, Martha?" He began to shout upwards towards the ceiling. I followed his gaze upwards and frowned. Ok, this is happening. My father has finally gone cray-cray. "You do not disrespect people in such a way. Go back inside and apologise!"